Dear Number 49,
Congrats on making it to the Super Heavyweight finals at the Arnold Classic Europe in Madrid this weekend! That’s awesome! I’m sorry that you didn’t win, but still, you were the star of the show. I wish I could say you were getting attention for all your hard work and dedication to the sport of bodybuilding. I cannot. Number 49, people are talking smack about your two-tone tan. It looks like you forgot to slather fake tanner on your face.
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Oh Australia, what were you thinking? A bar in Perth in the Land of the Criminals kicked a guy out for having a mullet haircut. A bouncer at Print Hall’s rooftop bar told mullet-wearer David Hoogland that “his kind” wasn’t welcome at the establishment — and it’s all because of his business in the front, party in the back haircut. Hoogland says he was asked leave because of his hair.
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Dear French Guy Who Buried Himself In A Hole For A Week,
Sometimes life gets really overwhelming, and I want to just, I don’t know, bury myself in a hole with a stack of books and not talk to anyone for a week! Yeah! That’s what I want to do! Do you think that’s crazy? Of course you don’t, because you did exactly that a couple weeks ago, when you descended into a two-foot wide hole dug under a Marseilles bookstore, equipped only with water, freeze-dried food, a headlamp, and some books, and didn’t emerge for seven days. That’s pretty much my life dream. I feel like you and I would have a lot in common. Maybe next time we can share your hole?
That sounds a bit dirtier than I intended, but hey, whatever floats your boat, mon amour.
Dear Vegetable Musician,
Hello. Nice to meet you. I don’t know your name, but I came across this video of you playing your celery nose flute and developed an instantaneous crush. Some people think celery is a boring vegetable. You’ve proved them wrong! Celery has so much untapped potential (it goes great with peanut butter or hummus!) and the fact that you understand that, speaks to your character and creativity. Not to mention your musical talent. Vegetable Musician, I stalked you on YouTube and discovered that you also play the cucumber trumpet, the carrot pan-flute, the broccoli ocarina, the red pepper panpipe, the sweet potato slide whistle and many, many more. OMG. Seriously! You are a one-man vegetable band! A musical fruituoso! Now all you need is a singer. Keep reading »
Dear Tattooed Poet,
You got the following poem tattooed on your shoulder: “Roses are red/ My name is Dave/ This poem makes no sense/ Microwave.” Obviously you have a way with words and a keen eye for art. I wrote you a little response poem that I hope you’ll enjoy:
Violets are blue
My name is Winona
I like your poem tattoo
It gave me a bonah.
Care to escort me to the tattoo parlor and make this official?
Dear Mark Welch,
I would like to start by saying that even if no one else does, I believe you. I’ve had that happen to me before — where I woke up and the same stuff that I dreamed happened to me in real life. I was in college, around you age, when it happened. It’s was really freaky. I thought I was losing my mind. Granted, I wasn’t smoking synthetic pot before bed (I was smoking real pot) nor did I call 911 to report the incident, but I can understand why you did. I don’t think you were trying to be cute or funny. You were scared. Keep reading »