Dear Chef Hironori Ikeno,
Two of my favorite things in life are sushi and miniature replicas of larger things, so when I heard you were making mini sushi rolls out of single grains of rice, I was understandably intrigued. Also hungry, because have I mentioned how much I love sushi? Anyway, I read that it takes you about five minutes to make each piece of singular rice sushi (you can crank out regular size rolls in just 1 minute), which include full-flavor ingredients like fresh white fish, radish, and chili. You are obviously very talented in the culinary arts, plus, at the risk of sounding like a pervert, you must have very skilled hands…
Care to, ahem, roll with me sometime?
[YouTube via Neatorama]
Dear Officer Boyer,
May I call you Jon, I mean, unless we’re role-playing or something? Awesome. Jon, where have you been all my life? Or, rather, where have I been that I’m just learning about you now? I’m just one of many women who have been wooed by your reputation for rescuing and adopting the four-legged creatures that you encounter in the line of duty. Last May, a picture of you cuddling a kitten you had rescued and decided to adopt was posted on the Facebook page for a local animal shelter in Baltimore, where you live and serve. Keen-eyed women immediately noticed your rugged good looks and inquired about your relationship status — single after a recent breakup, woohoo! — but you clearly had more important things than dating on your mind. Like starring in an anti-animal abuse campaign called “Show Your Soft Side,” which got you even more attention from women. And being declared one of 2013′s Hottest Cat Guys! Hey, brawny dudes with hearts of gold are hard to come by these days! All the attention led you to start your own fan page, I Love Jon Boyer, but, true to your kindhearted nature, this isn’t a vanity project. I love the fact that you post listings for animals that need to be adopted on your page. Using your good looks to do good deeds just makes you even hotter, Jon. Keep reading »
Dear John Bitmead, AKA The Guy Who Built An Adult-Sized Version Of The Little Tikes Coupe,
When I was growing up, my youngest brother had a Little Tikes coupe car, and my other brothers and I delighted in having him drive it up to the edge of this small cliff by our driveway, and then pushing him off. He never got seriously hurt, but we thought it was so funny to watch this happy, bright-colored little car careening down a craggy hillside with our tiny brother inside, screaming, “Damn you, Dr. Nebulous (or whatever our villain name was that day)!”
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve always gotten a lot of joy out of Little Tike coupes, so when I found out that you had created an adult-sized version, that runs on gasoline and is totally street legal, well, it made me want to date you and push you off a cliff. Could we arrange something like that, please?
Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me. Keep reading »
One thing I always say about men: it is so hot when they believe that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old. That’s why the rest of The Frisky staff and I want to have front row seats next month when Bill Nye The Science Guy debates Ken Ham, the founder of the Creation Museum. Keep reading »
Dear Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell,
Actually, I guess I should say ex Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell, because you officially resigned from your position yesterday. I’m not in the habit of propositioning politicians, especially politicians who are resigning in order to stage a write-in campaign as a Constitution Party candidate, but it’s the way you resigned that caught my attention. See, you didn’t just submit a normal letter of resignation. You wrote your letter in Klingon as an “inside joke.” The mayor called it “unprofessional.” I call it brilliant. Keep reading »