Men look at sex the way dogs look at bacon: The object is to get as much as possible in any form or by any means before our inevitable deaths.

Some of the more inventive people in our society have come up with a variety of sex acts intended to improve the pleasure of sex. But messing around with sex is like trying to improve the taste of bacon; you can try, but, ultimately, bacon is just good. Some sex simply sounds much better on paper than it turns out to be, often leaving guys wishing they’d just gone with some basic intercourse instead.

Here’s a look at a few sex acts that guys are convinced would be awesome, but in real life turn out to be pretty disappointing.

What do you do when a girlie finally takes you home and you accidentally stick it in the wrong hole? Call Scott Baio. As this hilarious music video proves, Charles will get in charge of you and your loved one’s no-no factory. Although, now that we know he loves anal, we kinda get why Scott Baio was 45 and single. [WOW Report]

Barbara Walters is having a very educational week. Sexually, we mean. Last week Margaret Cho visited “The View” and gave Barbara a lesson on the G-spot. Then, over the weekend, Barbara saw “Bruno” and learned more than she cared to about anal and giving oral sex. I saw “Bruno” this weekend as well and was shocked to see a man in his, I swear, 90’s, sitting front row and center. I was concerned he would have a heart attack. Anyhoo, check out Babs’ disgust in the clip above. [via Jezebel]

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

This week, I got a letter from a lady looking for tips on how to toss her man’s salad aka analingus or rimming. Yes, I know, it’s always lunchtime somewhere. Anyway, no matter what you call it there’s one way to do it. So, I’m going to help her perfect her tushie-tonguing technique.  As for the rest of you, keep those letters coming!  You know I love to read your smut too! To send me a question or suggest a topic for a future “Doin’ It With Dr. V,” email me! Now, here’s her letter…

Finally. I thought I’d answer one of the big questions I’ve been asked over and over again, the question you ladies are dying to know the answer to. Are you ready?

We want anal sex because if we ask you if we can, and you say yes, even begrudgingly, then that is awesome. I don’t even know if the majority of guys even like anal sex, but that you’d say “yes” to such a dirty, unladylike request is what makes it oh-so-worthwhile.

We here at The Frisky live for celeb gossip, chocolate, and your comments. What can we say, you bitches crack us up! So in honor of you, our smart, sexy, and incisive readers, who aren’t afraid to talk smack on the Internet, we’re giving away prizes!  Each week well award five of you an awesome internet chatty Cathy’s a little something special.  This weeks winner’s will receive the classic flapper handbook, Live Alone And Like It! So, without further adieu, here are the lucky winners of this week’s Commenter’s Ball…

According to Amelia, anal sex is one of the things men love that women just don’t understand. Well, guys love the booty and they love doin’ the butt even more than chicken wings, gadgets, and boobies combined! While Dr. V has been teaching all of us how to have anal sex, not everyone is down for that kind of lesson. Now I don’t want to seem uptight, I know it’s perfectly safe and, in some cases, really effective. But personally, I’ve already been schooled in anal and although I flunked the final exam, I refuse to retake the class again, if you know what I mean.  So, here’s how I’ve gotten out of doing that kind of homework over the years with my “7 Excuses To Get Out Of Anal Sex”:

1. Birth Defect: This one is my infallible favorite.  How’s he going to question a medical problem in your tush? Most guys won’t ask for all the gory details because it sounds like a whole mess of TMI. Although, if you’re dating a doctor, you may want to go with options #2 through #7 (especially #6).

Anal sex is on the rise amongst teenagers. Not so coincidentally, so are STDs, specifically HIV/AIDS, among 13-29 year-olds. According to ABC News, teens just don’t find sex and its kinks as taboo as previous generations—which we suppose is sort of good news. It’s important for teenagers to have a healthy relationship with their sexuality and to not feel shame about their urges. But the bad news is, with a lack of sexual education, they’re being stupid about how they do it.  Since teens aren’t worried about pregnancy when they’re going through the back door, they often don’t use condoms. There are life-changing risks involved, especially with anal sex, where the walls of the rectum tear easily—just ask our own Dr. V. So, as we tackle sexual taboos as a society, we have to be responsible enough to teach the next generation what we know. 

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

According to the CDC, anal sex is on the rise! Back in grungy 1992, about 25% of straight men and 20% of women said they’d had their tush pushed. Then in 2005, that number of heterosexuals jumped to nearly 40% of men and 35% of women. Of course, back in the 1940s, notable sex scientist, Alfred Kinsey, claimed nearly 40% of peeps were doin’ the butt. Well, opinions are like a**holes—we’ve all got one. After the jump, everything you could ever possibly want to know about anal sex.

Did you guys ever read the book The Washingtonienne? I didn’t, because I listened to the book on tape. Anyway, The Washingtonienne was a book based on the anonymous blog written by Washington, D.C. political aide, Jessica Cutler a few years back, which detailed her sexual exploits with various high-powered political types (lots of times for money and gifts), including a state Representative or something. Anyway, it was slutty and juicy and had lots of sex in it, including anal. So yeah! HBO has green-lit a pilot! Produced by Sarah Jessica Parker! Which means it will totally be a DC-based Sex And The City rip-off only with more butt sex. Can’t wait. [Variety and Amazon]

“If you’re dating a guy, right away. If you’re dating girl, I think you’ll know pretty quick if she’s into that. If they’re not bringing it up, it’s not something on their agenda. That’s just realistic. My boxing coach Dirty Phi says, ‘If you stick your pinkie in there, and then another finger, and then another, and she responds happily, then it’s cool.’”—The Hills’ Spencer Pratt on when to bring up the subject of anal sex with your boyfriend or girlfriend.

I will forever associate my virginity with toads. No, this is no allusion to fairy tales, no delusions of princess-like grandeur.  To my grave disappointment, at no point during my epic virginity-losing did the pimply faced amphibian straddling me morph into a dashing prince. The reason I associate my deflowering with toads is because instead of a Bon Jovi ballad or a sweet Sarah McLachlan serenade, I lost my virginity to the unlikely ribbits of toads.Namely those in that famous Budweiser commercial – you know, BUD. WEIS. ER.

Romance, bitches, is not dead.

My boyfriend and I have decided to try anal, but I’ve heard it’s good to sort of ‘warm up’ first. Are there tricks to getting myself relaxed enough? I’ve heard porn stars have enemas or stop eating a day before. Do I have to go to all that trouble? What if it comes up more spontaneously?—Back Door Betty, Santa Clara, CA

Here’s a little tip about porn stars. The enema and no eating a day before anal is, I imagine, like a method actor preparing for a role. Did you hear how Tom Hanks prepared for his role in Cast Away? He literally starved himself for weeks at a time so he could actually feel like he was stranded on a deserted island. For porn stars, their butt IS that island. Yours isn’t, so don’t get so freaked out.