If there are a million ways to do something wrong, there should be at least a few ways to do a thing right. In this series, Janet and Emily tackle your questions from two different perspectives. The result, we hope, is two right answers.
Janet is a stone-cold rationalist, baker, and monotreme from Australia. Her boobs played the field briefly before marrying themselves off to a skier-dude. Emily is from the Midwest, and is a single, straight, agnostic, whiskey-drinking softball player who’d love to use her Pinterest wedding board before all the pics go out of style. Both Janet and Emily are writers and comedians in New York.
I live with my Mom and Dad (still), so every time my boyfriend and I have sex we do it at my boyfriend’s house. Well, he lives with roommates and always seems to initiate sex when there are other people around. The walls are thin, so he is trying to be discreet, but it has become really obvious when we are having sex because he plays music loudly to drown out any noise. On the one hand, I like music to get in the mood. But it’s also weird to me that people will hear it and know it’s the “special” music — like will they associate Chris Isaac with nookie because it broadcast the fact we were getting busy in the next room? I am not embarrassed about sex, but I would like a little more discretion for everyone involved. – Not Looking For An Audience Keep reading »
So you’ve finally found The One (or at least The One For The Foreseeable Future) and you’ve committed to a serious relationship. Now what? In our weekly column, Life After Dating, women discuss the unique joys and challenges of coupledom.
One of the sad, strange realities about being a couple is that no matter how committed you are to getting along, you will find yourselves fighting about the most seemingly insignificant things. Trust us, even people in the most evolved and tranquil relationships bicker about dirty socks not making it into the hamper. And although they are hard-pressed to admit it, they once had a full-on blowout about the “slightly judgmental tone” one of them used to talk about the other’s best friend. On the surface, conflicts like this might seem trivial and meaningless. But what if that dumb fight isn’t so dumb after all? What if, in the midst of yelling at each other about the way one of you flosses your teeth too frequently (or not often enough), you pause and realize this isn’t really about flossing technique at all, it’s actually about control issues you inherited from your mother? Yikes. Here are some examples of common dumb fights and what they might actually be about… Keep reading »
Hello, I’m Gwen Kansen and I have Asperger’s Syndrome.
I repeat myself a lot. If a room is crowded I try to get out immediately. It takes me longer than most people to do pretty much everything because I make slow transitions. But I’m fun at dive bars. I used to manage a vintage clothing store. You might not notice I’m weird right away.
Chances are you know a few people on the spectrum. We may not tell you because autism isn’t the sexiest mental problem out there, especially when compared to more easily romanticized mental illnesses like bipolar disorder. Here are few things you should know about us autistic folks: Keep reading »
Cliches. They drove your 10th English teacher crazy. But I would say they have lasted as long as they have for a reason— lots of them are true! Wisdom can actually be very simple. Below are some cliches that have stood the test of time and are actually great life advice in disguise. I feel cheesy even writing some of this stuff, but bear with me: they’re worth remembering sometimes! Keep reading »
Is there anything funnier (sad-funny, I mean) than bigots who are completely incredulous about the fact that they are bigots? They are so unwilling to admit it. They usually have some other excuse — which only makes sense to them — about “disagreeing with lifestyle choices,” “some of my best friends are ___,” “sexism/racism/homophobia doesn’t really exist” or “love the sinner, hate the sin.” The moral/intellectual contortions are truly something to behold.
A perfect example would Unhappy In Tampa, a woman who wrote to the advice columnist Dear Abby to complain about how their not-asshole neighbors are now socially excluding Unhappy In Tampa and her husband. Oh no! That is horrible! Why would these mean neighbors do such a thing? Because Unhappy In Tampa and her husband refused to invite their gay and lesbian neighbors to their parties:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I relocated to Florida a little over a year ago and were quickly welcomed into our new neighbors’ social whirl. Two couples in the neighborhood are gay — one male, one female. While they are nice enough, my husband and I did not include them when it was our turn to host because we do not approve of their lifestyle choices. Since then, we have been excluded from neighborhood gatherings, and someone even suggested that we are bigots! Keep reading »
Last weekend, I went skiing for the first time in over 10 years. To say I was nervous and excited would be an understatement; in the days leading up to my trip, I couldn’t help but worry about breaking a limb or, I don’t know, being crushed by an avalanche.
Thankfully, the friends who came along with me were much more experienced than I (like, pro level) and promised I’d be in good hands. Their teaching method? Throwing me in the trenches headfirst. They taught me how to stop and start using my skis, and that was about it – off to the chairlift we went. No ski school, no detailed lessons. Had I thought about what was happening I probably would have objected, but I blindly went along until I realized halfway up the lift that this was not the normal path for a beginner. But this was how they had learned, they explained, that putting yourself in the thick of it was the fastest way to get off the ground, and that they’d be nearby there the whole time. (By the way, PSA time, I am not saying you lovely readers should learn this way — it’s pretty risky!) Keep reading »
January seems to be the worst time of year for realizing how screwed up your life is. Everyone is talking about resolutions. You’re recovering from all the money you spent on the holidays. Taxes are coming up. It’s the month your parole gets repeatedly denied. It’s the month that says, “Here’s a shitload of enormous problems. Oh, yeah, and here’s a grocery list of crap you need to change about yourself, because the rest of the year you are an overindulgent, self-destructive child.”
Big change — the type you have to make in order to pull yourself out of a turd landslide — is different. It’s scary and requires a hundred times more work than just regular living. Digging yourself out of a hole isn’t about survival … it’s about pulling ahead. In doing that, there are some basics that, in my experience, have to happen. Or at the very least, they make the shoveling a whole lot less brutal. Read more on Cracked…
Have you been on the magic carpet ride this month? All the hectic Christmas and Hanukah rituals are over for this year, and in the wake of all the festivities I am reminded of what’s really important in my life—my cherished relationships. Sometimes as I race from one activity to the next, I can forget to how to breathe deeply. How about you? Are you so focused on your daily commitments and busy schedules that you forget to breathe out … fully? To let … go? Learn how to decrease stress on Your Tango…
2013 was a year of enormous personal upheaval for me. I met my life partner and married him just five months later at City Hall. I lost a friend to suicide. I distanced myself from people who weren’t proving themselves to be interested in the caliber of friendship that I want to invest in. I made huge strides in standing up for myself and not taking other people’s bullshit — a lot of which had to do with the wedding.
Most of the changes that occurred were ultimately good for me. At least, that’s how I choose to look at them. All of the changes, though, required me to get out of my comfort zone in order to figure out what was right for me. I’ve always been a risktaker, but this year felt especially poignant. Keep reading »
How’s this for a nightmare scenario: a friend is over and suddenly thrusts a beautifully-wrapped gift in your face and you had no idea she was expecting to exchange presents. Or your family agreed to just give presents to the children this year, but your showoff-y sister just arrived with handmade DIY presents for everybody. Quick, it’s time to take a peek around the house for last-minute things you can re-gift! Keep reading »