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For The Week Of December 21-27, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll be on top of the world, as true love and mutual feelings light up your life. However, don’t turn this into fuel to burn others, as bragging isn’t going to do you any favors. This feeling of bliss should be making you rise above rather than pouring salt over frenemies’ wounds. If you do find yourself using your emotions as a weapon, it’s time to reconsider your motives.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll find solace in someone you least expect, as you and your honey won’t be seeing eye-to-eye on much and creating havoc everywhere you go. Just as you’ll feel as if you are totally alone, compassion will arrive, giving you the insight you need to see past the agony and help make all things right for there to be a happy Christmas for all.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s not what that someone says that will matter now. It’ll be his actions that will give you all the information you need to know. Yes, as it goes, the pressure of the holidays makes people dumb and words sometimes can escape. But oh well, not all that you desire can come to you on a silver platter, so be thankful for the little things — they’ll be far more powerful than talk.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Travel plans hit snags, making you think your happy holidays will get obliterated, but surprise, surprise, your honey finds a way to save the day, reinforcing why you love him so. However, if you’re single, snafus will wind up playing fate into your hands in the most bizarre ways, landing you in a place where things heat up fast and redefining “chestnuts roasting over an open fire.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t blame the holidays for the insanity you’ll feel, because the universe will be hitting the stall button right as you’re on the precipice of a major enlightening event. Expect plans to hits snags, dirty secrets to pop out and gossip to run amok. Sure, the holidays are always messy, but you will take the prize for the most tales to tell. At the least, marvelous presents should compensate.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your honey is going to be turning into a major passive-aggressive freak in T-minus zero minutes and there’s nothing you can do about it. Insanity will spew from his mouth; deciphering any remnants of logic will be impossible. While this might be temporary, it doesn’t mean you have to coddle this behavior. Instead, make sure all your drinks this season are doubles and bottoms up!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Not all friendships are the same caliber. The ones that are true gold will be more than apparent, as the one that’s total crap will practically drive you to murder. This “friend” will start mouthing off in the wrong way, trying to interfere with your bliss and turn this season inside out. Luckily, you’ll have the decorum to acknowledge this person’s behavior discreetly and to dispose of her/him immediately.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll be hot and cold when it comes to love. On one hand, there’ll be many things that will make you grateful for your boo, but then on the other, you’ll see how short he falls in many other categories. Solution: make the most of the social invites. Not everything can be perfect all the time, but with beer goggles you’ll at least numb yourself from turning into a total psycho.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Who cares what delusions you’ll have to convince yourself of, because, as you know, the drill of the holidays is that family is always a bit over the top and that your love life is what it is — the more low key you can make it, the better you will be for it. ‘Tis the season for you to turn the other cheek and let bygones by bygones; if you can do this, next week will be all yours.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If you’ve said all that you want to say, then you will be doing OK. However, what other people admit to you may make your eyeballs pop out of your head and have you doing a double take on their character. Thankfully, their actions should be more comical than conniving. However, if you are withholding secrets, expect the guilt to finally eat you alive this week and for guts to spill.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t fight the system now, so you might as well just fall in line and take what you can, as this isn’t the time to make a fuss with anyone — least of all your honey. Best to lay low and keep that sense of humor intact, because if you think too deeply on anything, you’ll be asking for a big ole heaping spoonful of depression and confusion. Accept love is stupid and keep on keeping on.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your motivation will be dropping at fast levels and you will have not much interest in other people’s festivities. However, going through the motions won’t kill you. If you can manage to do the least, you will come out alive and can give yourself a big ole pat on the back for being so selfless, because as it goes, this week won’t feel as if it has anything to do with you.

Ask The Astrosexologist: How Do I Handle A Scorpio Man?

“I’m a Leo (08/10/84) and he’s a Scorpio (11/03/80). Long story short, we were in a long distance relationship for almost a year up until a few months. He fell hard for me initially. I was hesitant at first, but my feelings became pretty strong over time. We have plenty of similar qualities and great chemistry, and both of us are very passionate. Every relationship has its highs and lows, and it was during our last ‘low’ as a couple that he became wishy-washy and decided he wanted to ‘transition to more of a friendship.’ I think he found the distance part of it more difficult than I did, and while I didn’t want to give up on our relationship, I wanted to try to remain close friends since I love him and want him in my life.

