Even if you don’t give two figs about the Brad Pitt/Jennifer Aniston/Angelina Jolie triangulated love mess, we’re sure you’ll find a recent excerpt of the forthcoming book Brangelina dishy. Brad is a pothead! Jen had two miscarriages! Angelina has a horrible temper! And that’s not all ...

If you asked 20 random people to pick the world’s hottest man and woman to throw together in a movie, 18 of them would probably give you the same answer—Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp. Do not worry, folks, this pairing is in the works. It appears that the two will be teaming up for “The Tourist.” Angie has already signed on, and Johnny is expected to make it official shortly. And, thankfully, the Julian Fellowes-penned screenplay is chock-full of sex scenes. After the jump, the steamy scenes you can look forward to, excerpted courtesy of PopEater and Life & Style. Yes, this will sound like a bad harlequin romance novel.

Check out the new poster for Angelina Jolie‘s next high-octane, shoot-‘em-up-now-and-ask-questions-later blockbuster, “Salt,” in which The Thick-Lipped One plays a CIA agent who might really be a Russian spy. There’s also a trailer. You’ll have to wait until next July to find out who this Salt person really is, though.

Though they’re currently known for their huge brood and inhumanely good looks, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have yet again decided to change up everyone’s perceptions. Please meet Mr. and Mrs. Jolie-Pitt, jewelry designers. Yup, we’ve got another celebrity designer in the world, but this time it sort of makes sense. They’ve decided to create a capsule collection called The Protector for Asprey, all based on a snake. Angie’s known for her devotion to kids who are in less fortunate situations, so all net proceeds are going to the Education Partnership for Children of Conflict, which Angelina co-founded. “These are the children who most need a safe place to learn, a place to heal, a place to learn reconciliation, a place to build a better future and a place — to just be children,” said Angelina. “Yet the education for these children is often forgotten. Tens of millions of children and adolescents in conflict are not in school.”

Earlier today, we shared with you OK! magazine’s report that Angelina Jolie is adopting a seventh child, this time from Syria. Behind Brad Pitt‘s back. The story has yet to be confirmed and it sounds kinda far-fetched to me, but if it does turn out to be true, it’s interesting for two reasons. First, why does Angelina think she needs to adopt the whole world? And second, adopting a kid is something you absolutely, 100 percent completely need to have your spouse’s approval on before you go and do it. Similarly, on last night’s episode of “The Hills,” Spencer went to go get a vasectomy without telling Heidi. Luckily (or unluckily), he got scared off when the doc explained the procedure.

Here are 20 things you should discuss with your partner first.

Happy Hump Day! You’ve been working really hard all morning so it’s probably time for a break ... from reality. Tabloids are an important tool for participating in some healthy childhood make-believe. This week Angelina Jolie donned the covers of four tabloids, so let’s prepare for the inevitable showdown—who will win Brad’s heart? Only one way to find out! We’ve conveniently extracted those stories and more that you would have cared about if you were shameless enough to read tabloids yourself.

I love it when directors cast a role based on who will play it the best, regardless of gender. What am I talking? “Salt” is about a CIA agent who’s accused of being a spy and has to go underground and prove their innocence before being captured. Originally, the main character was slated to be a dude, played by Tom Cruise. But when that didn’t work out, instead of finding another guy, the filmmakers tapped Angelina Jolie for the role and rewrote it to make sense for a chick. Filming the action flick was dramatic—remember when Angie bumped her head and was sent to the hospital—so we are extremely excited to see the first trailer for the movie. It looks pretty awesome.

Even though Angelina Jolie has a career, six kids and spends her time saving the world and stuff, she still managed to make Maddox’s birthday cake this year, using Sandra Lee’s recipe from Semi-Homemade Cooking, which apparently consisted of buying a white sheet cake, putting a round white cake on top, surrounding it by cupcakes, and then decorating the lot of it. Now I feel like a total jerk for buying a Baskin Robbin’s cake with my face on it for all my friend’s birthdays. Oh wait, no I don’t—those were totally delicious. [People]

Angie might have kept it down-to-earth for her son’s big day, but most stars tend to get a little more extravagant.

It’s been a big week for rumors about Angelina Jolie‘s life, pre-Brad. First came the bombshell rumor from Andrew Morton’s tell-all book that when Angie was 16 she did the horizontal polka with her mom’s boyfriend. Next up came the revelation that of all the people in the world, Angelina once had her eye on Rosie O’Donnell. Rosie told Howard Stern that Angelina, back in the day, asked for her number and called a few times. “There was a tentative plan to have dinner that never came through,” she said. “I was a little afraid of her. She’s scary in a sexual kind of way. I have dreams about her a lot still.” [OK!]

Hmmm ... I’m just not sure whether to believe these two rumors. Then again, have you ever noticed that a large percentage of the whispering about Angelina sounds, well, a bit looney—as if she’s the stuff of sexual legends? Here’s a look at some of the most interesting rumors.

