“From checking out Playboy I always thought—jeezum, we still don’t have a better word for it than vagina, do we?—I thought it was behind the pubic hair, and it faced horizontal. You know, east/west, not south. So the first time I got to third base, man, I was hunting for a long time.”

—Matthew McConaughey in Elle

Sometimes, people say the dumbest things.  And when they do, luckily, they say them all in the same place: Yahoo! Answers. Why, just this week, Emily asked:

“Why does steam come out of my vagina?”

My guess is she’s a fire crotch! Ha, get it?  Anyway, we’ll let the “experts” on internet forums help her figure this conundrum out.  In the meantime, we here at The Frisky found a bunch more hilarious sex questions that make Emily seem like the tip of the confused iceberg. 

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

Get out your 64-crayon box of Crayolas! This coloring book will keep you busy on those days when you don’t have anyone to play with. The Big Coloring Book of Vaginas is available through several Amazon.com sellers for $11.95 to $516.77. At those prices, it must be good (though, to be fair, you can get it on the publisher’s website, BigBookAltPress.com, for $11.95). One of the satisfied customers who reviewed the book said, “This book entered my life at a time when I was feeling more or less ‘eh’ about my vagina. Like, I’d wake up in the morning, first thought: ‘I’ve got a vagina.’ Next thought: ‘Yeah, so?’ Not anymore. In my mind, at least, my private parts have progressed from the drab Middle Ages to a Technicolor Age of Aquarius. Let the sunshine in.” In short, this coloring book will change your life. [via The Daily What]

The holiday season is filled with so many awkward family moments. Like, “Oh, pajamas. They’re, um… pink!” Or, “It’s a good thing Grandpa switched his prostate meds.” It can be scary stuff people, but I didn’t want to freak you out before you got cornered by a week’s worth of bonding time. Now that we’ve all officially survived the triumvirate of American high holy days, we can finally breathe a sigh of relief and laugh at this vintage mother/daughter moment. It left me with a not so fresh feeling—my lunch making its way back up. Guaranteed, nobody’s vagina stinks as much as this conversation.

I first heard the word “labiaplasty” three years ago. Immediately, my interest was piqued. My unruly butterfly wings—otherwise known as my labia—interfered with my sexual activities. Riding a bike for more than 15 minutes? Painful. Camel toe? Obvious. Intercourse? Lube did little to relieve all that smooshing, pulling, stretching, especially when condoms were involved.

And then there were the unsolicited anatomical editorials that I’d received over the years, ranging from the respectfully observant, “You’re very floral,” to the horrifying, “Damn, girl. You got a fat p***y!,” to the complimentary, “Actually, I like it full and lippy ... That’s my thing.”

To any guys reading this post—this is indeed a conversation most women have in their lifetime with their friends. We are fascinated by that thing dangling between your legs. What it feels like there, how pants fit comfortably, what it’s like when you’re standing at a urinal and are tempted to glance at the dude next to you. And yes, what it feels like to have sex with one of us. So with that in mind, I polled some of the ladies I know to find out what exactly they would do if they had a manhood for a moment, a schlong for a spell, a willie for a week, a d—k for a day—above is the convo that Sexpert Lindsay and I had over IM, and the rest are after the jump. But one thing I’m wondering of you—do guys ever theorize about what they would do if they had a vagina?

Not long ago, I met a guy that reminded me of that sexy NPR storyteller Ira Glass. Instantly, I fell in nerd-love with this doppelganger. After dating for a while, though, we realized we had only one thing in common: sex. So we decided to be friends with benefits. According to a Michigan State University study, sixty-percent of college co-eds have been involved in an FWB relationship, and plenty of my thirty-something girlfriends were doing it to stay satisfied, so I figured I’d give the laid back, no-romantic-attachments approach to getting laid a whirl. A year later, faux-Ira and I still hang out and hump. After our most recent rendezvous last weekend, I began to wonder what I’m doing. What are the real benefits to friends with benefits? Sure, now I have an in-case-of-sexual-emergency-hit-Glass-lookalike. At the same time, I’ve started to realize my situation is causing me to question the meaning of friendship, challenging my chances at romances, and wobbling my emotional stability.

Amy Sedaris was hilarious on a recent episode of “Chelsea Lately”—seriously, I would love to have a slumber party with those two. The best part is when she says she used to go to acting auditions and perform monologues from the female body tomb “Our Bodies Ourselves”. Classic.