It has been a bumpy road at times and we both have admitted we still have strong feelings for each other. There seems to be a double standard in that he expresses jealousy at the thought of me with another guy, but he thinks I should be okay with it if he meets some other girl sometime down the road. (He’ll often reference his Scorpio sign as a reason for this, stating that Scorpios can be possessive.) Thing is, I don’t wanna be with another guy. When I visited him a month ago, everything was same as usual — fun and romantic. Any advice for a gal trying to handle a Scorpio? Where do I go from here?” – JDub

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For The Week Of December 14-20, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

No one said love was going to be easy, so prepare, as it seems all those logistics of the day-to-day will be what will makes you the most insane right now. Sure, you want to accommodate everyone, including your families, but it seems not everyone will be able to fit into your plans. If you have to choose what to compromise, don’t make it yourself.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Get ready to enter one of those phases with your baby where learning what ever is old is new again — or if you’re in a new relationship, having that time where uncovering all the details of each other’s life is like turning the page in one of the best books you have ever read. Yes, obsession takes a more substantial turn, so live it up and get ready to swoon!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Make luxury a part of your life, as you need to set new themes in your psyche that have you reinstating who the true Queen is in your life. Yes, splurge senselessly if you must, as in whatever it takes to shake you into knowing you are at your best in decadence. After all, if you can’t set the example, who will? Don’t leave the important things up to fate. Take control now!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Breathe a sigh of relief, as answers to a few of your most dire dilemmas will come into sight, giving you flashes of genius and a goal in mind. To drive it to the highest heights though, work your sexiness and charisma to the umpteenth degree and cheerlead the excitement that is you, as you are the sole person to truly ignite the sparks for maximum heat.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You’re not one for public displays of drama, but sometimes to really emphasize what you are feeling, you’re going to have to take the center stage on a bigger platform and plead your case. Sympathy is out there. When given that compassionate shoulder you need to cry on, you can also get the insight to know what is truly right and what is straight-up unacceptable.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Just when you thought this holiday season was going to suck hard, a close friend will open up an opportunity that will have you seeing your life and prospects completely differently. Be willing to let go of preconceived notions fast and jump into a new direction STAT. The quicker you can make decisions now, the higher your chances are to get something truly dynamic to hold on to.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Be aware that all eyes are on you. If you’re into voyeurism, you’ll be one happy camper, as this is your time to titillate as you see fit. However, if you’re not that kind of Pisces, then take cover. Because if you try to express anything important, that someone whom you’re relaying these feelings to won’t be listening in the way you want, and grave misunderstandings may occur.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Leave all your troubles behind, because ridiculousness needs to be your theme. Yes, forget responsibilities, as they aren’t going anywhere anyway. Zone out into la la land. If possible, take a trip. If you can’t, start planning one. Escape is your drug right now and the universe is asking you to swallow a handful, as that is the only way to revive yourself back to being at your best.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

If you find yourself having surreal experiences of the truly whack kind, consider yourself on track with the cosmos. Yes, freaky times are in your stars, and whatever way they come to pass, it’ll put you on a definitive path that’ll heighten your sexual prowess to animalistic levels — even you will be wondering what the hell is going on, but in a totally fab way.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Communication is key in your negotiations this week. But rest assured that if you persevere properly, peace of mind will occur. This will mean being painfully honest in a way you’ve never been before, as in no sugar-coating or projecting coolness to divert your raw emotions. As it stands, the agreement made will only be as good as your argument, so be clear and courageous.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your intense emotions don’t always make romance run smoothly, so keep this in mind, as you’ll have to compromise and deal with life and love in a different way. Seems that this week you will have to chalk something up for the team and put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. Don’t worry; it’ll buy you passage to where you want to be, albeit through a roundabout route.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Screw convention. Now is the time to do what your heart desires — the more extreme and original, the more positive the response you will get. Time to show off your innovation, as if it were an art form. Otherwise, the boredom you will suffer from traveling on the beaten path will not only break you down but your audience too. Do you want bad reviews? No!!!!

