Dear Chef Hironori Ikeno,
Two of my favorite things in life are sushi and miniature replicas of larger things, so when I heard you were making mini sushi rolls out of single grains of rice, I was understandably intrigued. Also hungry, because have I mentioned how much I love sushi? Anyway, I read that it takes you about five minutes to make each piece of singular rice sushi (you can crank out regular size rolls in just 1 minute), which include full-flavor ingredients like fresh white fish, radish, and chili. You are obviously very talented in the culinary arts, plus, at the risk of sounding like a pervert, you must have very skilled hands…
Care to, ahem, roll with me sometime?
[YouTube via Neatorama]
Dear Officer Boyer,
May I call you Jon, I mean, unless we’re role-playing or something? Awesome. Jon, where have you been all my life? Or, rather, where have I been that I’m just learning about you now? I’m just one of many women who have been wooed by your reputation for rescuing and adopting the four-legged creatures that you encounter in the line of duty. Last May, a picture of you cuddling a kitten you had rescued and decided to adopt was posted on the Facebook page for a local animal shelter in Baltimore, where you live and serve. Keen-eyed women immediately noticed your rugged good looks and inquired about your relationship status — single after a recent breakup, woohoo! — but you clearly had more important things than dating on your mind. Like starring in an anti-animal abuse campaign called “Show Your Soft Side,” which got you even more attention from women. And being declared one of 2013′s Hottest Cat Guys! Hey, brawny dudes with hearts of gold are hard to come by these days! All the attention led you to start your own fan page, I Love Jon Boyer, but, true to your kindhearted nature, this isn’t a vanity project. I love the fact that you post listings for animals that need to be adopted on your page. Using your good looks to do good deeds just makes you even hotter, Jon. Keep reading »
Dear John Bitmead, AKA The Guy Who Built An Adult-Sized Version Of The Little Tikes Coupe,
When I was growing up, my youngest brother had a Little Tikes coupe car, and my other brothers and I delighted in having him drive it up to the edge of this small cliff by our driveway, and then pushing him off. He never got seriously hurt, but we thought it was so funny to watch this happy, bright-colored little car careening down a craggy hillside with our tiny brother inside, screaming, “Damn you, Dr. Nebulous (or whatever our villain name was that day)!”
What I’m trying to say is that I’ve always gotten a lot of joy out of Little Tike coupes, so when I found out that you had created an adult-sized version, that runs on gasoline and is totally street legal, well, it made me want to date you and push you off a cliff. Could we arrange something like that, please?
Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me. Keep reading »
One thing I always say about men: it is so hot when they believe that the Earth is 4.5 billion years old. That’s why the rest of The Frisky staff and I want to have front row seats next month when Bill Nye The Science Guy debates Ken Ham, the founder of the Creation Museum. Keep reading »
Dear Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell,
Actually, I guess I should say ex Indian Trail Town Council Member David Waddell, because you officially resigned from your position yesterday. I’m not in the habit of propositioning politicians, especially politicians who are resigning in order to stage a write-in campaign as a Constitution Party candidate, but it’s the way you resigned that caught my attention. See, you didn’t just submit a normal letter of resignation. You wrote your letter in Klingon as an “inside joke.” The mayor called it “unprofessional.” I call it brilliant. Keep reading »
Dear Paul Little AKA The Guy Who Superimposed His Face Into “Home Alone” So He Could Play Every Character,
I am a huge fan of “Home Alone.” I quote it constantly. I went to see it at a movie theater a couple weeks ago and sat next to an old man who had never seen it and it was hilarious. It’s obvious you share my “Home Alone” obsession, because you decided to forego a traditional Christmas card this year, and instead sent your friends this video of your face superimposed onto every single character in “Home Alone.” I must say all your impressions are pretty solid, although I feel like my Uncle Frank is slightly better than yours. Shall we get together for a plain cheese pizza sometime and find out?
Dear Yves Rossy AKA “Jetman,”
Ever since I was a kid, the technological advancement I’ve been most impatient for is the personal jetpack. Flying cars? Meh. Teleportation? Whatevs. Immortality? No thanks. But the idea of strapping on a freakin’ JETPACK and taking off to explore the great unknown? YES PLEASE. And you, sir, are quite literally living my dream. Last week, you strapped on your custom jetpack and flew a wide circle around Mount Fuji. And you didn’t stop there. You did it eight more times. Quick question: is there room for two on that thing? If so, give me a call.
Dear Darrian Crutcher, AKA The Detroit Mailman Who Saved A Woman From A Burning House And Then Finished His Route,
My love, respect, and doe-eyed adoration for postal carriers has been well documented, but usually my mailman crushes just, you know, deliver mail and show off their toned calves. You’re different. You don’t just deliver mail, you save lives! Keep reading »
Dear Cheese Man,
Hello there. I’d like to start off by saying that we ride the same subway line. Why have I never seen you before? I see the man who panhandles with a live snake, the performance art clown and the lady who plays the “Chicken Dance” on her recorder ALL THE TIME. But I have never seen you and your cheese wheel before. A man wrote into Gothamist complaining about your stinky cheese and the way you ate it:
“Homeboy was seriously enjoying a half wheel of what must have been a severely aged Brie with crackers. He’d dig his gross fingers into the Brie, dig out a piece, slap on a cracker and throw it down. The Brie was highly fragrant and most straphangers were appalled. He also licked his fingers after each bite (perhaps my biggest pet peeve/gross out move) …It gave me the chills to watch his saliva soaked fingers dive repeatedly into that ripe cheese.”
Keep reading »