What’s the kindest thing you can do for someone who’s getting married? Keep your mouth shut. I know that sounds harsh, but it’s true. If you’re asked for advice? Give it, judiciously. If you’re not? Please, please, please for the love of cummerbunds, hold your tongue. That goes for anyone, whether we’re talking parents of the happy couple or third cousins or that drunk dude at the bar.
When Patrick and I planned our wedding, which I will always remember fondly as being one of the most stressful times in my life, we were blessed with hands-off families and beer-in-hand friends who took their roles as sounding boards very seriously. The strangers, really, were the ones who gave us the most grief — the guy at the pub who wanted to know when we were having kids, the florist who couldn’t imagine a world without corsages, the saleswoman who told me I wouldn’t feel like a princess in a tea-length wedding dress.
What I wish I’d had then, and what I’m giving y’all now, is a handy list of phrases to keep in your back pocket for those moments when you’re so floored by a suggestion or bit of (bad) advice that you’re tempted to take it just to shut someone up. They’re all wedding-focused, of course, but I like to think they’ll work for anyone on the receiving end of a busybody’s interest. Keep reading »
My name is Amelia and I am a Candy Crush Saga addict. After months of getting invitations to play on Facebook, I finally succumbed to curiosity. Dear God, WHY. I haven’t been this addicted to a game since I entered rehab for my joint Mine Sweeper and Pipe Dream addictions over a decade ago! I close my eyes and I see the Candy Crush playing field. Candy Crush combos infiltrate my dream life. If you guys ever learn that I’ve actually paid for lives or boosters, I hereby give you permission to confiscate my credit card, iPhone and laptop. But luckily this addiction to Candy Crush has not been without its rewards — I have learned a number of vital life lessons simply by playing this game for hours on end. I hope that by sharing them with you, I have made the emotional suffering Candy Crush has caused somehow worthwhile. Keep reading »
Rebecca Martinson, modern study in leaning in and sorority girl extraordinaire, has penned an advice column for BroBible called “A Guide To Getting A Guy To Text You The Morning After,” and surprise! It’s full of really solid advice! Rebecca’s like that friend we all have or definitely need — one who gives stringent, bracing advice that leaves you at first clutching your pearls but then nodding your head in agreement. Perhaps this kind of advice is a form of female pickup artistry; these instructions, once you strip away the aggressive, Regina George-ness of it all, are pretty good. The whole thing is kind of a gem. Let’s unpack this.
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I love a bargain as much as the next thrifty gal, but sample sales are one of my personal nightmares, somewhere between being trapped in a room full of writhing snakes and living in a world where “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” is the only song I hear for the rest of my life. I’ve been to a few in my day, but I feel they bring out the worst in women, and I lack the steely determination to shop til I drop like the hordes of lunch-break Lindas, clutching armfuls of floaty tops and discount sandals. Conceptually, it makes sense. Clothes are expensive, nice clothes more so. I’m just not one for willfully putting myself into situations where I have to degrade myself fighting over a bathing suit bottom or the last dress in my size.
Perhaps I’ve only had bad experiences, and that’s why I’m so down on the sample sale. Along with the office trip to Pinkberry and the collective mani on the lunch break, sample sales are representative of the icky part of being a woman. I have nothing against shared experiences, and I love frozen yogurt, manicures and discount clothing. It’s just something about the atmosphere inside these things that gives me hives. They are overwhelming, they are crowded, and women who are normally lovely and pleasant people turn into crazed bargain hunters, pushing each other aside and getting grabby over things that don’t really matter. The entire time I’m in there, I’m thinking about this bit from “The Nutty Professor, and it’s not a good look. The experience got much better once I figured out the right way to do it. The opportunity to snap up nice things at a fair price is alluring, so when a sample sale comes to town, be ready with these tips to get the most out of your sample sale experience.
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In the movie “Singles,” -—and this sticks with Ami because she first saw it at the age of 14, so it made a big impression — Janet Livermore (played by Bridget Fonda) gives a monologue about where she thought she’d be by the age of 23. She laments:
“I’m 23. Remember how old 23 seemed when you were little? I mean, I thought people would be traveling in airlocks and I would have 5 kids. Here I am – 23 – things are, um, basically the same. I think time is running out to do something bizarre. Somewhere around 25 bizarre becomes immature.”