In a new tell-all biography of Angelina Jolie, author Andrew Morton says that as a 16-year-old, Angelina bedded her mother’s boyfriend. According to the book, Jolie’s mother, Marcheline Bertrand, ended her relationship with the man when she found out, but the U.K.‘s NOW magazine says that she and Angelina “struggled for years to repair their damaged relationship.” Does this remind anyone else of the late-‘90s “General Hospital” storyline involving Carly Roberts and her estranged mother Bobbie Spencer? Anyway, Bertrand died a few years ago and Jolie has always made it seem like the two were extremely close, even naming her youngest daughter Vivienne Marcheline. According to the tabloid, Jolie’s brother, James, just found out about the decades-old affair and is, like, super pissed at his big sis. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say that if this story is true and Jolie did bone her mom’s boyfriend—when she was underage, by the way—I think it’s likely her mom forgave her pretty quickly, given the far deeper issues Jolie has admitted to struggling with as a teen. [ONTD]

Most think of Gucci and see interlocking G’s, horsebit hobo bags, or that red and green stripe. But there’s an entire sordid past of the Gucci family, which Tom Ford and Frida Giannini have nothing to do with – and it’s not about design. In 1995, the heir to the Gucci throne, Maurizio Gucci, had his life cut short when he was brutally shot. Behind the murder? Apparently, his wife Patrizia Reggiani set the plot for his early death. While she faced 29 years in prison, the hired assassin earned a life sentence for the murder and Patrizia’s psychic, who contacted the killer, was sent to jail for 25 years.

Sounds like a movie, no? Well, Fox 2000 thinks so, and Angelina Jolie has been approached to play the distressed wife. As for Maurizio? Leonardo DiCaprio is the first choice, but we’ll have to wait to see if that works out. Either way, a Gucci drama will be a welcome addition to the influx of fashion films on movie billboards these days. [Variety]

Seen so rarely that we sometimes think they might have been just a figment of our imagination, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s twins, Knox and Vivienne, were photographed with their parents in Amman, Jordan this weekend. [Twitter via DListed]

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are reportedly donezo. Though nothing has been officially confirmed and the couple was seen together earlier this week, it would be a slightly shocking breakup, mostly for the alleged claim that Rihanna is JT’s other woman. After three years of on-again, off-again for Jessica and Justin, all it took was some sightings with the feisty singer to launch a truckload of rumors. [Terra] Though they might not be over IRL, it reminded us of some other shocking celebrity breakups!

Nerve.com recently interviewed Spencer Pratt and learned the reality TV “star” has a lot sex and relationship advice to dole out. When asked what Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie could learn from his successful relationship, he replied:

I think that since their relationship was founded on infidelity, their structure, their foundation is always going to be impossible. She’s always going to be thinking, “Wait. You already did this to Jen. Are you gonna do this to me?” Thank God I don’t live that life, because I don’t see how you can keep that marriage together. Personally, if I got together with my wife after cheating on my last wife, I’d definitely think my wife is a shady little hussy who could be cheating on me any time.

Spencer Pratt is a way better man than Brad Pitt, see, because instead of basing his marriage on infidelity, he’s based it on inauthenticity and an appalling lack of depth. [via Nerve]

If the weekly tabs aren’t accusing Angie and Brad of breaking up, the rumors are that they’re expecting. This week, the buzz is that Angelina’s showing signs she might be pregnant. The evidence? At the Inglourious Basterds premiere in L.A. on Monday night, her arms didn’t look like the sticks they normally do! Also, she was “bubbly, fun and ... nice.” When is Angelina ever nice? When she’s pregnant, duh! Despite looking nothing but trim in a sexy, black leather dress — a typical old-school Angie getup — she sent tongues a-wagging when she skipped the champagne while Brad enjoyed his beer all night.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie put on their tough personas for the “Inglourious Basterds” premiere. We really love Angelina’s leather tube dress because we just can’t get enough of dresses with pockets. And Brad looks sexy, as usual. [LA, 8/10/09]

Of all her physical traits, Angelina Jolie’s skin may not be the feature women would kill for first, but I’m sure it’s certainly high on the list (what do you think — lips #1, boobs #2, then hair, then skin?). If rumors are to be believed, Angelina’s radiance isn’t completely all natural and she has this odd torture-device-looking contraption to thank for keeping her complexion glowing. The “dermaroller” is covered in tiny spikes and when rolled over the skin it leaves thousands of pin pricks that stimulate “the repair process, boosting collagen production, which makes skin appear radiant, young and firm.” Sounds painful, but for a heavily tattooed movie star whose past includes an obsession with knives, it’s not a stretch to imagine her using a beauty device that hurts a little. Perhaps Angelina uses the Leaf and Rusher Tx Roller, which costs $118, and “claims to open up the skin’s layers, allowing products to penetrate up to 400 times more effectively.” [via DailyMail]

“I have love in my life, a soul mate—absolutely. When someone asked me why Angie and I don’t get married, I replied, ‘Maybe we’ll get married when it’s legal for everyone else.’ I stand by that, although I took a lot of flak for saying it—hate mail from religious groups. I believe everyone should have the same rights. They say gay marriage ruins families and hurts kids. Well, I’ve had the privilege of seeing my gay friends being parents and watching their kids grow up in a loving environment.”

“[The grotto behind the waterfall behind his L.A. house] is a great place for having sex.”

—Brad Pitt in Parade [DListed]

Controversial celebrity sculptor Daniel Edwards has unveiled his latest work: a park-bench-sized statue of Angelina Jolie in the nude, double breastfeeding her twins. This artistic work of public indecency (she’s not wearing pants!) is called “Landmark for Breastfeeding” and was inspired by Jolie’s cover photograph on W magazine last year. Edwards decided that, in order to encourage more women to breastfeed and to raise global awareness of public nursing, he would depict one twin as African-American and the other as not, since that could totally happen in the real world. Beginning September 11, at Mainsite Contemporary Art Museum in Norman, Oklahoma, the piece will be on display, before it’s whisked off to an exhibition in London. [Capla Kesting Fine Art]

Though extremely odd, this is far from the strangest piece of art Daniel Edwards has sculpted. After the jump, how Edwards’ other celebrity pieces stack up to this latest magnum opus.