According to the New York Post, Fox head honchos have finally figured out who they want to replace Simon Cowell on “American Idol.” Supposedly, their top pick is Howard Stern, whose contract with Sirius satellite radio is up next January. “It’s one of the few shows that could compete with Stern’s $100 million-a-year Sirius contract, and ‘Idol’ bosses think he’d be even nastier than Simon,” a source told the paper. “They know he would be great TV and would clash with the other judges such as Ellen DeGeneres and the contestants. ‘Idol’ will do what it takes to sign him.” [NY Post]

I, for one, think this is a horrendous idea. Let me tell you why.

With Paula Abdul gone, we thought there would be peace and harmony on the “American Idol” judging panel. But alas, no. Basically, it seems like whoever occupies the fourth chair pisses someone off. On Tuesday night at the Los Angeles auditions, Kara DioGuardi and guest judge Katy Perry looked close to stabbing each other with pencils. When Kara began singing “I kissed a dolphin/ and I liked it,” Katy snapped back, “Please stop, or I will have to throw my Coke in your face.”

If you like the “American Idol” classic “Pants On The Ground,” you’ll love the totally ‘90s “Pockets On The Floor!” Hmm, on second thought, they sound pretty much identical. This begs the question, is 62-year-old contestant Larry “General” Platt the Vanilla Ice of “Idol”? Or, is this more of a which came first, the chicken or the baller, situation? [I’m Not Obsessed via WOW Report]

This is Angela Martin, and there’s no one I’m rooting for more on “American Idol.” This is her third year auditioning. The first time around, she made it to Hollywood—except that tragedy struck a week before when her father was murdered. The next year, she had to leave auditions for a court date for a traffic violation. This year, she got a unanimous vote through to Hollywood. But now another horrible thing has happened. The day after Christmas, Angela’s mom never showed up at her sister’s house. She’s been missing ever since, though her car was found in a wooded area of a Chicago suburb. This is Angela’s last year of eligibility for “Idol,” so she’s pushing through and competing anyway. “The mothers, the other contestants, everyone has really, really held me up,” she says. “Music heals my soul and it heals my heart and I tell everyone, I have a Band-Aid on my heart right now.” We hope her mom is found—alive. And that she makes it far in the competition. [People]

Let me preface this by saying that I am a longtime “American Idol” fan. As a former singer and performer, nothing is more exhilarating than watching other people compete and either knock it out of the park or bomb big-time. Perhaps the most compelling part of the “Idol” journey is the audition process. Not only is it entertaining, but also every person alive (whether talented or untalented) can relate to that moment of waiting to fulfill a dream: to perform on Broadway, score the winning basket, get married, land that job. The feeling is universal. But am I surprised that the Daily Beast is calling the “Idol” audition process “a myth?” Not really. Because isn’t the entire show “a myth”?

On Wednesday night, Simon Cowell confirmed reports that he’s going to crank out a single in order to help raise money for victims of the Haiti earthquake. Simon is such a celeb that even Prime Minister Gordon Brown is encouraging him to do the project. The “American Idol” judge is hoping to get ‘er done in about two days and he’s already recruited “X Factor” judge Cheryl Cole to help him out. There is a lot of speculation about who else is going to sign on. But the rumor mill is churning and we’ve heard whispers about Beyoncé and Lady Gaga making appearances. Others are thinking he’ll get Leona Lewis or Susan Boyle. Who would you like to see in his version of “We are the World”? [MTV]

If you think the audition episodes for “American Idol” are a waste of time and not worth watching, you obviously missed out on some of the best three minutes of television last night when 62-year-old “General” Larry Platt sang his original song “Pants on the Ground” at the Atlanta auditions. Go ahead and give it a listen — I dare you not to sing along! [via YouTube]