And where was Janet at the tender age of 23? Working in a coffee shop, having an unrequited crush on her musician neighbor without any clue as to what she wanted to do with her life. Exactly what a 23-year-old should be doing, in our opinion. Pretty much exactly what both of us were doing! Ami made note of this monologue, telling herself, Learn from Janet Livermore and don’t expect to be married with kids by the age of 23, expect to start reproducing around the age of 28 because that’s when your mom had you. Also, you’ll be a famous actress by 25, so you’ll have plenty of money to raise your kids either alone or with your husband who can be a stay-at-home-dad. Keep reading »
2013, motherfuckers. Yeah! LET’S DO THIS.
“Do what?” you ask. I DON’T KNOW. LET’S FIGURE THAT OUT TOGETHER, MOTHERFUCKERS.
Feel free to stop reading this if your career is going great, you’re thrilled with your life and you’re happy with your relationships. Enjoy the rest of your day, friend, this article is not for you. You’re doing a great job, we’re all proud of you. So you don’t feel like you wasted your click, here’s a picture of Lenny Kravitz wearing a gigantic scarf.
For the rest of you, I want you to try something: Name five impressive things about yourself. Write them down or just shout them out loud to the room. But here’s the catch — you’re not allowed to list anything you are (i.e., I’m a nice guy, I’m honest), but instead can only list things that you do (i.e., I just won a national chess tournament, I make the best chili in Massachusetts). If you found that difficult, well, this is for you, and you are going to fucking hate hearing it. My only defense is that this is what I wish somebody had said to me around 1995 or so. Read more…
We’re always running to our moms for advice and wise words, but you know what? Despite their mysterious, often silent presences, our dads possess loads of wisdom too. We rounded up some of our most pressing existential queries and asked our dads to give us their takes. First, let’s meet the dads:
- Megan’s dad DAVID raised two lovely, relatively capable daughters by himself. When he’s not consulting on corporate training, he spends his days reading quietly, misplacing his glasses and going for contemplative swims in the lake.
- Julie’s dad STU is a retired nuclear engineer, which yes, makes him basically Homer Simpson. He enjoys gardening, sitting by the pool and offending Red Sox fans.
- Ami’s dad ZAC is the most intellectual jock from Brooklyn you’ll ever meet. A former college basketball player turned successful business man, enjoys taking the dog to Starbucks and spending time with his wife and two kids. He can still dunk.
- Jessica’s dad RUSSELL is a retired father of five and grandfather of four, who lives, feeds the dog, and mows the lawn in suburban Connecticut. He emails Jess regularly to tell her funny jokes he heard on “Red Eye” and is really into being a Republican.
- Winona’s dad DON is a retired monkey wrangler who lives in rural Oregon, and is on an endless quest to find the world’s best chocolate malt.
What they had to say surprised us. Check out their answers to our most crucial queries after the jump. Keep reading »
Winona was raised pseudo-Catholic and I was raised Jewish, which means we understand the feeling of guilt intimately. Mostly, we feel it all the time about pretty much everything. And we were wondering, what would be able to accomplish in life if we weren’t constantly paddling in an Olympic-sized swimming pool of guilt? Existentially speaking, we think a small amount of guilt is healthy to keep one’s moral and ethical standards in check. But the amount we wade through on a daily basis about something as stupid as the dishes in the sink is just a waste of energy. Guilt literally exhausts you, weighs you down and holds you back. It keeps you focused on the past or the future instead of the present. It keeps you in a state of anxiety instead of a state of peace. And worst of all, it makes you second guess yourself. One minute you’re feeling guilty about paying the cable bill late and the next thing you know, the guilt has shapeshifted into you thinking you are a bad person.
That’s ridiculous! Guilt, we are done with you! Goodbye, guilt. GOODBYE. Below is a list of things we’ve vowed to stop feeling guilty about RIGHT NOW. Keep reading »
Meet our friend Tom. He’s a married guy with tons of relationship experience, and a skilled advice giver who’s here to answer all your pressing sex, dating and relationship questions. Have a query for Tom? Email it to firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll make sure he gets it! All questions will be posted anonymously, unless otherwise requested. First up…
I just started a new relationship, and my boyfriend is bugging me to get a ‘Brazilian.’ Should I?
And let’s call it what it is: a bald vagina. Keep reading »
My dad can shoot the shit for hours with strangers at Starbucks about pretty much any topic. Why blonde roast is better than French roast. He can have a full on conversation with the TV screen during a basketball game. Why the hell did you do that, you idiot?! He can even carry on a convo with the dog. Does Jackson want a W-A-L-K? But sometimes I call on the phone hoping to talk about my latest existential crisis and our conversation consists of: Hi honey. How are you? Here’s your mother. Keep reading »