Women are always on the hunt for a smart man. Smarter men have more money, more success and apparently more sperm. Researchers have found that smarter men produce more sperm than not-so-smart men. The logic behind this theory is that smarter men take better care of themselves and live a healthier life than the not-so-intelligent dudes (also known as the the people who eat triple bacon cheeseburgers from Wendy’s).

On the cover of today’s free paper AM New York is a hard-hitting headline about how the New York City Department of Health found that…wait for it… binge drinking leads to sex. Puh-lease, after ZERO drinks I’ll do the nasty! Plus, if that was all it took to get laid, I’d get hammered in morning, I’d get hammered in the evening, I’d get hammered all over this land!  According to the Health Department’s report, if you have more than five drinks in one sitting, at least once a month, you’re a big slutty drunky-drunk. [Oops. Oops again. Oops.—Editor] And by slutty, the study means you have had two to four partners a year. Whore! 

Or so says scientists who studied the brain scans of couples who had been together for 20 years versus couples who had recently fallen in love. They found that “one in 10 of the mature couples exhibited the same chemical reactions when shown photographs of their loved ones as people commonly do in the early stages of a relationship.” In other words, that “spark” that couples typically feel at the beginning of dating continues to exist for at least 20 years. These couples were dubbed “swans” by the scientists because the birds mate for life (as do foxes, lobsters, and penguins). [Times Online]

Need another reason to look forward to the holiday season? New research says the Christmas through New Years period produces an increase in the number of people who have sex. This can be attributed to the lengthy time off and the rise in party hoppers combined with boozing it up in abundance.

Now you have no more excuses not to hit up your booty call when you go to your parents house this week. Gas is cheap. You could stand to lose a few pounds anyway. And everyone else is having sex. This revelation gives you license to sleep with anyone you’ve ever wanted! Next time you see that really cute coworker you’ve always wanted to have your way with, but you’ve been to shy to approach, be bold and tell him you want to sleep with him because everyone else is having sex and you think it’s about time you two did. Or the cute little young barista at Starbucks you’ve been eying everyday as he makes your coffee, slip away with him for a quickie. You have permission to sleep with the men you normally wouldn’t because he’s not your type. The “too short, has no job, and balding” men are all welcome to apply for a night with you.

And when you wake up in the morning, feeling a bit shameful about your actions, you have scientific evidence proving that what you did really isn’t so demoralizing after all. In fact, what you did is normal…everyone else is having sex. Why shouldn’t you? Ho! Ho! Ho!

Since your biggest erogenous zone is your brain, scientists are busy working on a vibrator for your mind!  More specifically, Oxford University’s department of psychiatry is developing a small chip that would massage the pleasure center behind your eyes, the orbitofrontal cortex. Originally and successfully created to treat the symptoms of Parkinson’s, researchers believe they can use the chip to increase sexual sensations, without all the messy love and aerobic BS normally required for sex. While I’ve been waiting for a sex pill, like the one in “Barbarella” (see above), this chip seems to cause the desired affect permanently.  Schwinnng for life! Although, in my enthusiasm, I am getting a little ahead of the research…

Psychiatrists are a British hospital have come to the conclusion that for some people, sexual thoughts leading to fits of sneezing, while other people may be prone to sneezing after orgasm. So that explains why I couldn’t stop the incessant tickling in my nose while watching “Murder By Numbers” on TV today. [Newser.com]

We poke a lot of fun at silly studies on The Frisky, but occasionally one comes along that’s actually interesting and insightful. Researchers at Harvard University have discovered that our experience of pain depends on whether we think someone caused the pain intentionally. Participants in the study were given electrical shocks and asked to rate the level of pain they experienced. When those participants believed the electrical shock was delivered intentionally rather than on accident, they rated that shock as more painful. This made me think about whether the same thing would apply to emotional pain and not just physical pain. Does it feel worse when someone hurts your feelings on purpose rather than on accident? Think about heartbreak—does it feel worse when the heartbreak happens as a result of someone doing something hurtful, like cheating? [Science Daily]

