Posts tagged "be my boyfriend"

Be My Soulmate: Man Who Was Diagnosed With “Chronic, Incurable Lateness”

Dear Jim Dunbar,

For your entire life, you’ve never been able to make it to anything on time. Your lack of punctuality has caused you to miss appointments and flights and lose jobs and girlfriends. Your lateness is such a problem that when you recently wanted to see a movie, you gave yourself…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / September 1, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Steak Thief Who Dressed In A Cow Onesie

Dear Steak Thief,

I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesie…

By: Ami Angelowicz / August 31, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Eric “Mean Melin” Melin, 2013 Air Guitar World Champion

Dear Eric (or do you prefer to be called “Mean Melin”?),

I just watched your performance at the 2013 Air Guitar World Championships in Finland, and all I can say is: wow. You’ve got some serious moves, dude. Everyone knows that dating a musician is the worst, but since your instrument is imaginary,…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / August 28, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Engineering Student Nick Selby Crushes Georgia Tech Convocation — And Our Hearts

Dear Nick,

I watched the inspirational and well-soundtracked speech you gave to the incoming class of engineering students at Georgia Tech, and I was inspired! No, I’ll never build an “Iron Man” suit, and I’ll likely never attend the Georgia Tech engineering program, because, well, math. But your speech was so powerful –…

By: Julie Gerstein / August 21, 2013

Weird News Mad Libs, For Your Own Weird News Stories

We consider ourselves experts when it comes to bizarre stories about chicken wing thieves and raccoon-loving hillbillies. Which is why it made perfect sense that we’d create a weird news Mad Libs form, based on our experience fielding crazy stories from Florida, Texas and beyond. We hope you enjoy giving our Mad Li…

By: Julie Gerstein / August 16, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Built An Adult-Sized Big Wheel Bike

Dear Guy Who Built an Adult-Sized Big Wheel Bike,

I’m a kid at heart. You’re obviously a kid at heart, too. Let’s go ride (big wheel) bikes together.

Sincerely,

Julie

[Neatorama]

 …

By: Julie Gerstein / August 10, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: The Frequently Startled French Cook

Dear Frequently Started French Cook,

When I watched this video, I was instantly attracted to you for two reasons, the first being that you are a French cook (hello, that’s hot). The second reason? I was previously under the impression that I was the most jumpy, easily startled spaz in the universe, but…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / July 9, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Got A Tattoo Of His Wife On His Bald Spot

Dear Bob Baker,

Congrats on your new tattoo! It looks like it’s healing really nicely. I’m sure you’re getting a lot of attention for it right now. Not necessarily for getting a tattoo of your wife in a bikini and high heels pushing a lawnmower on your bald spot that people are calling…

By: Ami Angelowicz / June 17, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Rick Myers, Psychotropic Mushroom & Alligator Enthusiast

Dear Alligator Enthusiast Rick Myers,

It seems like your two favorite things are alligators and drugs, and though I’m not a fan of either of those things, really, I admire your desire to combine the two into one event. From what I understand, you were wandering around with four of your friends i…

By: Julie Gerstein / June 14, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Stole $200,000 In Seafood

I’m vegan, but even I can appreciate a man who appreciates seafood. A guy like Dave Subil, who spirited away with more than $60,000 in seafood supplies. Subil pretended to be in charge of acquiring a bunch of the fishy stuff from a wholesale vendor, and purchased the shrimp and fish with counterfeit checks. The…

By: Julie Gerstein / June 7, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: The Treadmill Dancer

Dear Treadmill Dancer,

Do you know how hard it is to find a man who loves to dance? Who is also in excellent aerobic condition? And who seems to have absolutely no inhibitions? You are truly the whole package. Maybe someday we can choreograph a couple’s dance on a pair of side-by-side treadmills.

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / May 8, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: WoW Gamer Goes From Virtual Blacksmith To Real Life One

Dear Richard Oldham,

I understand that you really like World of Warcraft, the popular interactive video game. In the game, you forged a career as a blacksmith, turning not-real metals into not-real weapons. Few people take their online avatars and turn them into real careers, but most people aren’t you, Rich. Also, I…

By: Julie Gerstein / May 5, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Dialed 911 Looking For Kool-Aid & Weed

Dear Jarvis Sutton,

Are you my soulmate? I think you might be, because it’s pretty clear you appreciate Kool-Aid almost as much as I do. I love the Kool-Aid man so much, especially when he comes crashing through a wall screaming his signature catch phrase, “Oh yeah!” in his creepy smoker’s voice. 

By: Julie Gerstein / May 2, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: The Beautiful Minds Behind Beloved Shirts

An incredible thing happened to me on Sunday night: I saw God for the very first time. Or, you know, this Oprah face sweatshirt, but it’s the exact same thing. I texted Julie immediately to make her aware of my intentions to purchase two (one for each of us, naturally) so that we might match,…

By: Rachel Krause / April 23, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Was Keeping 53 King Cobras In His Car

Dear Guy Who Was Arrested For Driving Around With 53 King Cobras In His Car,

No woman can resist a guy who lives a rock n’ roll lifestyle. In fact, I’ve previously written a love letter to a guy who was so obsessed with heavy metal that he was forced to quit hi…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / April 22, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Got Arrested For Taking Too Many Free Samples At Cub Foods

Dear Erwin Lingitz,

I think it was wrong that you got arrested for taking too many free samples from your local Cub Foods. They are FREE SAMPLES for godssakes! It’s not like you stole food. If you want to ravage a lunch meat sample tray, fill a produce bag with 20 cookies from…

By: Ami Angelowicz / April 18, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Called 911 To Complain About His Mom

Dear Vincent Valvo, AKA The Guy Who Called 911 To Complain About His Mom,

Man, moms can be so annoying, can’t they? Mine used to try to get me to go to bed at 9:30 p.m. when I was a sophomore in high school! Ridiculous, right? And your mom sounds like a real…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / April 18, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who’s Been Wearing A Deer Head For 4 Years

Dear Luo Dan,

I want to tell you that I’m feeling you wearing this deer head mask every day for the last four years. You started wearing it while you were making your art because it make you feel peaceful (no surprise that you’re a painter) and eventually, got used to wearing it…

By: Ami Angelowicz / April 12, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Eric Ducharme, Real-Life Merman Of Florida

Der Eric Ducharme, Merman,

I believe that when you find the thing you love, you should hang on and never let go. In your case, the thing you love is being a Merman — that’s a male mermaid for non-merman enthusiasts — and bless you for it.

By: Julie Gerstein / April 3, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Brian Manowitz, The Vegan Lasagna-Making Black Metal Chef

Dear vegan black metal chef Brian Manowitz,

I think we’d totally get along. After all, we both worship seitan (GET IT?) and enjoy face makeup and browning things in skillets. Your series, “Vegan Black Metal Chef,” has offered up tasty, healthy meals from the dark side, while simultaneously challenging the notion that vega…

By: Julie Gerstein / April 1, 2013
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