Dear Brandon Chicotsky,
Congrats on your new business venture, BaldLogo.com! I love that you turned your early onset baldness into a way to make money and bring “bald and beautiful back.” Not that it was ever out, per se. At least, not in my mind. Seriously, I think you look good, even with that logo on your head. And if I had anything to advertise (I don’t at the moment), I would definitely pay $320 a day for you to be my own personal walking billboard. Keep reading »
Dear Garrett Michael Hoover,
I like a man who knows what he wants — and it’s clear from this Horry County mugshot that you like to boink. Well, guess what? I like to boink, too. Maybe we could boink together, just as soon as you get out of jail for disorderly conduct. In the meantime, I’ll just be here, with the words “Waiting 4 Garrett” written on my arm.
See you soon,
Dear Guy Who Built This Epic Mobile Office In His Car,
Listen, dude, I get it. Why start work at 9 a.m. and end at 5 p.m. when you can get so much more done during your commute, right? God himself couldn’t build a cubicle large enough to contain your ambitions! So you did what any self-respecting workaholic would do: you built a wooden frame in the passenger seat of your car, where you attached a laptop, a printer, a router, a WLAN antenna, and a power source. This setup allowed you to conduct all your business while speeding down the autobahn at 80 miles per hour, which is exactly what you were doing when you got pulled over earlier this week.
Psh. Cops are such party poopers. What do you say we meet for a working lunch in my Volkswagen Jetta, I’ll keep it under the speed limit, and we’ll see where this goes? [Yahoo News]
Dear Danai Raiwech (aka The Great Panty Caper),
Hi. How are you? You probably feel like shit right now, on bail, waiting to be charged for your involvement in nearly a half a million dollar jewelry heist. But stealing jewelry is not your life’s passion. Your life’s passion is stealing women’s underwear. Keep reading »
Oh, Charles Shumanis III, the love we could have had. Earlier this month, Shumanis, 47, was convicted of stealing lobsters (!) and other meat from an Allentown, Pennsylvania-area supermarket, with the intention of selling the crustaceans to support his drug habit. Shumanis apparently repeatedly stole lobsters from the store, and was finally apprehended in March of this year. In all, he stole around $350 in merchandise and was also charged with auto theft. He faces — get this — up to 25 years in prison. That is one expensive lobster dinner. What must ambivalent single lobster think? [MSN]