My older brother tortured me through childhood, but now he’s saving my lifestyle. According to a new study, I’m less likely to spawn thanks to my big bro. Yay, baby free forever! (Can you tell I don’t want kids?) Sheffield University researchers, who poured over birth, marriage, and death records, discovered that anyone, male or female, with an older male sibling is 5% less likely to have children than people with female older siblings. They also have children later in life and space their babies out. (Hmm, maybe we are just wiser?) On the downside, guys’ younger siblings are much more likely to be shorter. So that explains why my brother is over six foot while I’m one inch away from legally being a little person! The theory being tossed around is that first-born males took a toll on your mom back in the womb and researchers believe it has even more psychological implications on the siblings that came after. In time, I hope science will give me the go ahead to send my big bro my therapy bills.  Meanwhile, I’m just grateful he’s helping me keep my curves childproof. There’s only room for one baby in this family—me! [Daily Mail]

Well, actually, male menopause is called “andropause.” But wordage aside, researchers are trying to prove there is a very real life change men experience in their silver fox years, akin to the infamous female hot flashin’ phase. Just as women stop ovulating, men see a steep drop in hormonal levels between the ages of 45-50.  However, their low levels aren’t really evident until they start having medical problems in their 60’s.  While some believe male menopause is merely a myth, certain medical researchers, like the European Association of Urology, are trying to link diabetes, obesity, depression, sensitive moobs, exhaustion and lack of sex drive all to the decrease in testosterone. Damn, that male hormone is causing more problems than our tanking economy! Doctors are running tests to find a possible solution, injecting testosterone into over-65 dudes, hoping to prove it can stave off the symptoms of old age. Hmm, could this be Mick Jagger’s secret new drug fix? [Guardian and Mayo Clinic]

“I can go all night long, baby!” While this common guy claim is rarely true, is this really what women want? According to a Penn State Study published last spring, ”Satisfactory sexual intercourse for couples lasts from three to 13 minutes.” Damn, that’s less time than it takes me eat a burrito!  (Which, let’s face it, in some cases, can be more deliciously gratifying.) But sex, as we all know, is a quality over quantity thing. Going at it like bunnies until the break of dawn sounds fun, but with risk factors like chafing, early morning meetings, and general exhaustion, you can’t go on bumpin’ uglies forever—which explains why “women like sex to last, and last, and last” came in second in our poll of sexual misconceptions.  So, what do you consider the perfect amount of time strictly for D-in-V-style penetration?

University of Rochester psychologists tested how different colors affected men’s attitudes towards women in five different experiments. In one, the color of a woman’s shirt was digitally changed from red to blue. The men were asked, “Imagine that you are going on a date with this person and have $100 in your wallet. How much would you be willing to spend on your date?” When the woman was wearing a red shirt, more men rated her attractive and sexually desirable, and they were more likely to take her out on an expensive date. So this is why Sarah Palin always wears a red suit… [LiveScience]

Groundbreaking researchers, at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, have found that premature ejaculation is all thanks to DNA. Previously thought of as a psychological problem or the result of effective lingerie, these doctors discovered it simply has to do with the gene that controls serotonin. The good is that it’s nobody’s fault that the sexy party is over before it really began. The bad news is that a third of men have this gene. So, what is a girl to do?  Here are our Sexy Solutions For Setbacks In The Sack…

Growing up, my mom and dad shared the responsibility of bringing home the bacon…well, the proverbial bacon—we’re Jewish. Anyway, my mom was a realtor and good at her job, but I’ll never forget her main competitor. His wife didn’t work and he was a jerk, the kind of guy who used too much hair grease and put his cheesy head shot up at bus stops. While my mother kept me in enriching after school programs, this other slick Realtor dude would scam his clients for sympathy by dragging his son around to meetings. One particular prospective female client even told my mother she was going to go with this guy because he was really his family’s breadwinner. Puke—that’s some serious girl-on-girl crime! I was always proud of my mama for Mary Tyler Moore-ing it up in the face of sexist foolishness, but apparently this chauvinist realtor isn’t the only man who has cashed in on close-mindedness.

