I don’t feel like “Do Not Want” really even captures my gut-level reaction to these $455 jean shorts (jorts, if you’re nasty) for men. “Fuck no, stop triflin’” or “Get the fuck out of here with this nonsense” is more accurate. Jorts — that is, denim shorts that have been hemmed, not simply jeans that have been cut off (those are slightly more acceptable, in my opinion, but I’m willing to debate that) — are right up there with mandals and tucked-in shirts for biggest dude fashion vagina killers for me. Oh look, how coincidental, look at how Dolce & Gabbana decided to style their hideous and expensive jort travesty — with mandals and a tucked-in shirt! Everything about this is next level wrong. I’m appalled. [via Buzzfeed]
A titty warmer? A breast merkin? Funbag fur? A boobler? “It’s like a muffler, but for boobs!” said Ami. John DeVore volunteered “mammoth unibrow,” “Muppet tits,” and my personal favorite, “Giant Boob Tribble.” I’m not sure of its purpose, besides keeping your breasts warm to the point of sweating profusely. I hate it. That is all. [Photos: Fame/Flynet]
When I look out the window right now, I see snow blanketing New York City, further sign that Punxsutawney Phil wasn’t joking when he saw his shadow and predicted four more months of winter. And while I am longing for the warmer temperatures of spring, one thing is giving me pause. The fact that, according to every fashion magazine I’ve picked up in the last month, hideous, chunky, clunky, sporty sandals, seemingly inspired by what I consider to be the ugliest footwear ever imagined, Tevas (yes, more so than Birkenstocks OR Uggs!), are apparently all the rage for spring. Seriously, there’s a whole spread of them in the new issue of Lucky. And all of these shoes above, currently available at your favorite stupidly pricey e-boutique, are priced at $500-$800. I SWEAR. All together now … DO! NOT! WANT!
Off the top of my head, I enjoyed reading Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex, J.D. Salinger’s Franny and Zooey, Harper Lee’s To Kill A Mockingbird and Zadie Smith’s White Teeth more than the company of many, many, many boys/men. Luckily, these two things – boys and books — are not actually in competition for anyone’s affection or attention. This shirt, wherever it’s being sold, is bullshit. [Tumblr via Buzzfeed]
Fashion tip number one: before you decide to go ahead and emblazon a Cool, Edgy Symbol on a $70 T-shirt, why not use the fine resource known as this here Internet to confirm that it hasn’t already been claimed by a white power rock band, you know, just to play it safe? Come on, Marc Jacobs, haven’t you heard of a reverse Google search? Obviously you’ve never tried online dating. (In my opinion, Nordstrom commenter “whay” is the hands-down winner of this entire discussion: “This shirt is just wrong on so many levels!!! No one should get this shirt! it’s to [sic] small.”) [via Gawker]
Dear Topshop, I’m not sure why anyone would willingly purchase a pair of mom jeans, but I think everyone knows that an authentic pair can be procured at any Kohl’s or Kmart for much, much less than the $65 price you’ve slapped on these acid-washed, tapered, high-waisted monstrosities. Seriously. Make it stop. [Bleach Acid Mom Jeans, $65, Topshop]
Don’t let the shitty weather fool you. According to most major women’s clothing purveyors, it is bathing suit season. Maybe it’s on account of it being “Spring Breakers” all over the place (“sprang break! sprang break! sprang break!”), but a surprising portion of this year’s swimsuits seem to be rather tickety-tackety. But don’t take our word for it! Click through to see some of the fringiest, funniest and deeply unappealing swimwear of 2013.
One of the worst things about normal sweaters is that they cover up the glistening, hairy man chests that the world deserves to see. Firebox’s “70s Hairy Chest Sweater” solves that problem in truly horrifying style, with a printed image of a naked torso, complete with shiny belly hair and a gaudy necklace. This polyester nightmare can be yours for just $61! But really, please don’t buy this. [Laughing Squid]
You know all those times when you’re like, “Gee, I wish I had some pasty white people leg tights?” No? You don’t want those? Well, too bad, because Maison Martin Margiela has fashioned the perfect pair of skin-crawlingly Caucasian-flavored tights. These bad boys also include a rather menacing black stripe right across the thighs. Do you feel uncomfortable yet? How about when I tell you they originally retailed for more than $700? How about now? [LN-CC]
Look at this model. It’s like she’s saying, “I’m a sad, sexy clown! I’m a pouty mime!” Plus, she’s got these stupid platform shoes-cum-skis on her feet. And yes, the models were required to somehow get down the runway in these monsters. Gianni Molaro — the wizard behind these looks — exhibited his collection as part of the Alta Moda Alta Roma fashion week, aimed at giving young and upcoming designers exposure.
We really couldn’t get over these weirdo ski shoes, so we’ve collected a bunch of other shots from the collection, after the jump.
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