Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but the world is coming to an end. Bitch all you want about greenhouse gases and a sloppy economy, but we have a far more telling sign to share: Vogue editor-at-large André Leon Talley has signed on for three seasons of “America’s Next Top Model,” taking Miss J’s spot on the judging panel. (He’ll be returning to the runway to make young girls from Iowa feel terrible about their inability to walk well in seven-inch heels.) If a high-up Vogue staffer getting in bed with a reality TV show in its 13th season is not a sign of an imminent and fiery end, then we really don’t know what is. Oh, wait, we do: Anna Wintour actually claims she’s OK with Talley’s decision to pimp himself—and, by extension, the Vogue brand—out to TV’s most played-out reality show.

Fashion insiders (and savvy reality TV watchers) know that for all the delish ridiculosity that is “America’s Next Top Model,” most of these girls are never gonna make it in the real world of high fashion modeling. Ever notice how the winners are a far cry from your Sashas and Karlies and Stams of the actual fashion runways? Yeah, this is a make-believe-for-TV model sandwich. However, last season’s winner—the, ahem, slightly petite Nicole Fox, who some of you may remember as the “slow talker” from the shorty season—just broke through the chains that bind them! Alexander McQueen just chose her to be the face of his spring/summer 2011 collection, making her the first “ANTM” alum to land an international campaign and, well, to do some real-life, serious modeling. Judging from the latest McQueen ads involving lots of reptiles, he’ll come up with a challenge that makes Tyra’s antics look downright tame. [Houston Chronicle]

And there she is, folks. The winner of “America’s Next Top Model” cycle 13, aka, the shorty season. In last night’s episode, red-headed space case Nicole—who, uh, loves motorcycles and thrill-seeking?—beat out sweet-as-humble-pie Laura, the bull-castrater from Kentucky. Far too many times in this season, Tyra declared that something was happening, “for the first time in ‘Top Model’ history,” as if that were eons and eons. The twist for the finale—instead of three girls doing the Cover Girl photo shoot and commercial, only two made it through to the last episode. I would have questioned this decision since it doesn’t lend itself to maximum drama, except that these were actually my two favorite girls from the season—Nicole, amusing since she perpetually seemed like she had taken too much ritalin, and Laura, adorable showing up to judging in clothes sewed by her grandma.

It’s a big, big week for season finales, folks. First, see the toodle-oo to cycle 13 of “America’s Next Top Model,” i.e., the shorty season. Next, find out who’s in and who’s out with the conclusion of “Project Runway.” And finally, get ready for the culmination of the “Seinfeld” reunion on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” But don’t be sad. You know what they say ... every new beginning comes from another beginning’s end.

Back when former supermodel Paulina Porizkova was ousted from her position as judge on “America’s Next Top Model,” we gave you our dream replacement list that included Naomi Campbell, Agyness Deyn, and Kate Moss. Never did we imagine that Kimora Lee Simmons would return to the show as a permanent judge after leaving the first season. And I was all ready to report that my favorite supermodel-turned-mogul was going to out-fierce Tyra Banks on her own show, but, sadly, the CW is denying this report. Something needs to happen, though, to save this sinking ship, which had its worst ratings during Cycle 13. Find out the other bizarre rumor after the jump.

Anyone who’s seen Miss J Alexander in an episode of “America’s Next Top Model” won’t soon forget the man-diva’s swagger and unusual style. Whether pantsless in stilettos or rocking a hair bow bigger than his head, the boy’s got a look. And now you can read about his childhood, his son, and his tips on how to live with the poise of a supermodel, even if you’re not six feet tall and 12 pounds, in his new book, Follow the Model. [Modelinia]

If you ask us, anyone who attached bottle caps to the bottoms of his Converse on his first job interview (to give them that special stiletto heel sound) is worth at least a quick read. Plus, the writing is actually legit in a light, fun way (first chapter here), the cover image makes us literally giggle aloud, and he’s got a pompadour to rival Simcha’s. So yeah, grab a copy to peruse and then use as a rather cute coffee table adornment.