Welcome all, to “American Idol” season nine. Will this season be the death rattle of “Idol” or a spectacular rebirth?  It’s the first season after Paula-gate and the last season before Simon quits. For the auditions shows, Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas, Neil Patrick Harris, and Katy Perry are stepping in as guest judges—all leading up to Ellen DeGeneres taking Paula’s abandoned chair. We are all on pins and needles waiting to find out if the new mix of judges will be pitch-perfect or pure cacophony. Last night the show premiered in Beantown with the usual mix of talentless freakazoids, manipulative human-interest contestants, and the Hollywood-bound few. Eh … if you’ve seen auditions once, you’ve seen them all. But I was less interested in the contestants and more interested in the bobblehead known as Posh Spice, who said judging “Idol” was a “dream come true.” The producers tried to edit Posh to be the kind and compassionate guest judge, but all I saw was weird robot bug eyes and a blank stare. Especially with that crazy headscarf on. Did anyone else notice how she just repeated whatever the other judges said? Plus, she swiveled in her chair the whole time. She must have been too hungry and self-absorbed to come up with original critiques.

“Apparently, there’s a lot of debate going on right now whether I’m qualified or not to be the new judge on ‘American Idol’ ... I’ll tell you right now, how I know I’m going to be a great judge ... I’ve spent my whole life being judged. So I know what it’s like. So I will be kind. I will be compassionate. I will be empathetic, and I will be truthful. I will be an honest judge without being mean. But the things that people are saying…I thought America had moved past this. First, we have the first African American President.  We’ve sworn in our first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice. I think ‘American Idol’ is ready for their first blonde judge ... I do.”

— Openly gay Ellen DeGeneres discussing her newest job on her talk show yesterday [via US Weekly]

Last night, VH1 held their annual “Divas” concert, featuring Kelly Clarkson, Miley Cyrus, and Jordin Sparks, even though attaching the label “diva” to these gals is questionable. During the show, which coincidentally took place at the Brooklyn Academy of Music right down the road from my apartment, host Paula Abdul made a funny. She dressed up as Ellen DeGeneres, who’s replacing her as a judge on “American Idol” this season, and imitated her dopest dance moves, grooving her way over to a replica of Ellen’s set. “Why y’all staring at me? Can’t a girl try out a new job?” she said. “All kidding aside—nothing but love Ellen. And I wish you the best of luck on the new gig. And you gotta call me if you have any Simon problems because, well, I know him best.”

I hope everyone is as psyched as I am about Ellen DeGeneres being crowned the new “American Idol” judge. Finally, someone funny on the panel who’ll do way more than pour effusive love over contestants or mercilessly mock them! Sure, I’ll miss Paula’s psychotic behavior, but instead of laughing at Paula, I’ll be laughing with Ellen. I think it’s safe to say that she’ll steal all of Simon, Kara, and Randy’s thunder.

We know Ellen likes to dance, but what does she know about music? A lot, apparently. Here are Ellen’s 10 best musical moments, which prove that she is extremely “Idol”-ready. Like in this clip, where she learns about harmony while Christmas caroling with Britney Spears.

Fox has jut announced that they’ve found a replacement for Paula Abdul on “American Idol.” The new judge who will be sitting alongside Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Kara DioGuardi? Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen released this statement:

“I’m thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I’ve watched since the beginning, and I’ve always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I’ll save from not having to text in my vote. Hopefully I’m the people’s point of view because I’m just like you. I sit at home and I watch it. … I’m not looking at it in a critical way from the producer’s mind. I’m looking at it as a person who is going to buy the music and is going to relate to that person. I’m going to have a day job and a night job. The times we’re living in ... we’re all doing that.”

So, Fox managed to find someone with greater STAR QUALITY than Abdul, but Ellen also has less—and it hurts to say this—of a musical background. So what do we think of this news? Will it make the show as entertaining? [DListed]

You may have heard that rabid fans of “American Idol” runner-up Adam Lambert have taken to throwing sex toys at the singer when he’s on stage. It started out as the usual bras and panties. Then, things got kinky. Handcuffs. Whips. Dildos. You name it; they pummel him with it. At first, Lambert said, it was “exciting,” but when he almost got hit in the head with a bra, he wasn’t so sure. Judging by what he does when a phallus lands on stage in this video, I’m guessing he’s really over it.

