Emergency services are there for you to call when you’re short on Kool-Aid and weed, or to bitch about your mom, or, in the case of an unnamed British guy in West Midlands, England, to complain that the prostitute you’ve hired isn’t attractive enough. The guy called the British equivalent of 911 and told the dispatcher that the prostitute he’d hired was unattractive. And to make matters worse, after he’d told her that and refused to pay her, she took his keys and threw them at him.
The emergency dispatcher’s recording includes the man explaining that the prostitute “got her knickers in a twist” over his insults. “She mis-described and misrepresented herself totally,” said the man. “She was angry––she thinks I owe her a living or something.” Hmm, we’ll marinate on that one for a minute. Keep reading »
Dear Jarvis Sutton,
Are you my soulmate? I think you might be, because it’s pretty clear you appreciate Kool-Aid almost as much as I do. I love the Kool-Aid man so much, especially when he comes crashing through a wall screaming his signature catch phrase, “Oh yeah!” in his creepy smoker’s voice.
Or maybe there’s another reason you dialed 911 eighty times to request a home delivery of Kool-Aid, hamburgers and weed. When St. Petersburg, Florida, police arrested you for misusing the 911 system, you were apparently so hungry that you tried eating the foam attached to the metal cage in the back of the police car. I understand that you are still in jail at the moment, unable to make the $150 bond. I would bail you out, but I was planning on using that money for a mammoth Kool-Aid run at Costco, so… Keep reading »
On this day each year, I’m supposed to be remembering the thousands of lives lost as the Twin Towers collapsed 11 years ago. I do, of course, commemorate the innocent men and women (and children) who both passed away and risked their own lives to save others.
But to me, September 11 is also a day of gratitude and inspiration. My father realized — as he was running to Battery Park six blocks away from the Towers, face mask attached to his ears and debris raining down—that life is too short, too precious, to not be living it to the absolute fullest. In our family, living life to the fullest, I soon found out, meant saying goodbye to our charming lifestyle in Connecticut and flying over 3,000 miles, across the “pond,” to a little island of four-leaf clovers and major downpour. Keep reading »
Outside of New York City, “The Today Show” chose not to air the 9/11 “moment of silence” at 8:46 a.m. this morning, the time when the first hijacked airplane hit the World Trade Center — in favor of … wait for it … an interview with Kris Jenner. The “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” momager gabbed about her breast implants and debuted a bikini pic of herself on a magazine while other morning shows like “Good Morning America” aired footage from observations at Ground Zero and the White House. So, so, wrong. I am grateful “Today” at least showed the moment of silence for us New Yorkers, and as well as other coverage of WTC tributes. But that programming gaffe is disrespectful to survivors and loved ones of the deceased and it’s beyond embarrassing news judgment-wise. Damn, NBC, are you just writing “The Daily Show”‘s content for them now?! [Huffington Post]
Dear Mark Welch,
I would like to start by saying that even if no one else does, I believe you. I’ve had that happen to me before — where I woke up and the same stuff that I dreamed happened to me in real life. I was in college, around you age, when it happened. It’s was really freaky. I thought I was losing my mind. Granted, I wasn’t smoking synthetic pot before bed (I was smoking real pot) nor did I call 911 to report the incident, but I can understand why you did. I don’t think you were trying to be cute or funny. You were scared. Keep reading »