Dear Joe Salter, AKA The Guy Who Ran An Entire Marathon Backward While Juggling,
Some of the qualities I most admire in a man are a sense of humor, cardiovascular health, and superb hand-eye coordination. Based on the fact that you recently completed Illinois’ Quad Cities Marathon while running backward and continuously juggling, I feel confident that you meet all of these standards. You might have missed out on a Guinness World Record due to a tragic technicality (certain parts of the race didn’t allow filming, so they can’t verify your feat), but you have endurance-juggled your way right into my heart. Care to meet me for a jog — backward or forward — sometime?
Dear Patrick Neal Schumacher,
I get it: You were caught between a rock and a horse ride, as it were. You needed to get to your brother’s wedding some 600 miles away, but because your driver’s license had been suspended, you needed to find an alternate means of travel. Planes, trains and other automobiles were apparently out of the question, so you did what any enterprising, horse-owning person might: You decided to traverse the distance to Bryce, Utah, on horseback. Keep reading »
The heart wants what it wants. And in the case of James Rene Mouton of Scott, Louisiana, the heart wanted to ride a horse into a bar and lasso a guy.
The 26-year-old had stopped into the Cowboys nightclub and kept his horse trailer parked in the bar’s parking lot. Which was convenient, because at some point during the night, he decided that he needed to go riding. In the bar. He was escorted out of the establishment on his steed by a 47-year-old man, who was then lassoed and dragged through the parking lot by Mouton.
Oh, but that’s not all.
A drunk Mouton dropped the horse off at his parent’s house and then returned to the bar on foot. The police were called, and Mouton tried to hide, but was eventually found and charged with disturbing the peace, remaining after being forbidden, second degree battery, public intimidation and retaliation.
Well, it is called Cowboys Nightclub. [KTSM]
Dear Jim Dunbar,
For your entire life, you’ve never been able to make it to anything on time. Your lack of punctuality has caused you to miss appointments and flights and lose jobs and girlfriends. Your lateness is such a problem that when you recently wanted to see a movie, you gave yourself an 11-hour head start — and still showed up to the theater 20 minutes late. You’ve always thought your lateness was beyond your control, and while that may sound ridiculous to most people, I know exactly how you feel! I’m always late too. Always. No matter how much extra time I give myself or how much I prepare, I inevitably find myself sneaking into every event and engagement 5-20 minutes late. I’ve dealt with my tardiness issues by getting more organized and also getting really, really good at saying, “Sorry I’m late!” You, however, had a different strategy. You went to the doctor. Keep reading »
Dear Steak Thief,
I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesies are a common clothing item, you were “probably not intending to look like the beef [you] were stealing”. Wait, what? It’s common for men to wear onesies in New Zealand? Maybe I should move there. Keep reading »
Dear Eric (or do you prefer to be called “Mean Melin”?),
I just watched your performance at the 2013 Air Guitar World Championships in Finland, and all I can say is: wow. You’ve got some serious moves, dude. Everyone knows that dating a musician is the worst, but since your instrument is imaginary, I think you might be an exception to the rule. I play a pretty fierce air saxophone, if I do say so myself. Maybe we can jam sometime and see where this goes?
[YouTube via Laughing Squid]
I watched the inspirational and well-soundtracked speech you gave to the incoming class of engineering students at Georgia Tech, and I was inspired! No, I’ll never build an “Iron Man” suit, and I’ll likely never attend the Georgia Tech engineering program, because, well, math. But your speech was so powerful — especially the part where you said “If you wanna play theme music during your convocation speech like a badass, you can do that! I … am … doing … that!” – that I now feel prepared to take on a new challenge: making you my boyfriend so hard. Keep reading »
We consider ourselves experts when it comes to bizarre stories about chicken wing thieves and raccoon-loving hillbillies. Which is why it made perfect sense that we’d create a weird news Mad Libs form, based on our experience fielding crazy stories from Florida, Texas and beyond. We hope you enjoy giving our Mad Libs a whirl — we played in the office, and you can check out our version after the jump! Click through some of our favorite Be My Boyfriends for inspiration, if ya want… Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Built an Adult-Sized Big Wheel Bike,
I’m a kid at heart. You’re obviously a kid at heart, too. Let’s go ride (big wheel) bikes together.