“Runway diva coach extraordinaire,” Miss J. Alexander, who is promoting his book Follow the Model, was on “The Tyra Show” yesterday and gave what was actually a totally refreshing and interesting interview. I was surprised, frankly, because Miss J plays such a caricature on “America’s Next Top Model,” and I didn’t expect to see him drop the flamboyant antics in favor of getting real. He revealed to the audience that he’s a father to a young boy, who was conceived after he and his ex-boyfriend both donated sperm to a female friend who wanted to have a child. While his sperm didn’t take (the ex’s sperm did), he’s very involved in young Alex’s life. It was fabulous to get a glimpse into the real Miss J.

Oh, “America’s Next Top Model,” how we wish you were still a good show! Too bad two more people are about to be dragged down by this show. A CW source has revealed that Eddie Murphy (as if he could get any lower after denying he fathered Scary Spice’s baby) will appear alongside Tyra Banks and the other judges during the final fashion show, which will feature designs from Julie Clancy. He won’t be there to judge but rather to cheer on his daughter Bria Murphy, who will walk the runway with the remaining contestants. Bria is following in the footsteps of her mother Nicole Murphy with this career choice. [E! Online]

ET Online has posted photos from tonight’s (?) episode of “America’s Next Top Model” in which Tyra has the models, uh, transform to look biracial, which means many of them pose with blackface. So hot right now! Of course, if Tyra were writing this post, she would be quick to remind us that she was ahead of the curve—in Cycle 4, which aired in 2005, the models dressed up as mothers of other races and there was some blackface then too. Check out a few more images, after the jump. [ET Online]

Well, last night’s episode of “America’s Next Top Model” will safely go down in history as the most over-the-top, ridiculous, and BEST EVER. Why? Because Tyra, after 13 cycles of preachin’ it, finally taught the models—and US!—how to “smile with your eyes.” “Smeyesing,” as TyTy calls it, is actually very simple. All you have to do is squint a little, stick your chin out and make your neck long, and then think of something delicious! That sounds easy enough. Watch the clip above and then click through the slideshow to see the Frisky staffers demonstrating the difference between staring and smeyesing. Guess whether they’re smeyesing on the right or the left—answers will be on the last slide!

Brittany “Bre” Scullark, an “America’s Next Top Model” Cycle Five semi-finalist, was arrested in NYC yesterday for disorderly conduct. She argued with a woman in a Starbucks who claimed Bre had taken her laptop and wouldn’t give it back. Bre claims she wasn’t trying to steal the woman’s laptop. She thought it belonged to a relative who was with her. When the woman asked for it back, Bre became rowdy and spewed a string of expletives and insults, insisting the laptop belonged to her family member. The police were called, and she was taken into custody and issued a summons. Bre will go before a judge at a later date, but this isn’t the first time she’s over-reacted. You may remember the time she poured out another model’s Red Bull because she suspected her of eating her food, during her cycle of “ANTM.” Sadly, Bre isn’t the only “Top Model” with bad manners. In July, we learned Caridee English is a complete slob even when she’s subletting. [TMZ]

Maybe it’s that I was drinking—no, chugging—the Fashion’s Night Out Kool-Aid the other night, but, gotta say, getting out and about and shopping felt pretty damn good, though not in a “I’m slapping down my credit card” way. Anyways, I wasn’t the only one who turned up at H&M’s Herald Square store. Miss J. Alexander of “America’s Next Top Model” also attended. But he (or if you ask some of Miss J. superfans, whom I had the pleasure of meeting in the “ANTM” trenches—“she”) had more on her night’s agenda than just riffling through the racks for the perfect, red winter coat. (Though there were loads of people on line for the cash register with armloads of clothes!) Miss J. was giving runway strutting lessons. Man, did people just eat it up. The line to get some catwalking tips was—I kid you not—out the door and down the street. It was madness—sheer lunacy!

So how do you rock your thang down a runway? After the jump, a bunch of tips from the catwalk vet—and a few photos of her doing what she does best.

There’s always at least one crazy (in addition to Tyra) on each season cycle of “America’s Next Top Model” and if you watched last night’s premiere, you know that person for cycle 13 was Amber. Amber was doing “ANTM” for Jesus. Yes, Jesus. Jesus wanted her to be on a CW modeling show to help people, or something. And she was so sincere about it! Unfortunately, though she made it to the Top 14, Amber mysteriously had to drop out of the show for “personal reasons” which means we’re depending on Tyra, and only Tyra, to bring the crazy this season. Sigh. Relive Amber’s brief moment in the spotlight, above. 

