We love sex. You love sex. Well, that’s out of the way.

Seeing as we’re both in agreement over the importance of sex, the excitement of sex, the giggle-inducing, gasp-inspiring, slow-motion tsunami of gooseflesh-triggering awesomeness of sex, we can move on to why it is we can’t really talk about S-E-X.

Women think men are mysterious when it comes to knocking boots, or worse, single-minded and simplistic. We’re not. You’re mysterious, and that’s not playground rhetoric. The difference between what we want and what you want, our needs and yours, is the difference between banal home theater instruction manuals and more exotic hieroglyphics.

“I love to play doctor. I got my husband a doctor’s outfit and bag full of sex toys. I wore the naughty nurse outfit, of course.”—Christina Aguilera [Maxim]

A man reportedly broke into his ex-girlfriend’s home and stole the sex toys he had bought for her birthday present when they were together. After making off with the lingerie, gauntlets, shackles, and whip, Paul Ashcroft is said to have sent Claire Bainbridge a text message telling her to check her drawers. She discovered that the items were missing, and two days later they were recovered in Ashcroft’s residence. The judge sentenced him to a two-year conditional discharge, in addition to paying court costs. “This was pretty disgraceful behavior,” the judge said. “There is no excuse for doing what you did in stealing those items. I trust that the relationship has now come to an end. I have been told…each of you now has a fresh relationship. I suggest you concentrate on that.” [News Guardian, U.K.]

Let’s talk about sex, baby—one last time. Sue Johanson, the sweetest little grandma with the dirtiest big mouth, hosts the well-loved question and answer program Talk Sex With Sue Johanson on Oxygen.  After six seasons, which aired in five languages and in 20 countries, the show is getting a happy ending with this Sunday’s episode—a sex toy special. But it sounds like a case of premature ejaculation to us! Although Sue will still answer your burning questions via the Oxygen website, we will certainly miss our weekly date with the septuagenerian sexpert. [TV Guide]

Joanna Kozlowska is in the hospital after an incident involving her homemade sex toy, fashioned from a food mixer, and the bathtub. Don’t make me spell it out. Let this be a warning to you all: Do not operate sex toys in the bathroom, even if your husband/boyfriend/lover is not tending to your needs. [The Sun, U.K. via CandyKirby.com]

Anyone who has ever had to explain their sex toys to a snooping family member, friend, or airport security officer, can tell you, it’s a bit awkward. You’re fumbling for excuses like I Love Lucy because you have some explainin’ to do. But how do you really verbalize why you need a hot pink rabbit?  Finally, there are ceramic sex toys so discreet, they probably even match your grandmother’s china. [Cool Hunting]

“Lots of things about my relationship are great, but the sex is vanilla — my boyfriend is weirded out by my collection of sex toys, and isn’t willing to experiment. What should I do?”—In Need Of Spice, New Orleans, LA

I think this depends on what kind of toys you have. If your collection is filled with gag-balls and strap-ons, I can’t say I blame your boyfriend for feeling uneasy. On the other hand, if all you want to do is lock him to the bed with furry pink handcuffs, there’s some room to negotiate. 

Britney just can’t get any peace. Justin mocked her at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction ceremony (“The world is full of Madonna wannabes. I might have even dated a couple.”), K-Fed wants her to pay nearly $1 million in legal fees, and some sicko keeps sending her sex toys in the mail. For the last six weeks, Britney has been receiving packages with sex toys and crazy letters describing the correspondent’s fantasies involving Brit. On a sort of positive note, though, she is supposed to make a guest appearance on How I Met Your Mother this season. Cross your fingers that she doesn’t forget her lines, that someone watches the show, and that Britney’s career finally climbs out of the Dumpster.  [Times of India]