According to a new study, HPV is moving on up…to mouths!  That’s right, just when you thought Gardasil and Cervarix solved all your problems, now you have to worry about what else you’ve been opening wide.  Since the ‘70s. throat cancer cases have doubled, and the research shows HPV is to blame, with 39% of all occurrences caused by the human papilloma virus. Before you go cutting your man off from his favorite foreplay, listen to this: men are 35% more likely than women to develop oral cancer from HPV. Sheesh, making a new man go downtown may be riskier than you both think!  Still, there’s more bad news—as of yet, there is no way to test male genitalia for HPV or anyone’s throat to see if they’re a carrier.  So, it’s a roll of the dice and doctors fear you may even be able to contract the virus from kissing. There goes all the fun! Since this throat cancer link is a new revelation, the cervical cancer vaccines haven’t been tested or proven to prevent it. So, deep throat, you might want to use a condom for oral sex or just give that random stranger a handy and call it a night! [ABC News]

I’ve always found it funny that as the Brazilian—and I’m talking waxing here, people—has became more popular among women, it’s beards, mustaches, and facial scruffiness that has become more in vogue for men. I can’t help but wonder why the women of my generation are hacking off their bushes while the men are letting their face hair grow wild. I’ll admit it. I’m a victim of pubic hair peer pressure. I mean, if you go to the beach, you have to go “there.” Once, I even had a waxident. However, now that I can put my bikini back in storage, I’m wondering, as a single lady on the loose, what the social obligations are to my crotch? I bet if we ask those non-manscaping guys if they’re going to start shaving as we back off waxing, we’ll find a hairy double standard.

Did you know Lysol used to advertise itself as appropriate for feminine hygiene? “A man marries a woman because he loves her,” the copy for this vintage ad reads. “Instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself.” According to this retro-minded public service message, a woman should “safeguard her dainty feminine allure by practicing complete feminine hygiene” with… a household disinfectant. Do not try this at home, people. Your vagina is for lovin’—not Lysol. [mrbill].

Dang, “What Would You Do With A D—k For A Day?” really was a hot topic huh? Thanks for stopping by gentlemen and cluing us into some fun we might have missed. But the thing really weighing on my mind? Do guys ever consider what they would do with a vagina for a day? I suspected that A) they would either be too uncreative to have actually considered it or B) only considered the sexual aspects, and after discussing the topic with a few of the guys on my IM, guess what? I was right!

How did it happen that “vajayjay” quickly became the slang term for vagina? Did Oprah start it? Was it Grey’s Anatomy? It almost feels like a fable at this point—but regardless, there has ALWAYS been slang terms for what’s in your pants and who knows? By the year 2067, vajayjay may sound as old-fashioned as “delta of Venus” or “aphrodisiacal tennis court” do now. After the jump, we’ve compiled a list of 40 slang terms for every important occasion.

Dr. Lauri Romanzi, a gynecologist who performs pelvic reconstruction surgery, will open the first spa dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genitals in Manhattan this month. Taking a cue from the creation of storefront dental spas, like BriteSmile, Dr. Romanzi developed her own concept of pelvic fitness. PHIT—short for pelvic health integrated techniques—will help women get healthy from the inside out with the use of Kegel exercises and laser treatments. We’re all for women taking care of their junk, but you can strengthen their vaginal muscles with products sold at adult stores, like Tighten Up or Ben Wa balls, for a lot cheaper than PHIT’s $150 signature gynecological exam. [NY Times]

While a lot of celebrities like to walk around with their cooters out, it turns out that just means they’re less evolved females. Big surprise! But seriously, evolution is to blame for all the problems men have reading women’s sexual signals—although it seems like the trade off was worth it. Back in the day, when we were monkeys, our privates were very public. When our hairy ancestors were in heat, their vajayjay butts would swell up and then they’d go around trying to get laid by showing off the hot mess to the males like this. Conversely, since the apes walked around on all fours, the men’s junk was hidden, so if they popped up, no one was the wiser.  Needless to say, ape sexuality was totally backwards by today’s human standards.  So, how’d our fates get reversed?

We love art students! They are so crafty in their free time. Like this lovely lady who’s selling a couch she made in college on Craigslist. FYI, it’s shaped like a vagina. But plush poonani comes at a price—the seller is asking $600 “and a loving home”, but does warn that the couch does have a few scuff marks and stains. Eww. More pics of the cozy looking vessel, after the jump. [Craigslist]

Tyra Banks dedicated an entire hour of her talk show yesterday to one of our favorite subjects—the vagina. However, we were stunned to discover that the audience was filled with women who were scarily uneducated about their own bodies—and that this was somehow supposedly a reflection of society as a whole. Can only 11 percent of women identify all of the parts of their reproductive system? Do many women think you pee and give birth out of the same hole? This is what happens when sex education isn’t readily available—women think they can lose tampons in the cavernous empty space between their legs. [The Tyra Show]