“I hate giving blow jobs, but my boyfriend loves them. How can we compromise?”—Not Into Head, via email

Sssssshhh!!! Are there any boys around you right now?? Did anybody hear you?? I hope for your sake there aren’t, because if that sentiment got around, you might as well have a scarlet letter on your shirt.

Lemme clue you in to something: EVERY MAN LOVES BLOW JOBS. Your boyfriend is not lying. So you know what that means? You+blowjobs=new best friends.

“I have seriously huge labia and I am way concerned that guys will think my vagina is ugly. Am I being ridiculous?”—Labia Majorly Majora, San Francisco, CA

Yes you are!

Labia majora (the technical name) vary greatly from woman to woman. No two vaginas are alike…which means there are tons of women out there with big labia, small labia, and somewhere in between. Whatever kind you have, rest assured that you are not abnormal.

“What percentage of women have an orgasm during intercourse? The stats I’ve read really seem to vary, with some studies making it seem kind of rare. Is that true?” - Curious About Climaxes, Cleveland, OH

General statistics (which vary as much as your orgasms do) show a whopping 75% of women failing to reach orgasm during intercourse. 12% percent NEVER EVER achieve one, even through self-stimulation.
A lot of this has to do with knowing your body well enough to determine what turns you on and what doesn’t. I didn’t achieve my first orgasm until my mid-20’s, and didn’t find a partner I could have regular orgasms with until I was almost 30 (I’m 29 now, so you do the math).

Let’s talk about sex, baby—one last time. Sue Johanson, the sweetest little grandma with the dirtiest big mouth, hosts the well-loved question and answer program Talk Sex With Sue Johanson on Oxygen.  After six seasons, which aired in five languages and in 20 countries, the show is getting a happy ending with this Sunday’s episode—a sex toy special. But it sounds like a case of premature ejaculation to us! Although Sue will still answer your burning questions via the Oxygen website, we will certainly miss our weekly date with the septuagenerian sexpert. [TV Guide]

“Do any guys NOT enjoy oral sex? Do they enjoy it more than actual sex?—Seeking Sucking Stats, Duck, NC

A guy that doesn’t like oral sex is like a monkey not liking bananas. If they ever found one, they’d put it in a museum instead of a zoo. Very few people (girls and guys) don’t like oral sex. I mean, who doesn’t want to sit back and relax while someone else does all the work? But that doesn’t mean we want oral sex all of the time. I’d say guys prefer an 80-20 ratio of sex to blow jobs.

“What are some hot spots on guys’ bodies?”—Hand Me A Map, Athens, GA

I don’t know if you know this, but an area called “the penis” is a definite hot spot on a guy. Usually licking, stroking, or inserting this area makes the guy go CRAZY.
Aside from that, there are a few other key areas on the male physique…

“If I masturbate too much will I be unable to get off when a guy goes down on me?”—Solo Satisfier, Baltimore, MD

Unlike guys, the more a girl masturbates the more likely she is to have an orgasm during sex (intercourse or oral). Masturbating might actually help you achieve an orgasm FASTER. The more we know our bodies (and what movements turn us on), the more we’re able to translate that experience in the sack.

I’ve been dating a guy for about a month and a half. Every thing is great—similar outlooks on life, we share a lot of opinions on things etcetera—except for one thing. In that time period, during our above average sex life, I’ve climaxed once. ONCE. His technique is just fine, but for some reason its not happening. Typically oral sex does the trick for me, but even that’s not working. Now I feel like there’s so much pressure on it to happen that it makes it even harder now. Thoughts? Advice? New techniques?—Have You Seen My Orgasm?, Brooklyn, NY

Uh, I think I might be pregnant. What are the earliest signs of pregnancy? How soon after conception will a home pregnancy test work?—Bun In The Oven?, Burlington, VT

The # 1 sign of pregnancy is a missed period. It might sound super obvious, but unless women are on the pill they can sometimes miscalculate their period and not recognize when they’re late. Other early symptoms include breast tenderness, darker areolas, morning sickness (aka vomiting or nausea), strong aversions to smells and foods, general fatigue, low back pain, constipation, and frequent urination.

If you’re going to have sex in a public restroom, is it better to use the women’s or the men’s?—Lovin’ In The Loo, San Jose, CA

If you’re at a Minneapolis airport and happen to be a Senator, I highly recommend using neither. But if you aren’t, I think you should ask yourself this simple question: Who’s cleaner? Guys or girls? I think we all know the answer to that one. Guys seem to think a bathroom is a place where you can pee freely on the seat and take a massive dump without even lighting a match. If the thought of that makes you want to drop your britches, than have at it. If not, I suggest you use the women’s.

Whenever I sleep over at a new guy’s place, I am never sure what to do/how to act in the morning. Am I supposed to leave? Am I supposed to stay and pretend to be sleeping? Also, how do I hint to a guy who has slept over that it’s time for him to leave?—Awkward In The Mornin’, Dallas, TX

Isn’t it weird how awkward conversation over eggs seems way scarier than letting some dude put his penis in you? It’s because the morning-after usually signifies what direction (if any) this new relationship will take. That’s a lot of pressure before 9 AM! Your safest bet is to take the guys’ cue when you wake up. If Mr. X is already dressed and halfway out the door when you’re just starting to rub the sleep out of your eyes, than you know it’s time to say goodbye. If you wake up to Mr. Y offering you a pair of his boxers and bunny slippers, than make yourself at home and stay awhile.

