• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are suing a British tabloid for reporting that they’d split up. [Us Weekly]
• Did Reggie Bush feel upstaged by Kim Kardashian after the Super Bowl? [Media Takeout]
• Taylor Swift says she wants a “tall and funny” boyfriend after breaking up with Taylor Lautner. [Starpulse]

• Friends of Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt claim the rumors of a split were caused by the couple seeking to cement their relationship with a pre-nup agreement. [Starpulse]
• Brittany Murphy‘s husband, Simon Monjack, says he has plans to file a wrongful death suit against Warner Bros. for firing the late star from the “Happy Feet” sequel. [PopEater]
• The government owes Britney Spears and Kevin Federline $50,000 from when they were married. Who will step forward to claim the money? [TMZ]

They’re both small-boned, don’t eat much—and tend to have a tough time with monogamy.

This week we can’t get enough of the idea that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt might be on the rocks after Angie’s alleged affair on the set of her new movie, “Salt.” Meanwhile, science has named the Saltmarsh Sparrow the world’s most promiscuous bird.

Coincidence? We think not. Read more ...

To commemorate the third anniversary of their mother’s death, Angelina Jolie and her brother James released this tribute to Marcheline Bertrand on YouTube. The video consists of footage from the threesome’s family trip to Hawaii in 1981 and is very simple and sweet. Were it not for the all-caps headlines all over this week’s tabloids, I might have forgotten the other reason Jolie has been in the news… [via TMZ]

With conflicting reports circulating saying that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are split, and then denials claiming they’re still together also coming from all angles, it can be very confusing. In the hopes of clearing up any Brangelina-based fog, we reached out to author Ian Halperin, whose recent book Brangelina predicted the demise of the supercouple and went into the inner-workings of their lives. Halperin says he’s confirmed the couple have indeed split, and even predicts how the drama will unfold in the media over the next few weeks. Read more ...

So, it isn’t Hump Day, but this blind item just can’t wait until then.

All the talk this week will be about Goat and Pillow, but as they weren’t married, this is just a breakup and division of assets, both live and inanimate. Far more complex and interesting is the ongoing saga of Chip and Grin, who are now living completely apart with a new agreement signed and sealed. She has the kid/s full time, which was a major triumph for her. Where did she get so much leverage? She found out that her marriage isn’t valid in the US and that Grin is planning on abetting a criminal pal (and alleged lover) of his out of the country and into a private love shack.

While the characters are obvious (Brad, Angelina, Tom, and Katie), the gossip—if true, which, who knows?—is juicy. [Blind Gossip]

• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt haven’t broken up, despite numerous reports to the contrary. [Starpulse]
• Sienna Miller is selling her London house so she can move in with former fiancé Jude Law. [Daily Mail]
• Prince Harry has moved into girlfriend Chelsy Davy’s apartment, but only for the weekends. [Telegraph.co.uk]

Everyone calm down! Us Weekly has consulted the “experts,” and they have concluded that despite the fact that her parents dress her like a little boy, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt will probably not have serious gender identity issues. PHEW. That was a close one.

Poor Jennifer Aniston. Though I’m firmly on Team Angie (I’m sorry, but I can’t suffer through any more of your crappy rom-coms, Jen), I do feel kinda bad about the following: In scrutinizing her Golden Globes dress, a couple of press members have observed that major thigh-baring gowns are an Angelina Jolie red carpet staple, and Aniston has clearly copied her!

“Chalk it up to monkey-see, monkey do, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery or a subtle message from Jen to Angie that ‘anything you can do I can do better.’”

Oh crikey. Can’t a girl just wear a dang dress? To add insult to sartorial injury, others have not-so-subtly called her fat. [New York Daily News ]

Aid groups from around the world are working tirelessly—racing against the clock—to rescue survivors, provide medical relief, food, and water after a 7.0 magnitude earthquake hit Haiti on Tuesday. It is still unclear what the death toll will be (it’s estimated that it could be hundreds of thousands) or how severe the damage is, but reports and horrifying images from the ground indicate major destruction and chaos everywhere. Obama promised $100 million in immediate relief and even deployed 3,500 US Army members to assist, our most heroic relief effort since the tsunami in Indonesia. But communication is still limited and people are still searching for loved ones, like “Heroes” cast member and Haitian native Jimmy Jean-Louis. He is trying to find his parents after he learned that the house he grew up in collapsed, killing several relatives. So sad.

To help, many celebs have stepped up to offer big bucks for the cause.

Now that the holidays are over, we’re expected to actually work on our New Year’s resolutions. Whatever they may be, the tabloids are here to help. Oh, you wanted to lose weight? Here are a bunch of celebrities in bikinis making you feel like a slob! Want to spend less time gossiping about people? Well, don’t worry; it’s perfectly innocent to read gossip about people, instead. And in case you wanted to save some money this year, we’ll save you $21.02 in weekly tabloid costs by hand-picking the most interesting stories, just for you!

Over the last ten years, we’ve watched our favorite celebs hook up, break up, break down, flip out and start over. With all of its love triangles, legal battles, family dramas and political scandals, the “Naughties” certainly earned its wicked name!

On the wintry N.Y.C. set of “Gossip Girl,” stars like Blake Lively and Leighton Meester get handed Uggs to keep warm in between shots. On the Manhattan set of “Salt,” (really, they’re still filming that thing?) Angelina Jolie gets draped in a mink Russian hat with a luxe cape. No word on whether or not PETA was lurking nearby. [N.Y.C., 12/28/09]

“I doubt that fidelity is absolutely essential for a relationship. It’s worse to leave your partner and talk badly about him afterwards ... Neither Brad nor I have ever claimed that living together means to be chained together. We make sure that we never restrict each other ... The sparks fly at home if the nice Brad fails to see that he’s wrong and reacts in a defiant way. Then I can get so angry that I tear his shirt.”

—Angelina Jolie in Germany’s Das Neue magazine (which means the nuances of what she actually said may have gotten a lil’ lost in translation) [Telegraph.co.uk]

There are nine days until Christmas. I don’t know if you understand what that means in tabloid time, but I’m going to tell you anyway: There is going to be a huge push to make something significant happen in Hollywood. We’re talking love, people. In the next two weeks, major love will be happening in the tabloids, and maybe even in reality too. And because you maybe only care just enough to read this blog, we’ve read all the tabloids for you and compiled the SparkNotes-style version here. Live, learn, and love, people. And Happy Kwanznakkuhsmas!