Dear Zachariah Dalton,
Most women will tell you that they want a man who’s close to his parents. A man who loves and respects his mother and father and has a good relationship with them. It seems, Zachariah, that you are one of those guys. The other day, when you attempted to rob a Thumbs Up convenience store in Niceville, Florida, you realized that you had no getaway vehicle. And the reason you had no getaway vehicle? It seems you have two prior arrests for driving under the influence.
Perhaps you intended to buy one with your new windfall — only the clerk at Thumbs Up didn’t actually have any money in his cash drawer, so you were left without. I suppose it’s okay, though, because according to the police, you hadn’t really planned to rob the store, you’d only come up with the idea while walking there.
So, no harm, no foul. Keep reading »
Dear Farting Chef,
Food and farts! You sir, know how to make a lady swoon. Farting Chef, your Craigslist ad detailing the achievement of your three-month mission to fart on all 37 of your employees, knocked the wind out of me. I am dying to figure out who you are.
In the ad, you write, “I am a chef, I don’t know if I would call myself world famous, but I am definitely known in and around NYC. I have had several specials on foodnetwork.” Keep reading »
First may I say that I am beyond flattered that you A) read my “Be My Boyfriend” post about you and B) made a video in response. To quote myself when I found out about it: “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
I have a couple of points to address with you, Brandon. This is a bit tangential, but I notice that you are holding a cat in the video. If you ever want us to date, I should be up front and tell you that you’ll have to ditch the cat. I have an issue with male cat owners. Also, I’m highly allergic. Sorry. That’s the deal. Keep reading »
Dear 38-Year-Old Anonymous Man,
You must be dying of embarrassment right now after receiving a five-page, formal letter of reprimand from your employer accusing you of “uncontrollable flatulence” that is creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers. OUCH.
Apparently, you told your supervisor that you suffered from “some medical conditions,” but he or she isn’t buying it. Your manager stated that “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.” Keep reading »
Dear Resourceful Baggage Guy,
I love a man who finds innovative solutions to life’s annoying problems. And your solution to astronomical airline baggage fees was particularly smart: Rather than carry luggage, you wore yours, somehow managing to don more than 70 items of clothing in Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport. Keep reading »