Ask The Astrosexologist: Two Cancers Do Sexting

I’m really liking this guy I work with. We’ve been spending a little time together outside of work. He isn’t my boss, I only see him at work occasionally, but he is a Cancer, and so am I. We’re both divorced and committed to career. I’m further into divorced life though, and he’s barely divorced — year and a half. I’m a total crab, and if he’s the same, do you think that we’re compatible? I’m trying to go super slow at this, because he’s still skittish about relationships. He tells me he just wants to “have fun,” but he talks to mutual friends about me. I think that’s a good thing. I’m a hard-shelled girl, so if this turns out to be “just fun” sexing, I’m okay, but I really like him. The more time I spend with him, the deeper I get. Give me your thoughts, be honest. — Dizzy Lizzy

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In Bed With … Tiger Woods

What’s the hype? With the amount of ladies Tiger Woods is scoring, you’d think he’s got a peen made of vaginal ambrosia — or is it just the billions he’s worth that make him a delicious lay? Kiki T. delves in to work it out …

VITAL STATS:
Born:
December 30, 1975, 10:50 PM, Long Beach, CA
Sun Sign: Capricorn
Ascendant: Virgo
Moon: Sagittarius
Mercury: Capricorn
Venus: Scorpio
Mars: Gemini

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For The Week Of December 7-13, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Spill your guts on every single feeling you have about that someone, because, believe it or not, he needs the reassurance more than you. Who could have ever thought there would be someone more analytical than you, but you seem to have connected. Now is time to enjoy having the ball in your court fully and freely.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

One way you know the holiday season is in full swing is when your aggravation levels turn red when dealing with your opinionated family. However, this year, as they pull their same ridiculous stunts, you’ll be able to counteract them with your new and realized self that cares a lot less. Finally, something fun to open up during the holidays — your latest can of worms.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Sit back and let the magic unfold. Comfort is the key to knowing if you’re in the right place, as things will flow forward naturally if meant to be. Otherwise, if you break out your control freak now, it’ll only mess up the vibe and blur you from truly gauging the equality factor of your latest tryst. Yes, to win this round, you’re just going to have to let it ride.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

With your brain going at a turtle’s pace and your heart racing at the speed of lightening, you are going to have to pick a side and stick with it. Nothing about this week is going to be too sweet, as there will be way too many confusing options to choose from. Think of it like being a kid in a candy shop, but with a few sour balls in the mix.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

To exert your power you are going to have to throw some cash at the problem. This can be any way you see fit. If this latest funk requires a splurge for a cure, then go for it. If it means hiring a hit man, then go for that too. Whatever the case, you are the boss and you have the power: enforce it. It’s the only way to get to the other side.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Exorcizing your brain of the past will be your number-one priority, as you’ll reach a dead end and accept there are no more ways to reconcile what has happened. Luckily, once you are decisive about it all, a total 180 will happen, finally making your future wide open with possibilities. So, prepare to do some daydreaming, as setting new aims turns into your new obsession.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Being diplomatic doesn’t mean doing whatever you’re told. Bullying tactics aren’t kind and if you want to end this mess, it’ll mean time to take a stance and mean it. No more being indecisive, thinking fate will unravel its bigger plan on you, as others call your shots. No, this time around, it’s all you and what you say will be the new law.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

There is a reason you were born first in the zodiac, and it’s because you seem to be able to get a clue a lot faster than most and can point to the plan of action with military precision at any moment’s notice. When others don’t get this power of yours, they only screw over themselves. So, do take control, but don’t let those who jump ship bother you. You’ll get the last laugh soon enough.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Set plans in motion with your baby and get on the same idealistic page. No more sitting around, making excuses, putting everyone else ahead of you and just being flat-out bored. This is time to start switching gears in your mind and turning hopes into more than just ideas. Take a spontaneous leap of faith now; it’ll be the best present you’ll get EVER!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Pay attention to the subtle word choices people use with you this week, because not all is sunshine and roses. Go ahead and dig for more answers, because what you find out will only be to your benefit. Not to say another is trying to screw with your mind, but he just can’t seem to bolster the esteem to say what he’s really thinking.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Let logic rule. Things that should be in your life will be blaringly obvious. Otherwise, know that if you’re spending too much time rationalizing situations that don’t add up, you’re seriously barking up the wrong tree and deepening the agony you’ll inevitably face. Besides, the other incentive to a clean break now is that by month’s end a new cycle of possibilities will begin.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While the beginning of the week will start with you feeling as if you’re floating on air, by the end you’ll have another attitude. Yes, you can chalk this up to moodiness, but whatever the case there will be a major turnaround in your emotions and some drama to endure. However, this is all a day in your life and nothing will be altogether too shocking — at least for you.

