Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me. Keep reading »
One thing I always say about men: it is so hot when they believe that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old. That’s why the rest of The Frisky staff and I want to have front row seats next month when Bill Nye The Science Guy debates Ken Ham, the founder of the Creation Museum. Keep reading »
Dear Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell,
Actually, I guess I should say ex Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell, because you officially resigned from your position yesterday. I’m not in the habit of propositioning politicians, especially politicians who are resigning in order to stage a write-in campaign as a Constitution Party candidate, but it’s the way you resigned that caught my attention. See, you didn’t just submit a normal letter of resignation. You wrote your letter in Klingon as an “inside joke.” The mayor called it “unprofessional.” I call it brilliant. Keep reading »
Dear Paul Little AKA The Guy Who Superimposed His Face Into “Home Alone” So He Could Play Every Character,
I am a huge fan of “Home Alone.” I quote it constantly. I went to see it at a movie theater a couple weeks ago and sat next to an old man who had never seen it and it was hilarious. It’s obvious you share my “Home Alone” obsession, because you decided to forego a traditional Christmas card this year, and instead sent your friends this video of your face superimposed onto every single character in “Home Alone.” I must say all your impressions are pretty solid, although I feel like my Uncle Frank is slightly better than yours. Shall we get together for a plain cheese pizza sometime and find out?
Dear Yves Rossy AKA “Jetman,”
Ever since I was a kid, the technological advancement I’ve been most impatient for is the personal jetpack. Flying cars? Meh. Teleportation? Whatevs. Immortality? No thanks. But the idea of strapping on a freakin’ JETPACK and taking off to explore the great unknown? YES PLEASE. And you, sir, are quite literally living my dream. Last week, you strapped on your custom jetpack and flew a wide circle around Mount Fuji. And you didn’t stop there. You did it eight more times. Quick question: is there room for two on that thing? If so, give me a call.
Dear Darrian Crutcher, AKA The Detroit Mailman Who Saved A Woman From A Burning House And Then Finished His Route,
My love, respect, and doe-eyed adoration for postal carriers has been well documented, but usually my mailman crushes just, you know, deliver mail and show off their toned calves. You’re different. You don’t just deliver mail, you save lives! Keep reading »