Na na na na na na. Wanna be on top? Tonight is the premiere of “America’s Next Top Model” cycle 13, featuring only models under the height of 5’7. Will Kate Moss be the new supermodel judge? Will any of the models have a blood fetish and/or mental illness? Who will bite it in the first photo shoot? What ridiculous things will Tyra say? I’ll be here, giving you minute-by-minute commentary tonight at 8 p.m. Chime in with your two cents in the comments section.

Tyra Banks likes herself. Like really, really, really likes herself. I once saw an episode of “The Tyra Show” where she was interviewing a 12-year-old girl. “I heard you were really excited to be here. Can you tell everyone why?” The girl just sat there, a little shy. “I heard you were my number one fan,” continued Tyra, putting all kinds of self-congratulatory words in the girl’s mouth. If you haven’t noticed, this is a big theme on both “America’s Next Top Model” and Tyra’s talk show. From incessantly demonstrating how to smile with her eyes to revealing the utter mundanity of her life, Tyra never misses an opportunity to make things all about her. Sure the purported missions of her shows are to “help people,” but if you look closely, everything Tyra does is a platform for her favorite subject … herself. So, in honor of the premiere of “America’s Next Top Model” tonight, here’s a look at her 10 most cringe-worthy, egomaniacal moments, starting with a clip from the last “America’s Next Top Model” premiere. I’m not even making this quote up: “I am the Goddess of Fierce,” says Tyra, surrounded by an entourage of faux Roman soldiers. “I have been the Goddess of Fierce for 2,752.7 years and and I am tired. So I am looking for my successor.”

Alright, people. Get your couch cushions fluffed, your pillows prepared, and set a stack of menus by your phone, because you’ll want to call in delivery. This is one of the biggest TV weeks of the year, with oodles of new shows and season premieres of the ones that already have their crafty hooks in us. From “Melrose Place” to “Glee” to “The Vampire Diaries,” here are the shows that have us giddily waiting for prime time.

Warning: Tyra Banks is listening. A few weeks ago, after Solange Knowles buzzed her hair, we wondered if the recession was killing the weave, and suggested that Ms. Smile With Her Eyes get rid of hers, too. And apparently, she is! Here’s what she Twittered yesterday:

“Guess What! I’m rockin’ my REAL hair on my talk show September 8th. No fake hair at all! Will be the hair coming out of my scalp! 4 all 2 C!”

“No ponytails, no ballet bun head. hair will be out and free! i have had every color weave in the book. even KOOL-AID red!!!”

[People]

Wanna be on top? Well, these girls certainly do. The CW has released the names and photos of the 14 women who’ll be competing in cycle 13 of “America’s Next Top Model.” At this point, the show has gotten pretty formulaic. We know there’ll be a makeover episode where pounds of mascara will be washed away by tears. We know Tyra will demonstrate to the ladies how to smile with their eyes. We know that some fool will be late back to home base after the go-see challenge. But Tyra is shaking things up a bit this season on her super-popular vanity project modeling show. Only women who are between 5’2” and 5’7” were allowed to audition. In other words, they’re shorties, which is semi-revolutionary, since the fashion industry usually turns their back on anyone under 5’9”. Another big change? Paulina Porizkova won’t be sitting on the judge’s panel. Perhaps Kate Moss will be her replacement?

If you’re an avid “ANTM” fan like me, then of course you remember the seemingly sweet and likable Cycle 7 winner, Caridee English. I was sympathetic toward her after she revealed her childhood struggle with eczema, and I totally rejoiced when she beat that annoying, know-it-all Melrose. (I can almost hear her awful voice ringing in my ears, “I was so skinny as a child that I had to learn to make my own clothes!”) That’s why I was floored when I found out that Caridee might be America’s Next Top SLOB. An anonymous New Yorker recently outed her, claiming that she sublet her apartment to English and her boyfriend via Craigslist. When she moved back in after a couple of weeks, this unsuspecting victim found her apartment looking like a cross between a sorority house and a mental institution. Now that’s a reality show I’d like to see: “Reality TV Sublets Gone Wrong.” After the jump, the disgusting details of Caridee’s alleged trail of destruction. [Gawker]