Dear Thomas, AKA Mr. Ballsy,
First, allow me to compliment you on your ball. It’s huge and smooth and you look really hot attached to it. But it’s not the size or the softness or the sex appeal of your ball that appeals to me — it’s what you’re doing with your ball that really matters. A cancer survivor yourself, you’ve embarked upon a cross-country trip with your rolling inflatable testicle in tow, spreading awareness about testicular health and cancer. By relying on the kindness of your fellow man to help you reach the end of your journey, you’re creating unique opportunities to share with them the goals of your trip in the first place.
“I want people to come and (say), ‘I’ll book a hotel room, I’ll take you out to lunch, I’ll fill up your gas tank’ or whatever, and I want those physical connections, I don’t just want people to donate to me, I want people to connect with me,” you explained to MTV. Well, Thomas, if I may be ballsy myself, I would like to connect with you. Keep reading »
When a horrific tornado damaged the community of Cedarville, Ohio, local news station WHIO went to the scene to cover the damage. Weatherman Rich Wirdzek was filming a segment about the devastation when he heard loud mews for help coming from a kitten buried in the rubble. Wirdzek warmed up the kitten in the station’s news van and eventually set out to locate his owners. WHIO later found out that the kitty had been one of several born in a barn belonging to the Dobbins family, who live in the area. The barn has since been destroyed, but this little nugget miraculously made it through the storm. Two of his siblings were also found alive. His family previously thought he didn’t make it, and I can’t imagine how overjoyed they must have been when they heard he was okay. He and his siblings have been named Twister, Storm and Lucky after the ordeal. It’s so comforting to see something sweet come out of such an awful experience. Rich Wirdzek and his team are total heroes! [Jezebel]
Remember Dana McGregor, the magical SoCal dude who taught his goats to surf? As if his interspecies surfing lessons weren’t admirable enough, he’s now become Pismo Beach’s
leading only goats rights activist. His focus switched from surfing to activism in the face of a law passed by the city council that bans goats within Pismo city limits. In January, McGregor begged the council to reconsider. “I talked about all the good things the goats are doing in the community,” he said. “They’re our mascots for surfing and stand-up paddleboard camps.” (Was that not how you were expecting that sentence to end? Me neither.) McGregor has received numerous tickets for letting his goats graze within city limits, but he’s undeterred. “I want what’s best for the city too,” he said. “I’m hoping we can work something out.” Meanwhile, I’m wondering if McGregor and I can work something out. Like, a relationship. Because as the old saying goes, “When you find someone who shares your pathological obsession with goats, you should marry them immediately. And then go surfing with your goats to celebrate.” Dana, give me a call. [The Tribune]
Dear Chef Hironori Ikeno,
Two of my favorite things in life are sushi and miniature replicas of larger things, so when I heard you were making mini sushi rolls out of single grains of rice, I was understandably intrigued. Also hungry, because have I mentioned how much I love sushi? Anyway, I read that it takes you about five minutes to make each piece of singular rice sushi (you can crank out regular size rolls in just 1 minute), which include full-flavor ingredients like fresh white fish, radish, and chili. You are obviously very talented in the culinary arts, plus, at the risk of sounding like a pervert, you must have very skilled hands…
Care to, ahem, roll with me sometime?
[YouTube via Neatorama]
Dear Officer Boyer,
May I call you Jon, I mean, unless we’re role-playing or something? Awesome. Jon, where have you been all my life? Or, rather, where have I been that I’m just learning about you now? I’m just one of many women who have been wooed by your reputation for rescuing and adopting the four-legged creatures that you encounter in the line of duty. Last May, a picture of you cuddling a kitten you had rescued and decided to adopt was posted on the Facebook page for a local animal shelter in Baltimore, where you live and serve. Keen-eyed women immediately noticed your rugged good looks and inquired about your relationship status — single after a recent breakup, woohoo! — but you clearly had more important things than dating on your mind. Like starring in an anti-animal abuse campaign called “Show Your Soft Side,” which got you even more attention from women. And being declared one of 2013′s Hottest Cat Guys! Hey, brawny dudes with hearts of gold are hard to come by these days! All the attention led you to start your own fan page, I Love Jon Boyer, but, true to your kindhearted nature, this isn’t a vanity project. I love the fact that you post listings for animals that need to be adopted on your page. Using your good looks to do good deeds just makes you even hotter, Jon. Keep reading »
Dear John Bitmead, AKA The Guy Who Built An Adult-Sized Version Of The Little Tikes Coupe,
When I was growing up, my youngest brother had a Little Tikes coupe car, and my other brothers and I delighted in having him drive it up to the edge of this small cliff by our driveway, and then pushing him off. He never got seriously hurt, but we thought it was so funny to watch this happy, bright-colored little car careening down a craggy hillside with our tiny brother inside, screaming, “Damn you, Dr. Nebulous (or whatever our villain name was that day)!”
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve always gotten a lot of joy out of Little Tike coupes, so when I found out that you had created an adult-sized version, that runs on gasoline and is totally street legal, well, it made me want to date you and push you off a cliff. Could we arrange something like that, please?