I watched the inspirational and well-soundtracked speech you gave to the incoming class of engineering students at Georgia Tech, and I was inspired! No, I’ll never build an “Iron Man” suit, and I’ll likely never attend the Georgia Tech engineering program, because, well, math. But your speech was so powerful — especially the part where you said “If you wanna play theme music during your convocation speech like a badass, you can do that! I … am … doing … that!” – that I now feel prepared to take on a new challenge: making you my boyfriend so hard. Keep reading »
We consider ourselves experts when it comes to bizarre stories about chicken wing thieves and raccoon-loving hillbillies. Which is why it made perfect sense that we’d create a weird news Mad Libs form, based on our experience fielding crazy stories from Florida, Texas and beyond. We hope you enjoy giving our Mad Libs a whirl — we played in the office, and you can check out our version after the jump! Click through some of our favorite Be My Boyfriends for inspiration, if ya want… Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Built an Adult-Sized Big Wheel Bike,
I’m a kid at heart. You’re obviously a kid at heart, too. Let’s go ride (big wheel) bikes together.
Dear Bob Baker,
Congrats on your new tattoo! It looks like it’s healing really nicely. I’m sure you’re getting a lot of attention for it right now. Not necessarily for getting a tattoo of your wife in a bikini and high heels pushing a lawnmower on your bald spot that people are calling “wicked,” but for being a 68-year-old man with a 28-year-old wife. Eh, if Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison can get hitched, so can you and your wife, Kelly. You’ve been together for nine years now, married for three. You’ve got nothing to prove. Although your two grown daughters, who are respectively 10 and 16 years older than your wife, may not feel the same way about the relationship. Keep reading »
Dear Alligator Enthusiast Rick Myers,
It seems like your two favorite things are alligators and drugs, and though I’m not a fan of either of those things, really, I admire your desire to combine the two into one event. From what I understand, you were wandering around with four of your friends in Little Big Econ State Forest near Oviedo, Florida, looking for some psychotropic drugs. Police followed you in, and arrested you and four of your friends for possession of mushrooms, weed and an alligator, which you had spirited away in a backpack. The alligator was around two feet long, and wrapped in a (very big?) bandanna. I guess it’s illegal to possess an alligator without a permit, so the cops released it into the swamps, after it had been “revived a little bit.” Keep reading »
I’m vegan, but even I can appreciate a man who appreciates seafood. A guy like Dave Subil, who spirited away with more than $60,000 in seafood supplies. Subil pretended to be in charge of acquiring a bunch of the fishy stuff from a wholesale vendor, and purchased the shrimp and fish with counterfeit checks. The Florida man (of course) now faces six counts of wire fraud and two counts of organized schemes to defraud. Schemes! Keep reading »
Dear Richard Oldham,
I understand that you really like World of Warcraft, the popular interactive video game. In the game, you forged a career as a blacksmith, turning not-real metals into not-real weapons. Few people take their online avatars and turn them into real careers, but most people aren’t you, Rich. Also, I suppose it’s easier to become a blacksmith than, say, a wizard or a warlock, right? Keep reading »
Dear Jarvis Sutton,
Are you my soulmate? I think you might be, because it’s pretty clear you appreciate Kool-Aid almost as much as I do. I love the Kool-Aid man so much, especially when he comes crashing through a wall screaming his signature catch phrase, “Oh yeah!” in his creepy smoker’s voice.
Or maybe there’s another reason you dialed 911 eighty times to request a home delivery of Kool-Aid, hamburgers and weed. When St. Petersburg, Florida, police arrested you for misusing the 911 system, you were apparently so hungry that you tried eating the foam attached to the metal cage in the back of the police car. I understand that you are still in jail at the moment, unable to make the $150 bond. I would bail you out, but I was planning on using that money for a mammoth Kool-Aid run at Costco, so… Keep reading »