“American Idol” and Paula Abdul are stringing us along in a wicked game of will-they-or-won’t-they, and our hearts can take it no longer. Just when we were trying to move on after the Paula-“Idol” breakup and were getting kind of excited over the fact that Posh Spice, Katy Perry, Mary J. Blige, Shania Twain, and Joe Jonas would be stepping in to guest judge the “Idol” auditions, Paula’s dropped a bomb. She and “Idol” aren’t completely finished, and she may run back to the show after all. Paula, don’t mess with our hearts like that!

“American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is getting a huge raise. A year ago, he made a measly $36 million per season. Now, according to People, he’ll be taking home $45 mill a year. We find this particularly interesting because, as the New York Times reported today, one of the reasons Paula Abdul left “Idol”—besides resenting the fact that the network brought on Kara DioGuardi to be a second female judge and that her co-workers didn’t stand up for her during the drug-abuse allegations—was that they wouldn’t give her a raise from $3.5 million a year to $10 million a year. While Paula looks at other options, this got us thinking: How much do our favorite female television personalities make? And how do they stack up to Sir Simon’s mega paycheck?

• Over many seasons of “American Idol,” contestants and viewers alike became familiar with the sometimes incoherent ramblings of Paula Abdul. Now that she’s decided to leave the show, producers have come up with a creative solution on how to replace her. Contestants auditioning for the next season of “American Idol” will not only have to get over stage fright, but they’ll need to stop themselves from being starstruck. For the auditions, Paula will be replaced by a rotating cadre of actual celebrities, a new star in each of the seven cities. Yesterday, we found out Victoria Beckham would be one of the guest judges. Now Katy Perry is in. Producers are scrambling to find five more. [E! Online]

Poor, poor Paula Abdul. Her time with “American Idol” has been over for barely 24 hours and the media could not wait to move on. The big announcement that Posh Spice will be making a guest-judge appearance is completely overshadowing the sadness of the Abdul-“Idol” split. I can’t help but give into the media frenzy and be super excited about Posh’s appearance, since it’s going to be totally awesome. Alas, it’s only temporary—for a single show. So I wonder, Who are they going to replace Paula with permanently? I guess there’s the chance that the judging panel will shrink down to three with Kara DioGuardi being the only lady in the pack. But I want someone new! Here’s who I think would make snug fits on the “American Idol” season nine judging panel.

Paula Abdul announced she would not be returning to “American Idol” via her Twitter last night. But… but… who is going to supply the contestants with tacky HSN jewelry and pearls of non-wisdom? [via DListed]

Remember when we told you Kate Moss was officially in cahoots with Simon Cowell and Philip Green to start a fashion and entertainment mega-company? Well, they aren’t wasting any time getting started on that whole world-domination thing. According to the UK’s The Mirror, Miss Moss and Cowell will sit on a panel of experts in the search to discover the next super-group like Coldplay or Oasis. Sort of like Diddy’s “Making The Band” crossed with “Britain’s Got Talent.” I wonder who Kate will be? Simon’s got the hard-ass personality covered. I can’t picture her playing the Randy role—she’s not big or totally lovable. We’ll find out soon enough: the show is expected to be launched in the US, and the Brits will get a spinoff following. Huh. Kate on TV? I’m not sure I can picture it, especially because not that long ago, she was caught with a mound of coke on film, not to mention the fact that we’ve heard her speak very little over the years. Kind of exciting though, no? [The Mirror]

• An arrest has been made regarding the death of “American Idol” contestant Alexis Cohen. Daniel Bark, 23, has been charged with death by reckless driving. [TMZ]
• Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up. And then he cried about it during a performance. [Starpulse] – I can’t say I’m too upset – the fact that they look like identical twins kind of creeps me out.