Hey bitches, I’m baccccck! I’m sorry I missed last week’s episode, but trust that I was mourning the loss of Eyebrows just as much as the rest of America. Tonight the remaining bachelorettes—Naomi, Molly, Jillian and Melissa—take Papa Bach back to their hometowns to meet their families. This is guaranteed to the episode that makes me miss Shayne’s mom. So check back with this post starting at 8pm 9pm EST!

In 20 minutes I’m going to be liveblogging another two hour episode of “The Bachelor” and it’s going to rule! Also, I will need your help to decide: do I really need a BLT as a side dish for my mac n cheese?

After a week off—I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I was detained—I’ll be back this evening at 8pm EST for another new episode of “The Bachelor.” It’s two hours! Again! WTF!?

Saturday

Starting at 8pm this evening, I’ll be liveblogging the two hour (lord, help me) premiere of “The Bachelor” starring last season’s “Bachelorette” loser Jason Mesnick. To be honest, I found Jason to be mealy-mouthed and kind of annoying, so I was terribly bummed that he was chosen as the new “Bachelor.” But I am putting aside my previous feelings and opening my mind to the possibility that ABC might have finally found a man who can make a “Bachelor” love match last. And this time, the Bach is looking for a wife and a baby momma for his son. Come back to this post at 8pm and help me liveblog the first episode—it’s one of my faves, as there’s usually a crazy bitch or two who gets wasted and tosses her panties in the Bach’s face.

If you’re a 20- to 35-year-old woman without any children I caution you against dating a man with kids. I did this once and, let me tell you, I learned my lesson. I dated The Cop off-and-on for about six years and I have to admit that love kept me from realizing just how big a problem his children were in our relationship. Recently, he and I made plans to have a friendly, totally platonic drink to celebrate my promotion. He canceled the day of because his youngest daughter had hit her head and he’d spent the previous night in the emergency room. I totally understood why he had to cancel, but the situation also reminded me why he and I could never work and why I will never date a man with children again.

ABC is letting me down. Following up Matt Grant, the hot British guy, with rejected Bachelorette contestant Jason Mesnick for the next season of The Bachelor is such a huge letdown. I know plenty of other women who watched the show, gag, liked the guy, but I found him to be wimpy, and mealy-mouthed, and completely devoid of charm and dazzle. Though I know the producers are hoping to go in a new direction by having a single dad as The Bach, I just don’t buy this as a good spin for a reality TV dating show. It’s irresponsible for a father to date that many women on national TV and then ask one of them to marry him at the end, without having the child get to know what could be his new mommy. But whatevs. I think I am just upset that the next season of The Bachelor is going to be devoid of sex appeal.

Looks like Lorenzo isn’t the only renegade in the Lamas family.  His daughter, Shayne, has run off with a 2.65 carat engagement rock. Shayne made a name for herself as a contestant on The Bachelor: London Calling.  The wannabe actress won the heart of the bachelor from Britain, who infamously proposed to her by asking, “Monkey, will you marry me?”  Well, rumor has it Shayne has been monkeying around in Las Vegas with media magnate Justin Weneger. And another couple TV made has gone sadly, yet predictably, splitsville.  Since the engagement was broken, Matt Grant, who is now a bachelor again, wants the diamond and platinum engagement ring back. But Shayne is refusing to hand it over. Well, at least the girl has got balls as big as the rock! We’ve written about the etiquette during this situation before, but are dying for your opinion—would you still keep the ring bling? [Tango]

To be honest, despite being a loyal viewer, I have hated most of the guys picked to be The Bachelor. In fact, the only guy featured on the show who I could honestly see myself being hot for was Ryan Sutter, the guy Trista, the first Bachelorette gave the final rose to and who she later married. He was friggin’ hot and he seemed nice and he wrote poetry (terrible poetry but I disgress) and he was a fireman. What’s not to love? The rest of The Bachelor‘s have ranged from mediocre (Andrew Firestone) to downright awful (Alex Michel). But the worst of the worst of the worst was Bachelor Aaron Buerge from season two. He was, in a word, a total d-bag. And by the looks of last night’s Where Are They Now? special, he is still just as heinous as ever. For the record, he shows how a fist bump shouldn’t be done.

My love affair with Shayne Lamas has peaked and is now on a steady decline. Celebrating her victory on The Bachelor, Shayne appears dressed in a veil in Girls Gone Wild magazine. Gross. I mean, it’s the poor man’s, poor man’s Maxim. The Bach’s bride needs to have standards! [DListed]

No, seriously, that’s what Matt, The Bachelor, calls Shayne. Do I suck for thinking that’s kind of cute? Anyway, for once in the entire history of The Bach, I was actually surprised by the finale. Chelsea is the kind of girl who ALWAYS wins this show—the sweet, best friend-type with whom the Bach has a slow build to romance. As much as I was rooting for her, I wasn’t expecting my beloved Shayne to win. But she did! I have no clue whether she and Matt can actually make this relationship last, but I really am kind of psyched Shayne won. She was more than meets the eye that one, which is a lot to expect from the daughter of Lorenzo Lamas.

Let me assure you, 99.9% of the reason I watch The Bachelor is for the pre-season finale episode, “The Women Tell All”. Undoubtedly, the batsh*t crazy ones have already been sent packing and make the return on this most glorious of episodes, and this season was no exception. Stacy was back! But she wasn’t as proud of her moments of glory as we thought she should be—you mean, she was actually sorry for saying she would kill all the other bachelorettes AND their families to get to Matt? You mean she understands giving The Bach her panties wasn’t a good idea? Boring! My favorite part of the show was the montage of Marshanna. I forgot she showed up the first day in a sari. Bitch was awesome.

Last night The Bach took the remaining three women to Barbados for individual dates and time in the “Fantasy Suite”. Chances are, they all probably has sex with him, but in the end, Blahmanda wasn’t good enough and was sent packing. KNEW IT! Shayne and Chelsea remain. I suspect that the Bach really loves Chelsea because he keeps putting up with her reserved crap, but I’m still hoping Shayne pulls out the win. In the clip above, “actress” Shayne shows Matt how kissing is done in the movies. [ABC: The Bachelor]

Bachelor Matt met the fams last night, and while most of the parents were totally boring, Shayne’s parents were priceless. Of course, her father is Lorenzo Lamas (I wonder how Shayne would rate on Lamas’ show Are You Hot?), but his meet and greet with The Bach wasn’t as awesome as I expected. But luckily, Shayne’s mom, Michelle, was as wonderful as I could have dreamed. Shauna Sand (another Lamas ex), behold YOUR FUTURE.

At the end of the episode, Noelle got the boot and only Shayne, Chelsea, and Blah-manda (my nickname for Amanda) remain. I’m sorry, I am rooting for Shayne. I can’t help it! She seems shockingly bright and sincere. [ABC: The Bachelor]