Just when I thought no one could exploit her struggle with weight any more than Carnie Wilson, Kirstie Alley is fat again and eager to capitalize on it. Rumor has it that she signed on to do a reality show on A&E about her struggle to lose weight. I wonder if it will air in the same time slot as Carnie’s show, “Unstapled”? And I wonder what it will be called—my best guesses are “Tipping The Scale” and “Really Fat Actress.” Inner grimace. Inner groan.

You didn’t watch last night’s episode of “The City,” did you? Yeah, I didn’t think so—the show is a bit of a snooze fest. But this season there is one big, huge saving grace—Roxy Olin. The producers brought her in to replace Whitney’s BFF from last year, Erin, who was too nice for her own good and not nearly dramatic enough to hold our attention for more than 10 seconds. So the producers plucked Roxy to be Whitney’s new bestie—Roxy supposedly is a friend from grade school who decided to move to New York to embark on a fashion career. And yes, you have seen her before. Her papa produces “Brothers and Sisters” and her mama, Patricia Wettig, stars in it, so she’s had a guest spot on the show as Michelle, a role she reprised last week. Oh, and she was also on an episode of “The Hills.” Remember the first time Lauren Conrad met Stephanie Pratt and got into a fight with her and her friend? Yep, the friend was Roxy. Sneaky trick, producers. She obviously wasn’t cast for either role—both are totally authentic. That’s sarcasm, people.

After the premiere of VH1’s “Sex Rehab,” I found myself thinking one thing: How much did folks get paid to be on this show, cause I certainly hope it’s a whole heck of a lot. Ask and ye shall receive—a day later, I have my answer. Comedian Artie Lange, a former heroin and cocaine addict, has revealed to the NY Post that he was offered $200K to go on “Celebrity Rehab.” He turned the offer down. “They said it was about me getting better, but if I relapsed, they’re not going to air that?” he said. “My mother knows I’ve done coke, but she’s never seen me do it.” Still, that is a lot of dough we’re talking about. After the jump, let’s see how that compares to what others get for starring in reality shows. [TV.com]

Last night, because “Kate Plus 8” is in limbo thanks to a certain someone (JON! That’s you!), TLC decided to air a special called “Kate: Her Story,” featuring Kate Gosselin being interviewed by Natalie Morales. Morales failed to ask really important questions—like, “How do you feel about Heidi Montag being you for Halloween?”—and basically just gave Kate a forum to cry and smear her smoky eye makeup. Since you probably couldn’t stomach the idea of watching the whole thing (plus, you were busy watching the World Series), here are the choicest quotes from the hour-long special.

As the weather outside starts to get frightful, evenings parked in front of the TV are sounding more and more appealing. What will I be watching this week? The World freaking Series! But do not fear, even if you aren’t into baseball, there’s lots of exciting stuff happening this week: Samantha Ronson‘s cameo on “90210”; the premiere of “V,” which is being hailed as the new “Lost”; a new episode of “The Real Housewives of Orange County”; and, sigh, the season finale of “Mad Men.”

To me, few things are as sublime as VH1’s trashtastic reality dating shows. I’ve never even slightly gotten the appeal of Bret Michaels on “Rock of Love,” but when I started watching “For the Love of Ray J,” a funny thing happened—I wanted him to be my boyfriend. Not only is Ray J majorly hot—there’s something about his relaxed, no cares in the world attitude that is so, so appealing. At the same time, he seemed genuine, putting his emotions out there. Sadly, things didn’t go so well with his season one choice, and so he is back tonight, starting a whole new quest on season two. Trust me, watch it—it will be amazing TV.

Here’s everything you need to know about Ray J:

If you say the words “sex addiction,” you might get a laugh. The mere thought of someone who is “addicted” to sex is more likely to prompt nervous giggling than nodding compassion. Why? Well, the idea does seem pretty silly—on the surface. Addicted to sex? It sounds more like someone can’t keep their d**k in their pants. The reality of sexual addiction, though, isn’t so funny, not, at least, according to VH1’s new show, “Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew.”

Saturday

• “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” on AMC at 10:00 a.m.
• “Ghosthunters” on Syfy at 11:00 a.m.
• “Slumdog Millionaire” on HBO at 12:00 p.m.

Oh, “America’s Next Top Model,” how we wish you were still a good show! Too bad two more people are about to be dragged down by this show. A CW source has revealed that Eddie Murphy (as if he could get any lower after denying he fathered Scary Spice’s baby) will appear alongside Tyra Banks and the other judges during the final fashion show, which will feature designs from Julie Clancy. He won’t be there to judge but rather to cheer on his daughter Bria Murphy, who will walk the runway with the remaining contestants. Bria is following in the footsteps of her mother Nicole Murphy with this career choice. [E! Online]

I’ve had unconventional fictional character crushes for about as long as I can remember. I remember being about 9 years old, snuggled into bed, forehead to forehead, with my friend Julie at a sleepover, while we talked about who we liked. She was all about Arnold Schwarzenegger, his “Kindergarten Cop” and “Terminator.” I, however, was in love with a man in tights. Not Cary Elwes of “Robin Hood: Men in Tights”—that would have made sense. Or even Kevin Costner’s weirdly robotic and bare-assed one. I was about 50 years late to the Errol Flynn (of “in like Flynn”) love fest. In the 1938 version of “The Adventures of Robin Hood,” I loved his cocky grin, the glittering tights, the silver-screen accent, and the sword-fighting. I remember trying to explain this all to Julie (who had no idea whom I was talking about) until she rolled over in disgust at my lack of coolness.

