Now that the holidays are over, we’re expected to actually work on our New Year’s resolutions. Whatever they may be, the tabloids are here to help. Oh, you wanted to lose weight? Here are a bunch of celebrities in bikinis making you feel like a slob! Want to spend less time gossiping about people? Well, don’t worry; it’s perfectly innocent to read gossip about people, instead. And in case you wanted to save some money this year, we’ll save you $21.02 in weekly tabloid costs by hand-picking the most interesting stories, just for you!

Over the last ten years, we’ve watched our favorite celebs hook up, break up, break down, flip out and start over. With all of its love triangles, legal battles, family dramas and political scandals, the “Naughties” certainly earned its wicked name!

On the wintry N.Y.C. set of “Gossip Girl,” stars like Blake Lively and Leighton Meester get handed Uggs to keep warm in between shots. On the Manhattan set of “Salt,” (really, they’re still filming that thing?) Angelina Jolie gets draped in a mink Russian hat with a luxe cape. No word on whether or not PETA was lurking nearby. [N.Y.C., 12/28/09]

“I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards ... Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other ... The sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way. Then I can get so angry that I tear his shirt.”

—Angelina Jolie in Germany’s Das Neue magazine (which means the nuances of what she actually said may have gotten a lil’ lost in translation) [Telegraph.co.uk]

There are nine days until Christmas. I don’t know if you understand what that means in tabloid time, but I’m going to tell you anyway: There is going to be a huge push to make something significant happen in Hollywood. We’re talking love, people. In the next two weeks, major love will be happening in the tabloids, and maybe even in reality too. And because you maybe only care just enough to read this blog, we’ve read all the tabloids for you and compiled the SparkNotes-style version here. Live, learn, and love, people. And Happy Kwanznakkuhsmas!

Everyone knows who Brangelina is—the dynamic and altogether gorgeous Hollywood couple comprised of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt. But what’s behind the couple ... and is there a proverbial Oz—a man behind the curtain that is Brangelina? Ian Halperin examines this in his book Brangelina: The Untold Story of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, and PopEater is exclusively running an excerpt from the book that takes a look at the man credited with creating the supercouple’s image and reputation. Read more ...

Sculptor Daniel Edwards is on a serious Angelina Jolie kick. In August, he unveiled his sculpture of Angie breastfeeding on a park bench. And now he’s done this piece of Brad and Angelina getting it on. Sprinkled into the plaster are crushed wine glasses that the couple drank from on the anniversary of their meeting on the set of “Mr. and Mrs. Smith.” Some looney toons woman commissioned this sculpture to hang from the ceiling of her bedroom to bring her “sexual healing.” Good idea? [Dlisted]

• Angelina Jolie puts breakup rumors to rest in the new issue of OK! [OK! Magazine]
• It seems Sienna Miller and Jude Law are back together. [PopEater]

Even if you don’t give two figs about the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie triangulated love mess, we’re sure you’ll find a recent excerpt of the forthcoming book Brangelina dishy. Brad is a pothead! Jen had two miscarriages! Angelina has a horrible temper! And that’s not all ...

If you asked 20 random people to pick the world’s hottest man and woman to throw together in a movie, 18 of them would probably give you the same answer—Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Do not worry, folks, this pairing is in the works. It appears that the two will be teaming up for “The Tourist.” Angie has already signed on, and Johnny is expected to make it official shortly. And, thankfully, the Julian Fellowes-penned screenplay is chock-full of sex scenes. After the jump, the steamy scenes you can look forward to, excerpted courtesy of PopEater and Life & Style. Yes, this will sound like a bad harlequin romance novel.

Check out the new poster for Angelina Jolie‘s next high-octane, shoot-‘em-up-now-and-ask-questions-later blockbuster, “Salt,” in which The Thick-Lipped One plays a CIA agent who might really be a Russian spy. There’s also a trailer. You’ll have to wait until next July to find out who this Salt person really is, though.

Though they’re currently known for their huge brood and inhumanely good looks, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet again decided to change up everyone’s perceptions. Please meet Mr. and Mrs. Jolie-Pitt, jewelry designers. Yup, we’ve got another celebrity designer in the world, but this time it sort of makes sense. They’ve decided to create a capsule collection called The Protector for Asprey, all based on a snake. Angie’s known for her devotion to kids who are in less fortunate situations, so all net proceeds are going to the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict, which Angelina co-founded. “These are the children who most need a safe place to learn, a place to heal, a place to learn reconciliation, a place to build a better future and a place — to just be children,” said Angelina. “Yet the education for these children is often forgotten. Tens of millions of children and adolescents in conflict are not in school.”

Earlier today, we shared with you OK! magazine’s report that Angelina Jolie is adopting a seventh child, this time from Syria. Behind Brad Pitt‘s back. The story has yet to be confirmed and it sounds kinda far-fetched to me, but if it does turn out to be true, it’s interesting for two reasons. First, why does Angelina think she needs to adopt the whole world? And second, adopting a kid is something you absolutely, 100 percent completely need to have your spouse’s approval on before you go and do it. Similarly, on last night’s episode of “The Hills,” Spencer went to go get a vasectomy without telling Heidi. Luckily (or unluckily), he got scared off when the doc explained the procedure.

Here are 20 things you should discuss with your partner first.

Happy Hump Day! You’ve been working really hard all morning so it’s probably time for a break ... from reality. Tabloids are an important tool for participating in some healthy childhood make-believe. This week Angelina Jolie donned the covers of four tabloids, so let’s prepare for the inevitable showdown—who will win Brad’s heart? Only one way to find out! We’ve conveniently extracted those stories and more that you would have cared about if you were shameless enough to read tabloids yourself.

I love it when directors cast a role based on who will play it the best, regardless of gender. What am I talking? “Salt” is about a CIA agent who’s accused of being a spy and has to go underground and prove their innocence before being captured. Originally, the main character was slated to be a dude, played by Tom Cruise. But when that didn’t work out, instead of finding another guy, the filmmakers tapped Angelina Jolie for the role and rewrote it to make sense for a chick. Filming the action flick was dramatic—remember when Angie bumped her head and was sent to the hospital—so we are extremely excited to see the first trailer for the movie. It looks pretty awesome.

Even though Angelina Jolie has a career, six kids and spends her time saving the world and stuff, she still managed to make Maddox’s birthday cake this year, using Sandra Lee’s recipe from Semi-Homemade Cooking, which apparently consisted of buying a white sheet cake, putting a round white cake on top, surrounding it by cupcakes, and then decorating the lot of it. Now I feel like a total jerk for buying a Baskin Robbin’s cake with my face on it for all my friend’s birthdays. Oh wait, no I don’t—those were totally delicious. [People]

Angie might have kept it down-to-earth for her son’s big day, but most stars tend to get a little more extravagant.

It’s been a big week for rumors about Angelina Jolie‘s life, pre-Brad. First came the bombshell rumor from Andrew Morton’s tell-all book that when Angie was 16 she did the horizontal polka with her mom’s boyfriend. Next up came the revelation that of all the people in the world, Angelina once had her eye on Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie told Howard Stern that Angelina, back in the day, asked for her number and called a few times. “There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through,” she said. “I was a little afraid of her. She’s scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still.” [OK!]

Hmmm ... I’m just not sure whether to believe these two rumors. Then again, have you ever noticed that a large percentage of the whispering about Angelina sounds, well, a bit looney—as if she’s the stuff of sexual legends? Here’s a look at some of the most interesting rumors.