For The Week Of November 30-December 6, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Who cares what happens behind closed doors? Let go of judgments and dare to give into your curiosities. This is your time to free yourself from the rules you’ve placed on yourself and explore the possibilities. No one is asking for more than you can give, so be kind to yourself and dip your toes into the unknown. Besides, it’s those naughty little secrets that’ll turn another on the most.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You won’t win if you keep comparing yourself to everyone around you. Plus, you won’t be able to be objective right now anyway, as you’ve been too busy blowing up the image of others around you. Instead of beating yourself up, trust that you have a good thing and where you are is exactly where you’re supposed to be — but if you don’t start setting sights higher, you will get left behind.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Drama and love don’t have to go hand-in-hand. While some obstacles are unavoidable, be prudent with what you are buying as excuses. Sure, it takes work to be in a relationship, but sacrificing your pride and testing your patience don’t qualify as such. Draw the line between abuse and understanding and get a leg up on your love life immediately.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Let your idealism run away with you and expect more than you imagined. The only way to get what you want in life is to aim high. If you keep short-changing yourself, thinking no one can give you that fantasy, then you might as well throw in the towel. But this week, things are going to change; though, you must set the target with a vision for all to come into your line of fire.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Think back to the vivid dreams you’ve had or pay attention to the ones you’ll have this week, because as it goes, your psychic powers will be in sharp form and could reveal one of the hidden mysteries that have kept you wondering. To make the most of it and to be your own psychic hotline, before you go to bed, focus on your dilemma of choice and then dream away the answers.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

A new hope is around the corner, so don’t give up yet. Chances are a twist in your current love story line is about to happen, throwing you in a maddening passion that will have you exploring all sorts of extremes you never thought you would. Seems the magic of love or the very strong power of lust will be taking you far out of your comfort zone.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Give those jealous haters their day now and let them think what you want. Don’t you worry, darling — you will get the last laugh! Be patient with what fate deals you now, as the cards in your current hand might not be so great, but they’re helping you perfect your game and problem-solve. When it comes down to it, you’re the one risking the most – and you’ll be the one to win it all.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Keep your momentum up by putting yourself out there and showing off your stuff. Even if you’re attached, working your flirt muscles will do wonders for your esteem, as it’ll give you the heat to come back home and reignite things the way you once thought they should be but got too lazy to maintain. If single, be obvious — it’s the only way to feel the burn.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Scrap all that you know. Work from the gut instead. Spontaneity and feeling the moment are your friends now, opening you up to opportunities you never knew existed. Throw caution to the wind and take the consequences as they come. Not to say this will bring you all the riches you desire, but it’ll change up your point of view enough to see that new possibilities are out there.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You can’t fight magic when it happens, so don’t even try to talk yourself out of a invite that comes this week, as this leap of faith will be what opens your eyes to a whole new way of looking at someone who’s been in your life. Take a risk, no matter what others are saying, and prove them wrong — this is your week to do all the things you love in a truly shocking style.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Intimacy doesn’t always happen the way you envision and the longer you hold on to the way you think things should be, as opposed to how the actually are, you will lose out. Yes, time to scrap your stubbornness, as it will be your downfall. Time to loosen up the reins and give yourself some slack. Besides, hasn’t that old ideal of perfection you’ve held on to let you down enough?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There are many sides to your affections and revealing them all can be quite a shock to another’s system. But if you have the right catch on the hook, opening up will stimulate him to reveal all his secrets, which will play quite nicely into making the next step of your courtship even more intriguingly dangerous and devilish.

