Dear Yves Rossy AKA “Jetman,”
Ever since I was a kid, the technological advancement I’ve been most impatient for is the personal jetpack. Flying cars? Meh. Teleportation? Whatevs. Immortality? No thanks. But the idea of strapping on a freakin’ JETPACK and taking off to explore the great unknown? YES PLEASE. And you, sir, are quite literally living my dream. Last week, you strapped on your custom jetpack and flew a wide circle around Mount Fuji. And you didn’t stop there. You did it eight more times. Quick question: is there room for two on that thing? If so, give me a call.
Dear Darrian Crutcher, AKA The Detroit Mailman Who Saved A Woman From A Burning House And Then Finished His Route,
My love, respect, and doe-eyed adoration for postal carriers has been well documented, but usually my mailman crushes just, you know, deliver mail and show off their toned calves. You’re different. You don’t just deliver mail, you save lives! Keep reading »
Dear Cheese Man,
Hello there. I’d like to start off by saying that we ride the same subway line. Why have I never seen you before? I see the man who panhandles with a live snake, the performance art clown and the lady who plays the “Chicken Dance” on her recorder ALL THE TIME. But I have never seen you and your cheese wheel before. A man wrote into Gothamist complaining about your stinky cheese and the way you ate it:
“Homeboy was seriously enjoying a half wheel of what must have been a severely aged Brie with crackers. He’d dig his gross fingers into the Brie, dig out a piece, slap on a cracker and throw it down. The Brie was highly fragrant and most straphangers were appalled. He also licked his fingers after each bite (perhaps my biggest pet peeve/gross out move) …It gave me the chills to watch his saliva soaked fingers dive repeatedly into that ripe cheese.”
Keep reading »
I know you guys are sick of hearing about Miley, but you know who isn’t? CARL MCCOID. Surely, you remember Carl? In June 2012, I asked him to Be My Boyfriend, on account of the fact that I found his devotion to Miley Cyrus, in the form of 15 Miley-themed tattoos, to be quite, um, thorough. And sweet? Well, Miley has changed a lot in the last 15 months, but Carl’s love for the pop star has only grown. So has his tattoo collection. He has six new Miley tattoos, including a huge portrait of Miley sticking her tongue out on his rib cage, and a tribute to her new album, Bangerz, on his back. And, ahem, he can’t stop. He’s already planning on his 22nd tattoo, but is debating between two options. “My 22nd is due in two weeks,” Carl told Celebuzz. It’s a choice between the VMAs iconic facial expression or her amazing profile facial side image.” A tough choice, Carl. What should he do, you guys? See more pics of his latest tattoos at the link! [Celebuzz] [Photos: Celebuzz/Carl McCoid]
Dear Joe Salter, AKA The Guy Who Ran An Entire Marathon Backward While Juggling,
Some of the qualities I most admire in a man are a sense of humor, cardiovascular health, and superb hand-eye coordination. Based on the fact that you recently completed Illinois’ Quad Cities Marathon while running backward and continuously juggling, I feel confident that you meet all of these standards. You might have missed out on a Guinness World Record due to a tragic technicality (certain parts of the race didn’t allow filming, so they can’t verify your feat), but you have endurance-juggled your way right into my heart. Care to meet me for a jog — backward or forward — sometime?
Dear Patrick Neal Schumacher,
I get it: You were caught between a rock and a horse ride, as it were. You needed to get to your brother’s wedding some 600 miles away, but because your driver’s license had been suspended, you needed to find an alternate means of travel. Planes, trains and other automobiles were apparently out of the question, so you did what any enterprising, horse-owning person might: You decided to traverse the distance to Bryce, Utah, on horseback. Keep reading »
The heart wants what it wants. And in the case of James Rene Mouton of Scott, Louisiana, the heart wanted to ride a horse into a bar and lasso a guy.
The 26-year-old had stopped into the Cowboys nightclub and kept his horse trailer parked in the bar’s parking lot. Which was convenient, because at some point during the night, he decided that he needed to go riding. In the bar. He was escorted out of the establishment on his steed by a 47-year-old man, who was then lassoed and dragged through the parking lot by Mouton.
Oh, but that’s not all.
A drunk Mouton dropped the horse off at his parent’s house and then returned to the bar on foot. The police were called, and Mouton tried to hide, but was eventually found and charged with disturbing the peace, remaining after being forbidden, second degree battery, public intimidation and retaliation.
Well, it is called Cowboys Nightclub. [KTSM]
Dear Jim Dunbar,
For your entire life, you’ve never been able to make it to anything on time. Your lack of punctuality has caused you to miss appointments and flights and lose jobs and girlfriends. Your lateness is such a problem that when you recently wanted to see a movie, you gave yourself an 11-hour head start — and still showed up to the theater 20 minutes late. You’ve always thought your lateness was beyond your control, and while that may sound ridiculous to most people, I know exactly how you feel! I’m always late too. Always. No matter how much extra time I give myself or how much I prepare, I inevitably find myself sneaking into every event and engagement 5-20 minutes late. I’ve dealt with my tardiness issues by getting more organized and also getting really, really good at saying, “Sorry I’m late!” You, however, had a different strategy. You went to the doctor. Keep reading »
Dear Steak Thief,
I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesies are a common clothing item, you were “probably not intending to look like the beef [you] were stealing”. Wait, what? It’s common for men to wear onesies in New Zealand? Maybe I should move there. Keep reading »
Dear Eric (or do you prefer to be called “Mean Melin”?),
I just watched your performance at the 2013 Air Guitar World Championships in Finland, and all I can say is: wow. You’ve got some serious moves, dude. Everyone knows that dating a musician is the worst, but since your instrument is imaginary, I think you might be an exception to the rule. I play a pretty fierce air saxophone, if I do say so myself. Maybe we can jam sometime and see where this goes?
[YouTube via Laughing Squid]