Dear Guy With Permanent Converse,
I don’t know who you are, but you may be my sole mate. What an innovative idea it was to get shoes tattooed on your feet! Just think, you’ll never be refused service at a fast food joint or a gas station ever again. Bonus points for choosing Converse. It speaks to your practical nature as Chucks never go out of style. And talk about commitment. Clearly you have no hangups in that department. I don’t know what kind of shoes I would want on my feet forever. Maybe heels so I’d never have to wear them again? It’s important for you to know that if you asked me to tattoo shoes on my feet, I would. We could roam the world together, barefoot (kind of).
Dear Batman Goatee Guy,
You are either a really serious Batman fan or have an excellent sense of humor or both. You’re handy with a razor and possess the ability to grow thick, lustrous facial hair. I’m not sure what else I could ever want in a man. Do you have a date for the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” yet? Because I am definitely available. [Buzzfeed]
You guys like animals, I love animals. You guys like getting drunk, I like getting drunk. It seems like we’d get along. After all, it’s not every day that three guys get drunk, break into a Sea World and steal a friggin’ penguin. [Daily Mail UK]
Dear Kenichi Ito (aka Monkey Man),
I really admire how you’ve been perfecting different movement styles based on the Patas monkey of Africa. For the record, I don’t think you look like a monkey. I’m sorry that you were teased as a child. I was too. It sucks. But I respect how you turned your pain into a positive by learning to adopt animal traits. I did that as well! You can ask my family about The Bird With The Broken Wing and The Disinterested Flamingo if you get to meet them. I can’t run as fast as you on all fours, I’ve never gone into the mountains for an animal training retreat, and thank God, I have never been mistaken for a wild boar and shot at, but I can anthropomorphize an animal like nobody’s business. I think we would get along really well. Maybe we could get together and you can teach me how to gallop on all fours.
At Burger King, you can “have it your way.” And one Japanese guy really took that to heart, by customizing his burger with more than 1,000 pieces of bacon. My very special next boyfriend candidate likes bacon so much that he had the fryolater workers at his fave fast food joint add 1,050 slabs to his sandwich, rendering it absolutely impossible to actually shove in one’s mouth. Not that he didn’t try. Which is what I actually admire in him — his sandwich fortitude, or sandwichatude, if you will. It warms my cold vegan heart. [Huffington Post]
Dear William Todd,
Color me impressed! There are career criminals that don’t accomplish in a lifetime what you did in nine hours: committing 10 felonies. Not only did you steal a taser, revolver and shotgun (and a T-shirt!) from Nashville bar The Slaughterhouse, but you then burned the business to the ground! And because you are a king among criminal men, you went on to commit many more crimes. There was the stop at a local bar where you held up four people at gunpoint, tasering one, and pistol-whipping another. And then, minutes later, you held up a taxi at gunpoint, driving the stolen car to a local Walmart where you purchased $199 in food. All that crime can make you hungry.
But your crime spree was only half over.
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Dear Robert Wilkinson (aka drunk guy who sang “Bohemian Rhapsody” to a cop),
Hello. Nice to meet you. Queen is also my favorite band, although I prefer “Fat Bottomed Girls” or “Somebody to Love.” Sometimes when the world feels overwhelming and I don’t know what to do, I sing Queen. There’s something soothing about singing their songs aloud. They help put life in perspective. Speaking of “Somebody to Love” … I think you should drop me a line if you’re sober now. I’m not into drunks. Plus you live in Canada. I don’t know if serenading cops is a regular thing for you — I really hope not. But this happened back in November, so I’m assuming you’ve got your shit together by now. I should tell you, I really liked your message about “brotherhood of men on the planet earth.” I can tell you are a peaceful man at heart and that “physical violence is the least of [your] priorities.” I think we should go do some karaoke together. What say you?
Dear Oetzi AKA The Ancient Iceman,
I just saw a picture of you and damn, with a beard like that all you need is a jaunty newsboy cap and you could easily find work as a Stumptown barista. Scientists have analyzed your genome and just discovered that you were lactose intolerant (only soy lattes for you, mister!) and had brown eyes and Lyme disease. The Lyme disease thing is kind of a downer, but those brown eyes and Italian swagger? Total dreamboat status. If you hadn’t been killed with an arrow 5,300 years ago I would totally be crushing on you. [BBC News]
Hi, My name is Julie and I’m a Turtleman-a-holic. I’ve just spent the last three hours watching Animal Planet’s “Call of the Wildman,” and I am hooked. The show follows “The Turtleman” Ernie Brown Jr., a middle-aged guy who lives with his mom and spends his days rooting out wild animals from his friends’ and neighbors’ properties. His specialty is snapping turtles, but he will also help capture and release possums, raccoons and snakes. On one recent episode, The Turtleman humanely removed a large family of rats from a house using peanut butter sandwiches and mint (rats love peanut butter sandwiches but hate the smell of mint — who knew!?). Turtleman has a catch phrase — “live action” — and a posse, the Turtle Crew, who help him capture and save the animals. So yes, basically, we’re in love. [Animal Planet]
Dear Guy Who Stole $25,000 Worth Of Tide Detergent,
OK, you’ve got my attention. Let’s talk. You went to the store and walked out with a pilfered cartload of Tide detergent every day for a month, eventually amassing enough laundry soap to wash more than 82,500 loads of laundry. The cops are baffled, but it makes perfect sense to me: you’re not addicted to shoplifting; you’re addicted to the fresh smell and satisfying feel of freshly washed linens. I’ve got a lot of laundry to do. You’ve got a lot of detergent. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? [ Daily Mail UK]