Dear Devil Impersonator,
They have not revealed your identity, but aren’t you quite the little shit starter. I wonder what gave you the idea to put on a devil costume and try to crash a confirmation service at a church in northern Africa. Granted, you were arrested before you made it into the church and charged with disturbing the peace, but your idea was creative, albeit offensive. I like to give my potential suitors the benefit of the doubt. So, I am choosing to believe that you are just a man in need a more appropriate outlet for your creative rebellion. I have a proposal for you, Devil Boy: Come to our country, dress up as a vagina and rattle those Michigan House Republicans who think speaking the word on the floor is as offensive as entering a church dressed as the devil.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
You had me at, “I don’t take no orders from no woman.”
Meet Ihor Stetkewycz, the man of my dreams — a tree removal guy who pissed off Detroit-area residents when he dumped a pile of tree stumps on their street and sped off. But that’s not why we’re in love. Ihor is my boyfriend because of the deft way he handled his ABC News on-air interview, where he told the female reporter that “I don’t take no orders from no woman.” He then followed it up by stating several times that the neighbor that complained about his misdeed “must have been a woman and I don’t listen to no woman, I just tell ‘em to shut up.” Obviously, he’s kind of a prince among men. [Buzzfeed]
Insert your favorite pussy joke here: A guy in — where else? — Florida, was arrested after he tried to take his kitten into a strip club and was denied entry. Everett Lages was arrested after he repeatedly called 911 after being told he had to leave the premises. Lages apparently expected that the cops would do something, but instead, they charged him with misuse of the 911 system, disorderly intoxication, trespassing after warning and resisting arrest without violence.
Can’t a man bring his kitten into a strip club? Too much competition for the strippers? [Charlotte County Sheriff's Office]
Dear Unidentified Man Who Stole 400,000 Toothpicks,
Let me start by saying that I do not condone theft. But I will say, your crime intrigues me. I am imagining the circumstances under which someone would break into a toothpick factory and steal $3,000 worth of product — that’s nearly half a million toothpicks! — and sell them at flea market. I can’t imagine it would be for the money. Even if you got top dollar for your bounty, it wouldn’t get you far. In my mind, you’re just a dreamer, a man who longs for a world where no one has food stuck in his teeth. It’s so hard to look at and so embarrassing when it happens to you. Mortifying! I get it. Dental hygiene is very important to me too. I am one of those weird people who looks forward to going to the dentist. In fact, I have a cleaning next week. Yay! Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Filled His House With Mammoth Bones,
Two years ago, when you found your first woolly mammoth bone in your Iowa backyard, you reacted like most people would, by saying to your sons, “Boys, that’s a bone. That’s a really big bone.” But it was how you proceeded after that that really caught my attention: you dug up that bone (which turned out to be a femur), then you dug up more bones, and more, and more. You brought in construction equipment and paleontologists to help, and then you put all the bones in your living room. With your backyard bone collection rapidly growing, you told a local news station that you’re considering adding another room to your house to assemble the skeleton. Perhaps you could make room for me too? [NBC Los Angeles]
Artist Burt Jansen was bummed when his cat Orville was killed by a car, but he also saw his pet’s death as an artistic opportunity — turning lemons into lemonade, if you will. Jansen stuffed the dead animal, and through some ingenious engineering, turned Orville the Cat into Orville the Helicopter, or the Orvillecopter. The cat-cum-remote-controlled-toy is currently on display at the Kunstrai Art Festival in Amsterdam. And while Jansen admits that the Orvillecopter doesn’t always fly perfectly straight, he assures us that “he will receive more powerful engines and larger props for his birthday. So this hopping will soon change into steady flight.”
Please enjoy a video of the Orvillecopter actually flying after the jump.
Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Built An Exact Replica Of The Car From “Ghostbusters,”
If I were to make a list of traits I find irresistible in a man, it would go something like this: “dark hair, green eyes, great sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and most importantly, willingness to spend almost $80,000 to turn a 1959 Cadillac Hearse into a working replica of the car from ‘Ghostbusters.’” My current boyfriend fits most of these criteria, but as far as I know, you’re the only man in the world who has ever accomplished that last one. It took years of work, 158 miles of wire, four lightbars, and rotating beacons, but you did it. Now, who you gonna call? Hopefully me.
Earlier this week, Iowa man Jerald Reiter was arrested with a zebra and a parrot in his car. But that’s not what got him busted. No, it seems Reiter was arrested for driving under the influence and was put in handcuffs in the parking lot of the (wait for it) Dog House Bar.
Here’s why I love Jerald. He says his zebra and his parrot were there because they like going for rides. You know, as zebras and parrots do. He and girlfriend (bummer) Vickey Teters say the two animals are like the couple’s babies, and they go everywhere together. Jerald says he knew he was too drunk to drive and was in the process of scooching over to the passenger seat when the police showed up. A likely story.
So many questions for Jerald. Like, how’d he procure a zebra? Where does the zebra sleep? Can he hook me up with one? Let’s work it out guy! [Neatorama]
Dear Dude Who Was Kicked Out Of Manhattan’s Blue Ruin Bar For Eating A Salad In The Bathroom,
Where have you been all my life? Finally, someone who understands the simple pleasure of eating leafy greens in the serenity of a lavatory. I love to take my salad breaks in the bathtub. Like the bartender who kicked you out of the men’s room before you had a chance to finish your salad (what was in it, by the way?), friends and acquaintances have expressed disbelief, even repulsion, that I would want to eat my veggies whilst lounging in the tub. But fuck them, soulmate of mine. Come on over to my house — I have a toilet seat with your name on it. I’ll draw a hot bath — perhaps I won’t even make you avert your eyes — and we can clink forks before drowning out the haters with the loud crunch of romaine hearts and cucumber slices. I’m getting hot just thinking about it. All I ask is that you bring the dressing. I prefer balsamic vinegar-based.
See you soon, I hope,
Dear Guy Who Legally Changed His Name To Tyrannosaurus Rex,
Last week you were just a regular 23-year-old guy named Tyler Gold from York, Nebraska. Then you went to court and filed a motion to change your name to Tyrannosaurus Rex, telling a judge you wanted to do it because it was “cooler” than your original name (totally true, by the way). When you walked out of that courthouse your legal name was Tyrannosaurus Rex Joseph Gold, and suddenly I want to marry you and have tons of little T-Rexes. Use those comically short arms of yours to give me a call sometime. I have a feeling you could be the Lizard King of my heart.
[York News Times]