Now, I’m in love with another character on the upright side of the law, and I’m not sure if I’m any cooler, but it does feel way more complicated.

The best address in America has always played host to the cutest and brightest puppets, and now like a grand socialite giving her 40th birthday celebration, the show has created a simply amazing guest list for the upcoming season. Set your DVRs, volunteer to babysit, or call out sick and stay home to watch kids’ TV, because the new episodes, beginning Nov. 10, are going to be awesome ....

You know what’s far, far scarier than any horror movie you could rent this Halloween? The possibility that Jon Gosselin and Nadya Suleman might be doing a reality television special together where they date. In Touch Weekly reported this week that masochistic producer Bobby Goldstein, who was also behind “Cheaters” and “The Jerry Springer Show,” is working on said special, called “Jon - Kate = Jon + Octomom.” It features Jon “as he contemplates what hooking up with Octomom could really be like ... He’s totally creeped out by the idea that if they got married, they’d have 22 kids.” As soon as the story about the show appeared, Jon and Nadya’s reps were quick to send out denials. But several insiders have now told NY Daily News that the show is actually happening. “Jon’s camp got scared because they didn’t expect the story to come out so quickly. They figured they would issue a denial now,” explained one mysterious insider. “Both Jon and Nadya are each looking to bring in at least $1 million for doing the show. Jon definitely wants to do the show.” Goldstein adds that he is currently shopping the show around to networks, to potentially air as a two-hour special on Super Bowl Sunday. Why that day—because together this pair has enough kids to make a football team? Also, will we even remember these two that many months from now? Here’s hoping the answer is a big fat “no!” [NY Daily News]

There’s a hot new girl group out of Scranton, PA, that’s inspired by “Rihanna, Katy Perry, J.Hud, and all the Kardashians,” and they might surpass all these influences if the rest of their music is anything like this first single. “The Office” characters Kelly Kapoor (Mindy Kaling) and Erin Hannon (Ellie Kemper) are Subtle Sexuality, and the video for their debut song, “Male Prima Donna,” is out—and it’s awesome. Listen only if you want lines like “If you ever leave me again/I’ll down a bottle of baby aspirin” and “You’re cute but you think you’re blazin’ hot/You’re short but you think you’re not” stuck in your head for the rest of the day. The only thing hotter than this song is Kelly and Erin dancing around Dunder Mifflin’s warehouse in pirate outfits. [Subtle Sexuality]

Last night’s episode of “Top Chef” featured extra-special guest judge Natalie Portman, who forced the chefs to cook vegetarian food in a steakhouse (so cruel!). But they must have done something right, because when the judges sat down to eat, Natalie and Padma got a little frisky. Clip above!

Do you scratch your head when people shriek about sex being too graphic on TV when someone is getting punched or shot before every commercial break? Yeah, me too. A new study by the Parents Television Council (granted, a conservative organization) should have everyone concerned. It counted over 400 acts of violence against women and female teenagers on prime-time ABC, CBS, NBC and Fox shows from February until May of this year. When the group conducted the same study five years ago, they counted less than 200 acts of violence against women. The PTC clocked an increase of over 120 percent for beatings, murder, threats and rape of adult women, as well as an over 400 percent increase against teenage girls. I don’t even know what to say about these stats.

I must admit I’ve spent many years trying to keep my little secret, but I am finally ready to sing it out. I was a musical theatre (spelled “re” not “er,” you uncivilized fools) geek. From ages six to 18, I performed in nearly every musical known to man. I took voice lessons, I owned tap shoes, and I wore so much pancake base and blush that it made me break out regularly. When I was six, I landed my first big role in “Alice in Wonderland,” with my cute yet soporific portrayal of the Door Mouse.

Ever since that opening shot four years ago of mega-hot Tim Riggins passed out on his couch in his football uniform, I have been thoroughly and hopelessly addicted to “Friday Night Lights.” So I am close to despondent that, even though season four of the show premieres tonight on DirecTV at 9 p.m., I won’t be able to watch. See, I—like most television hounds—have standard cable, not DirecTV’s satellite service. Those of us who are DirecTV-less will have to wait until freaking January to see these episodes. Which is why I’m harnessing the power of the internet to ask—is there anyone out there who lives in New York City, has DirecTV, and is fired up to see what’s going down in Dillon, Texas, this year? I’ll bring mac and cheese and okra, and we can call it a tailgate party.

But that’s not why I’m writing. I’m writing because, assuming you’re anywhere near as obsessive about this show as I am, you’ll want some insider info on the new season.

R&B singer Monica has been virtually MIA since releasing The Makings of Me, her worst-selling album to date, in Oct. 2006. She’s popped up here and there, making cameos at Atlanta-based events and on reality shows like “Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is,” but in the fast-moving music industry, this hasn’t been enough to keep her relevant to the masses. So what does she do to generate buzz about her new album? Star in the reality show “Monica: Still Standing” on BET to chronicle the making of her next studio album, like so many other celebs have done. Genre overkill much?

I have a potentially major confession to make. While I find “Gossip Girl” entertaining and enjoy the mildly provocative characters—not to mention, Chuck Bass’ beautiful face—the show actually makes me sad. See, I worshiped its predecessor, “The O.C.” The California drama was a victorious, witty, fast-paced and semi-authentic (if not clusterf**ky) portrayal of teenage life at its most dramatic. Though they are essentially the same show set on opposite coasts, the differences are enough to make me scowl disdainfully every time I hear, “That’s one thing I’ll never tell, xoxo, Gossip Girl,” while the Phantom Planet-scribed theme song “California” always made me feel infinitely warm and fuzzy.