I’m having a problem with hickeys, and I was wondering if you could tell me how to get rid of them—fast.—Bruisey, Providence, RI

Are you dating a 12-year-old? Do people STILL give hickeys? I’ll stop sounding like a grandma…but one more thing: If you want to get rid of them so fast, why are you letting someone give them in the first place? As soon as you feel Dracula heading for your neck, get out the garlic and tell him to lay off! If that doesn’t work, try this two-part method the next time you get a neck gift:

My boyfriend and I have decided to try anal, but I’ve heard it’s good to sort of ‘warm up’ first. Are there tricks to getting myself relaxed enough? I’ve heard porn stars have enemas or stop eating a day before. Do I have to go to all that trouble? What if it comes up more spontaneously?—Back Door Betty, Santa Clara, CA

Here’s a little tip about porn stars. The enema and no eating a day before anal is, I imagine, like a method actor preparing for a role. Did you hear how Tom Hanks prepared for his role in Cast Away? He literally starved himself for weeks at a time so he could actually feel like he was stranded on a deserted island. For porn stars, their butt IS that island. Yours isn’t, so don’t get so freaked out.

“Is there a secret to being awesome at oral sex? I’m not sure if I’m doing it well, and I’m not about to discuss my technique with my friends.”—Needing Lessons, Santa Fe, NM

The real secret to oral sex that nobody ever talks about is that you have to be into it! You know how passionate you get about buying shoes or watching the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model? Put that same gleeful cheer into fellatio, and you’ll have your guy going through the roof.

With that said, there’s a few “tricks of the trade” (I totally sound like a hooker) that will spice up the average beej. My favorites, after the jump…

“Lots of things about my relationship are great, but the sex is vanilla — my boyfriend is weirded out by my collection of sex toys, and isn’t willing to experiment. What should I do?”—In Need Of Spice, New Orleans, LA

I think this depends on what kind of toys you have. If your collection is filled with gag-balls and strap-ons, I can’t say I blame your boyfriend for feeling uneasy. On the other hand, if all you want to do is lock him to the bed with furry pink handcuffs, there’s some room to negotiate. 

“I am dating a new guy and I want to have sex with him, but he’s extremely well endowed. If I start having regular sex with him will I stretch my vagina permanently?”—Dating Mr. Big

Unless his penis is the size of a 9 lb. baby, the answer is “no.” Vaginas have a lot of natural elasticity, and even expand with arousal. The width of a large penis is not likely to stretch your vagina any noticeable amount.

If this is an issue you’re worried about, try doing daily Kegel exercises. Kegels are like pilates for your vagina, tightening the muscles that surround the urethra, vagina, and anus. If you’re not sure which muscle to contract for this exercise, try testing it out while you’re peeing. The muscle you use the stop the flow of urine is the same one you should contract for kegels. Start with reps of 10 a day and increase as needed.

Now go have sex, my child!

Got a burning question for our amazingly wise Nookie Know-It-All? Email it to sexpert@thefrisky.com. Don’t worry, we’ll keep your deets between us.

“What’s the best way to exit an awkward morning-after?”—Pullin’ The Slip in Akron, OH

Planning a hit and run? The best way to get out of dodge is usually the most obvious. Tell your boy-toy you’ve got plans. If it’s a weekday, tell him you’ve got an early work meeting. If it’s a weekend, tell him you’ve got brunch plans with your girlfriends. If you’re not into this guy, be sure you don’t sugarcoat the goodbye speech, or you could get a stage-five clinger. Try not to say things like, “I’ve got to go, but I really want you to call me.” Or, “I’ve got to run but I’d love to see what our kids would look like.” If he tries to ask for your number on the way out and you don’t want to talk to him again, use the same line girls have been hearing for years: tell him you had a really nice time last night, but you’re just getting over somebody and aren’t ready to start something new. You might break his little heart…but at least you won’t have to break your phone.

Got a burning question for our amazingly wise Nookie Know-It-All? Email it to sexpert@thefrisky.com. Don’t worry, we’ll keep your deets between us.

“Can you really not get preggers if you have sex on the last days of your period?”—Hating Condoms, Cleveland, OH

How many times have you heard an “Oops” story? Every Christmas there’s always that relative that drinks too much eggnog and says something like, “You know, Larry was a mistake. We were done having kids. We wanted to go to Bermuda.” I’m sure if Larry was a lawyer and not still living with his mother, she wouldn’t say that. But you get my drift.

What are some easy steps to having a threesome where no one gets hurt?—Menage A Trois, Greenwich, CT

You’d think there’d be a Threesome for Dummies or Emily Post’s Guide to Entertaining Your Third Party…but alas, there’s not. Instead, you’ve got me.

Do guys REALLY care if you aren’t waxed or shaved down there?—Razor Ready, Virginia Beach, VA

I think women’s vaginas are like men’s faces. You’ve basically got three options: The clean-shaven, the week’s worth of stubble, or the mountain-man variety. At the end of the day, it’s all about preference. You might like your man with a baby-smooth face. He might want you to look like a tumble weed and call him mommy during sex. The bottom line is, everybody is different.

Whatever option you go with, I think it’s safe to say your landscaping habits are not going to prevent guys from having sex with you. As long as a guy doesn’t need a degree in bushwhacking to date you, I’m pretty sure you’ll get lucky.