Finding that special someone can seem like an impossible search for a single gal, but the Swiss experts at Gene Partner have gotten the hunt down to a science. While normally it takes a little romance, a couple drinks, and at least one meal to know if a man is right for you and your crotch, these wise guys think they have it all figured out thanks to some stanky shirts. After a study was conducted at the University of Bern in which women picked which men’s t-shirt BO smelled the best to them, Dr. Wedekind was able to link that we’re subconsciously charmed by mates with the best baby making potential based on a dramatic difference in HLA, or the genes that inform your immune system.  So, when it comes to long-term love and the success of your potential spawning, opposites do attract! But how do you get to know if your stats should bump uglies? 

Nowadays, we modern gals are too busy to worry about spawning.  It might be on some of our to do lists, but according to a 2006 survey, one in five women never have a baby. That’s double the number of childless women in 1976! While 30 years ago, 59% of women had at least three kids, now only 28% have popped that many out. The U.S. Census Bureau, who conducted the survey, speculates that societal factors, like people trying to conceive later because of careers and education, fertility rates steadily dropping since the ‘80s, and a wide range of socially accepted birth control options, are all adding up to less brats, er, bundles of joy.  Now you can point fingers at the empowered products of women’s lib all you want, but we’re willing to bet there’s an underlying economic issue here too. For instance, the birth rate keeps going down while college tuition keeps going up. Coincidence? We think not. Kids cost a lot more than condoms. [The Guardian]

Being a life-long bachelor has its obvious perks, but now it’s also as healthy a lifestyle as being married—arguably even healthier. Back in 1973, a Michigan State University sociologist started surveying men, single, widowed, and betrothed, about their health without giving them medical examinations. Since then, Dr. Hui Liu has interviewed over a million men from 25 to 80.  At first, his research seemed to conclude that married men were in the best shape. But over the years, as they asked each demographic how they felt, the gap began to narrow between those who were married and those who were single. 

While sex used to be saved for cable television shows, networks have been trying to compete by showing some skin themselves. Hits like Gossip Girl and Desperate Housewives have been steaming the storylines, and the ratings, up. Over the past few years the change has been so noticeable, consumer watchdogs, the Parents Television Council, decided to launch a “Happily Never After” study to test how much of the sex being shown was in the context of a wholesome marriage. Needless to say, the numbers reflected what married friends keep telling their single gal pals—sex is way more interesting when you’re unattached.  According to the research, which examined four weeks worth of network prime time programming last fall, there was three times as much dirty talk and four times as many eyefuls of un-wedded sexual bliss than there were married couples getting it on. And the sex itself isn’t exactly vanilla either! Voyeurism, masturbation, threesomes, fetishes, S&M, transsexuals and sex toys have been making television shows spicier. But is it too hot to handle? Not even the critics think so. Airing the kinks we’ve all come to know and love is just a sign of the times—it’s art imitating life. [Forbes]

Ironically, hormones, the thing that causes women to become emotionally irrational at times (specifically once a month), may actually help ladies who suffer from schizophrenia. Dr. Jayashri Kulkami, MBBS, PhD, applied the old adage that there’s a grain of truth in every joke when she heard her patients were covering up for their symptoms by blaming them on hormones.  So, she set up a study with 102 women diagnosed with the mental disorder.  In addition to their regimen of medication, half of the women were given a patch of estrogen and that group reported a decrease in delusions, hallucinations, and disordered thinking.  While estrogen had been linked to mental illness over a century ago, medical science is still trying to figure out the exact relationship.  Surprisingly enough, the estrogen was even a success when tested on men!  But there are side effects to taking these hormones besides moobs—it increases the risk of cervical and breast cancer. With these factors in mind, Dr. Kulkami is continuing her research and currently examining the effectiveness of an alternative known as SERMs (selective estrogen receptor modulators).  [Health News]

According to Belgian researchers, how you walk is related to how you orgasm.  They studied tapes of a controlled group of women walking on the street, where 50% percent of the group claimed they get an orgasm solely from stimulating their clitoris, while the other 50% can orgasm through intercourse without clitoral stimulation. The report is published with a lot of high-brow lingo, but basically, the “sexologists” associated a good strut, complete with sashaying hips, with the ability to orgasm with only penetration. Surprisingly enough, they were 81% accurate! Even still, these “experts” still weren’t able to pick out women who required clitoral stimulation….isn’t that the story of our lives. Something tells us this study is just a load of good guessing B.S. [Psych Central]