Dear Goat Thief,
Listen, I get it. There is nary a time when I watch a funny goat video or walk by the urban goat sanctuary by my house (I live in Portland) and don’t plot a way to steal the adorable goats and make them my pets. My eventual life goal is to have a herd of a thousand pygmy goats who all wear coordinating sweaters, and it can be frustrating that my current lifestyle does not allow for that. Stealing just one goat often seems like a quick fix for my sad, goat-less life.
Perhaps you felt the same way when you abducted a pygmy goat from a Montana petting zoo. The next part though, the part where you took said goat to a bar at 1:30 in the morning, that’s the part I don’t really understand. Keep reading »
A recent study of fruit bats found cunnilingus to be a major part of their repertoire. While following a colony of 420 bats roosting in a fig tree over the course of 13 months, researchers witnessed 57 incidences of sex — both oral and intercourse. The female bats who received oral sex before intercourse were found to last longer during copulation. Imagine that. Oh, the power of foreplay.
“Initially, males groomed their penises to go erect before approaching females. When they gently touched females with their wings, females typically moved away, and males followed. When the females stopped moving, the males started licking the females’ vaginas,” reports Live Science.
I have to stop because this bat porn is getting way erotic. All those wild roostings in the fig tree are making me blush. Male bats have officially earned their stripes as the most giving dudes in the animal kingdom.
Click through for some more animals who are known to be orally inclined. [Live Science]
Britain’s winters get chilly. What’s a newborn lamb to do? Augment your natural wool coat with a trendy neon sweater, obviously. [Buzzfeed]
If zoo animals were sartorialists, they’d something look like this. Yago Partal’s Zoo Portraits series imagines the fashion possibilities for every species. And now we know that ostriches look fetching in bowler hats. It must be their long necks. You can see more fashion forward zoo animals or buy prints here. [Laughing Squid]
The downside to getting laid, if there has to be a downside, is dealing with the aftermath. Once the guy has gone home, it’s just you and your vagina left to process the whole thing. This can become particularly panic-inducing if something’s itchy down there or if your period is late or days have gone by and you haven’t heard word one from him. This is when the beauty of the act gets tainted by extreme post-sex anxiety. Don’t let yourself spiral into a full-blown freakout. Really, it’s not worth losing your marbles over what is most likely a yeast infection. You’re going to be fine! Seriously! Everything is going to be OK! These animals have comforting words and friendly advice to help you with any sex-related freak out you might currently be experiencing.
While I was out in the Northwest, I visited the Portland Zoo and their new baby otter pup. While I was there, I discovered a new animal to bestow my love and affection on: The sun bear, a mythical creature that combines the best of the bear world, with the undeniable coolness of a sloth. The sun bear’s native habitat is Southeast Asia, but sadly, thanks to overpopulation and deforestation, the sun bear’s population has decreased by a third in the last 60 years, and they’re currently classified as an endangered species. And oh, you want to hear something horrifying? According to the Winton Foundation for the Welfare of Bears, “The bear is often boiled alive to be eaten as a delicacy at banquets. It is believed the bear’s fear tenderises the meat.” UGH. Don’t cook a sun bear alive. Don’t cook a sun bear at all.
There are more shots of the sun bear and his ginormous claws being adorable after the jump, but if you’d like to do something to help these guys, you can support Winton or the Save the Sun Bear Foundation. Keep reading »
A snake set a house on fire. Wait. Let me back up because that sounds like a snake is guilty of arson. And we all know that’s not possible because snakes don’t have arms. Except for that snake freak of nature that grew a hand and crawled across a woman’s wall. Claw Snake, you may be dead but you still haunt my dreams on a regular basis.
But the snake in this story did not have a claw. It was a regular snake minding its own business in a yard in Bowie County, TX. When the home owner saw this snake while cleaning up her yard, she freaked out, as any of us would, doused it in gasoline and set it on fire. Then the snake on fire, as any snake on fire would, tore through the yard catching brush aflame and eventually, the house on fire. The woman’s home was destroyed and a neighboring house incurred damages. And now, Fire Snake will take over as primary haunter of my dreams. [Uproxx]
Earlier this month, Lizzy, a seven-year-old corgi, got fired from a West End production of “The Audience” starring Helen Mirren after she failed to make her mark in “16 consecutive preview performance nights.” She was replaced by a younger rival named Coco. (The corgi, I mean, not Helen Mirren.)
This week, on the other side of the pond, another four-legged Broadway star got the axe. Keep reading »
Jessica sent me a link to an article about a trend in China where people dye their dog’s fur to look like another animal, probably thinking I would find it cute. But I don’t and let me tell you why. Okay, sure, I’ll start off by acknowledging that there is obviously something cute about a dog dyed to look like a panda or a tiger. But frankly, this is low hanging cute fruit. Sort of no duh, you know? So with the cuteness, lazy and absurd as it may be, acknowledged, I am here to speak up as an advocate for dogs everywhere: LET PUPS BE PUPS. Your dog is adorable as he or she is naturally and though I am not a dog psychologist, I can only assume physically altering your pooch’s appearance so he or she looks like an entirely different breed of animal is probably pretty bad for the pet-esteem. Do you really want your dog to think, “Mommy wishes I was a Bengal tiger” or “If only I was a real panda, Daddy would love me more”? Of course you don’t. So let’s make a pact on behalf of our pets to not partake in this trend. Deal? And thanks for hearing me out. [Global Post]