In Bed With … Kellan Lutz

VITAL STATS:
Born:
March 15, 1985 in Dickinson, North Dakota
Sun Sign: Pisces
Ascendant: Unknown
Moon: Capricorn
Mercury: Aries
Venus: Aries
Mars: Aries

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Ask The Astrosexologist: My Long-Distance Taurus Man Has Gone MIA

“I am a Libra woman (9/26/82) who began dating a Taurus man (4/22/83) from another country in August. From the first day he voiced his feelings for me and even stated on our third date that he wanted to be with me long-term i.e. marriage, kids, etc. I have never been told anything like this before and I was flattered, but also way cautious due to my last horrible relationship with a Taurus man.”

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For The Week Of November 23-29, 2009

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A little tension can go a long way, if it’s twisted and turned properly. This week, when you and your baby reach a boiling point on a heated topic, it’ll have you thinking he’s a total twit, however, a completely hot twit. His passion and dedication will cast an aura of manliness you’ve never quite witnessed before … seems cause and effect won’t be quite so linear this week.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your prim and proper image won’t get you far, unless you are willing to show off your dirty dog underneath your white-glove etiquette. Send those dirty texts, those libidinous pictures and a few naughty presents, revealing that side to you that normally would only come out behind close doors. Showing off your sense of humor about sex now is your biggest turn-on and power play.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Remember, you’ve been screwed over enough times when someone has pitched love on an installment plan. The truth is the debt never gets paid and you are typically left with an overly idealistic hope for a miracle to save the day — giving more to compensate and wasting precious time all the while. Sure, it’d be beautiful if it ever worked out, but most of the time it doesn’t.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You have nothing to lose when it comes to playing the game of love. No matter how crazy you want to be, as long as you set the pace in the way you want, you will get that someone to follow. However, be fair when setting the speed, because as it goes, some people do need to build up their momentum to be able to keep up with you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

There is a fine line between being compassionate and being a sucker. If you wish to not fall prey to the latter, then you will have to toughen up your skin and realize that being stubborn isn’t rude or wrong, but just a fact of relationships, and the only way you will really be able to even the playing field. Not to say it’s about winning; it’s about truly being happy.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Information will be coming at you so fast and often that you won’t even have time to process it all. While it may feel good to go with the flow and make decisions at this pace, don’t. There is way more than meets the eye with this bout of instant gratification and, while you’ll want to say “yes,” understand reading the fine print won’t make you a buzz kill; it’ll make you one smart cookie.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Bolster your class and refinement, as a slew of bitchiness is coming your way from haters who can’t comprehend your congeniality or power. Keep your head held high, because you are in the right here to dole out the slicker condescension and to turn the moment out. Plus, it’ll be in your coldness that you will attract the hotter prospects too, ultimately sending those wenches down.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You never know where you will wind up day-to-day, and that is a beautiful thing. Go with the opportunities that pop up, even if some aren’t as pretty as you’d like. Taking one chance will lead you to another, and link you into a series of divine magic and messes that will make your life a living piece of art.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Intimacy is something you know how to do right, so don’t give up now when your boo needs you the most. When it comes to asking, he isn’t the best. While you don’t like having to revert to the “mommy” role, this time you’ll find your nurturing ways are like gold in his eyes. So help him make that leap of faith — the one who’ll ultimately reap the rewards is you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Live and laugh, and love whomever you want! This isn’t the time to get too concerned with boundaries and negotiations, as it is about partying with your body and just realizing that you do best without rules. Languishing in your freedom now will be the best thing you can do to remember that you have the power to make the choices you want.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your day-to-day routines change, but your mindset will still be rooted in the same place it ever was. This will force you into a time-out with yourself. You’ll want to reevaluate why you are so hard on others when it comes to intimacy and always wondering why effortless fairy tales that star you aren’t possible. Yes, flaws in your master plans will be blaringly obvious, as will the solutions.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Nobody can shake you now that you’ve made a decision. While you think that you’ve made a tough choice lately, when this week rolls around and you find yourself with new opportunities that can turn the tides, you might find that there are a few flexible bones in you that crave trouble more than you suspected. Last minute changes may just happen.

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