One thing I learned before I got married is that nobody loves to talk about weddings more than women who just got married. They’ll grab on to any socially acceptable opportunity to relive their experiences. Now, I’m one of those women who’s full of tips on how to get through your wedding day. One day, maybe you can pass a few of these dos and don’ts on to the next girl when you go to blab about your wedding.

Before my husband and I could have a Catholic wedding, we had to attend Pre-Cana. It’s like Driver’s Ed. for engaged Catholic couples. In theory, it’s a great idea. Couples are counseled en masse on a wide-range of topics, including compatibility and conflict resolution within marriage, the theological meaning of marriage, and Catholic rules couples might like to follow (like those regarding birth control). But we weren’t too excited about the prospect of our Pre-Cana.

I was pissed when my uncle announced at our rehearsal dinner, “You know you’re taking your honeymoon during hurricane season, right?” Well, duh! But it was my honeymoon, which meant that everything was destined to be perfect. Unless a certain relative opened up his yap and jinxed it all. Which is exactly what happened. That’s right, I’m blaming Uncle John, not seasonal weather systems moving through the Caribbean, for Hurricane Omar ruining my honeymoon.

There are plenty of perks to getting married: the attention, the made-for-you gown, the whole life-partner thing. But the presents are pretty sweet, too. Registering for gifts can seem like more fun than an adult female should legally be allowed to enjoy. Basically, it’s like catalog shopping, only there’s a good chance someone will buy the items that you dreamily dog-ear. Plus, with those little UPC-code readers and the Interweb, it couldn’t be easier. But beware: The gift registry is a source of hidden stress and trauma. So before you go apes*** in the home department of Bloomingdales, there are some wedding registry traps to be on the lookout for:

There was one point during my wedding-planning process that I was afraid I was losing my mind and becoming what I feared and hated most—the bridezilla.

Egads! Jessica “Washingtonienne” Cutler, the former congressional staffer who blogged about her DC sex-for-money frolics with various political appointees, is engaged. Now 30, Cutler plans to marry Manhattan lawyer Charles Rubio. (He looks, um, nice?) Since Wonkette‘s Ana Marie Cox exposed the identity of the once anonymous sex blogger, Cutler wrote a book, got sued by an ex-lover, declared bankruptcy, and is having her torrid tale turned into an HBO series by none other than Sarah Jessica Parker. (“Sex and the City” meets “The West Wing”?) So how did the lovebirds, who plan to wed next month in a city hall ceremony, meet? “Randomly in a bar,” she reveals. “I was so wasted,” she adds. “I wish I had a more romantic story to tell you!” Us, too, Jessica. Us, too. [Gawker]

If you thought that Bridezillas we’re bats%&t crazy, just wait until you hear how the average engaged woman feels about doin’ it before she says “I do!” According to the New York Post, a whopping 53% of brides-to-be won’t have sex with their future spouse for at least a month before their wedding. Forty-two-percent said they have also put a stop to any hanky-panky. Seriously?! Ladies, it’s not like you’re going to get your hymen to grow back in time to wear the white dress.  You’ve already tried his family jewels on for size.  Why should you deny yourself passion during these highly romantic/stressful times? Give it up, turn it loose! No wonder brides are always so up tight about floral arrangements and grooms go nuts at their bachelor parties! Come to think of it, I guess now I know what the “something blue” refers to. [NY Post]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 2 ½ years and at the risk of sounding gag-arrific, I’ve really never been happier. Not only do we love each other, but we actually like each other a lot, too — two things I’ve learned don’t always go hand in hand. We have tons in common, have a great time together, always make each other laugh, and never run out of stuff to talk about. Among some of our topics of conversations are: vacation plans, buying a place in Brooklyn, having kids (when, why, and what to name them), and whether, when we’re old and gray, we’ll be like the senior couples we see in the park sometimes who hold hands on the bench and swap sections of the Sunday New York Times. One of the topics that doesn’t crop up in our conversations very much, despite everything else we discuss, is marriage, something it seems like a lot of people — my family, especially — can’t seem to understand.

The next best thing to having your own wedding is getting invited to one by your boyfriend. There’s something about a man who wants you on his arm at a celebration of love—with the added lubricant of an open bar. So when my boyfriend Mike asked me to be his date to his friend’s big day, I was so excited I nearly went into debt over a pricey cheese plate present and a new dress with matching lingerie—not that I planned on keeping it all on that night.

Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi just tied the knot last weekend officially making gay marriage trendhunter worthy. But according to Professor John Boswell, the former chairman of the history department at Yale University, gay marriage is an old-fashioned institution getting a new page in the history books. The Ivy League teacher has done extensive research on homosexuality throughout the ages and discovered that early Christians, including the Pope, were so cool with same-sex committed relationships, they even adorned their churches with frescoes of sweet man love.  A painting found at St. Catherine’s Monastery in Mt. Sinai, Israel, depicts two early Christian Saints, St. Sergius and St. Bacchus, getting married back in the 4th Century, with Jesus as the best man. Accounts of their sainthood, up through the 10th Century New Testament, openly united and acknowledged them as “lovers.”  But they’re just the tip of the gay Christian iceberg!

Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am! Sometimes sex is best when its quick, because lord knows we’ve got things to do besides you. Sex can be short and sweet when you’re on-the-go, so long as you are set up for a rip roaring time. But where and how can you get a Big O swifter than a Big Mac?

Don’t Change That Dial Accost him when the TV show he’s watching hits commercial, and challenge him to get off before the break ends.

Call in for Delivery Afternoon delights turn lunchtime into dessert. Set up an impromptu meeting to take advantage of your man and your mid-day break.

Astronauts like to experiment. And recently there’s been push at NASA to start researching sex without gravity—everything from pregnancy to the pill’s potency to the effects of effing with low blood pressure. Now, you can’t tell me that astronauts haven’t at least played with their own equipment, but with a three year mission to Mars on the horizon, they’re going to need to get some deeper satisfaction. After all, like George Michael says, “Sex is natural, sex is good.” So, with life in mind, the agency is considering running tests to make it even better by trying it in a frictionless environment. (Bonus! No need to pack a few years supply of lube.) Plus, I’m sure if all those top scientist conduct “research” we will at least see some interesting ozone-proof titanium sex toys, which may prove to be useful here on earth with global warming and all. Clearly, this is a worthy study for the space race! Especially since you will soon be able to tie the knot in a rocket ship, it’s time to make the thousand mile high club possible. [Gizmodo] [Look, the space shuttles are doing it doggy-style! HAHA!—Editor]

Apparently Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are not too over to freak on the dance floor. [People, 5/21/08]

While making plans for the weekend, don’t forget to think about how you’ll celebrate Jenna Bush’s nuptials. Residents of Crawford, TX, where the wedding will take place, are really getting into it despite the fact that few, if any, of the town’s residents have been invited. One gift shop plans to serve punch and cake this weekend, a couple stores are selling coffee mugs commemorating the event, and an angel statue that overlooks the main intersection in Crawford will wear a veil and carry a bouquet on Saturday. Even Bush protesters are taking the day off: “You don’t blame the children for the sins of their parents,” said Carl Rising-Moore, who has protested during every Bush visit here the past several years. “I don’t want to spoil her day.” Aww, sweet. [AP]

Previously: Bridesmaid Dresses Don’t Have To Be Fugs

Guests were told to wear ivory to Jay-Z and Beyonce’s wedding on Friday (that’s Gwyneth Paltrow arriving, above); I wore a white dress with black piping to a friend’s wedding in October and got dirty looks (but only compliments from the bride, thank you very much); traditional etiquette says that wearing white to a wedding that is not your own, is bad manners. Where do you stand?

That’s right: free cake!  And you don’t need to go to Costco on the weekend to get a bite, you just have to go to Brides.com. The site is running a national designer cake contest and will give away the nominees—which are sure to taste as good as they look. The confections draw inspiration from designer Christian LaCroix and pop artist Wayne Theibaud to a chef’s grandma’s wallpaper. Although the website has finally found a better reason to marry than a green card, er, I mean love, the price tags may make you sicker than eating the whole thing solo—which is probably why they’re only giving the cakes away to brides. So, unfortunately, this sugar-lovin’ single gal can’t apply unless some sucker proposes soon. But, if you’ve already won someone’s heart, you can also win a cake by voting on your favorite entry. Dang, some girls have all the luck! [Brides.com]