Did you see this chick who uses her funbags as a purse? Man, she can cram a lot of junk in her set. I am also a fan of putting my Grand Titons, a natural resource, to good use. In fact, I like to call my pair “nature’s pockets” because cleavage is a great place to keep a wad of cash or even your cell phone. Hey, use what ya got, right?! So, to help inspire your tittie committee to think out of the box, here are 21 things your boobs can do for you…

When it comes to men and sex, I’ve noticed that special requests usually come along the lines of an instant upgrade: if I’m giving a hand job, they ask for a blowjob, and if I’m giving a blowjob, well, why not full-on sex? That’s simple enough for me to handle if it makes sexytime shine.

But we’re all about equality here at The Frisky and it wouldn’t be very egalitarian of us to hinthintHINT to our dudes with our 10 Things Men Forget To Do During Sex list without engaging in a little self-improvement ourselves. After the jump, we asked a few men—who, let it be known, all said “Don’t forget to touch our balls!”—to help us out.

Last week, we whined that, in addition to these 14 Jobs That Won’t Help You Get Laid, being a sex/relationship blogger totally wrecks your chance at romance. We Frisky gals don’t have an exact statistic because the CDC won’t take our emails seriously, but we know from experience that the fear of being exposed on the internet kills thousands of boners each year. But just because we’re suffering here in the world wide web of singledom does not mean some professionals aren’t baggin’ more hot buns than Wonderbread. So, before you go choosing a career that might force you to become an expert masturbator, check out these 17 jobs that are guaranteed to get your business handled for you on the regs.

A woman wrote to Rowan Pelling, the resident sex advice columnist for the Daily Mail, with a question I bet many of us have had at one point or another. She writes:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for six months, we’re both 34 and I am fairly sure he’s The One. The other night we ended up having a conversation about how many lovers we’d had. He told me he had slept with eight women and suddenly I felt nervous about confessing the truth -  I had a lot of flings at university and in my first job at an ad agency, so my tally is closer to 40. But I found myself saying ten and even then he looked horrified. I hate being untruthful with him, but don’t want to be judged either. What should I do?

So, what do you think? Is honesty always the best policy? If the woman has been tested for STDs, etc. and shared the results with her boyfriend, is it even his business what her sex life was like before he started a relationship with her? Or should couples be completely honest with each other about their sexual histories?

Check out Pelling’s advice after the jump.

I thought I’d had “rough sex” before; I’d been spanked on my butt plenty of times, had my hair pulled, even been caned once while strung up with my hands over my head. That hurt, and I cried, and I liked it, because I’m submissive like that, but it was just a one-time thing. I’d had plenty of encounters with talking dirty, spinning all sorts of nasty fantasies, where, most of the time, I was on the receiving end of some very hot epithets. But I’d never wanted to be choked until I got together with the guy I’m dating now.

This week, I got a letter from a lady who’s full of hot air:

“Last night, I was trying to impress this guy I’ve been seeing by trying to bend like a pretzel in bed.  Unfortunately, I farted while moving my leg over. It was loud, it was smelly. It was so embarrassing. There was a definite pause ... and then we just kept going. It was the most awkward thing that has ever happened to me. Will he ever think I’m sexy again? It was only the fourth time we had sex.”

Last week, our Catherine totally skeeved all of us, which I might add is not an easy task, with 20 Words That Gross Us Out More Than “Moist.” Seriously, ew! It’s bad enough to hear a funky word in your day-to-day life, but what about when you’re trying to keep things sexy? You don’t want to say something icky when you’re naked. That’s why we’ve compiled a list of no-no words for once you’ve said “yes.” Let’s do it, down and dirty with 36 words you should never ever say ... in bed!

This week, I got a letter from a woman who’s worried she doesn’t know her own strength:

“I’m finally seeing a new guy regularly and he’s great, but we’re having a major issue in the bedroom department. I’ve always had glowing reviews before, and this new guy and I are definitely compatible, but sometimes we have to stop because somehow I’ve ... bent his penis? The last time it happened, I had already orgasmed, but he was telling me he might not be able to (another really frustrating problem, but a more manageable one—he said he was tired). Anyway, he pulled out too far mid-thrust and then instead of going straight back in there, he got off track and ended up smushing himself against me and hurting himself! This has happened before but I thought it was due to dryness, so we added lube and things were fine for a while, but it’s happened since and dryness was not to blame. I’m not sure if I’m doing something wrong or what, but I’m starting to get concerned and I don’t want him to be disappointed and writhing in pain every time we have sex! It doesn’t happen every single time, but it’s enough that it’s a problem. Please help me!”

Oh girl, this is an emergency! Here’s how you can play doctor.

Are you a cucumber abuser? If you are, I think you know exactly what I mean by that. And it’s got to stop! The cucumbers can’t take it anymore! Created by an erotic shop called Sara’s Secret, these ads show just how traumatic life can be for poor, innocent cucumbers who find themselves in the hands of bored, sexually frustrated women. Don’t do it, girls! Go battery-powered instead. Or, there’s always the washing machine. [Agency Spy]

My 85-year-old Grandma has got some serious game and an even hotter love life than me. Still dating in her golden years, my grams finally settled down and moved in with her sexy new boyfriend. He’s 94, also a Holocaust survivor, and a total charmer. They spend the winters at her condo in Boca (that’s Boca Raton, Florida, natch), and the summers at his place in New York. So, while she’s in town, I took the opportunity to ask my own personal dating guru to share her secrets with us Frisky gals. Here’s what Grandma’s got to say about the best places to meet men, masturbation, sex back in the day, and porn addiction. What, you think I’d let her get off easy?

Got a question for Simcha’s grandma? Email grandma@thefrisky.com—no topic is off-limits for this silver fox!

In Jamie Bufalino’s sex column in Time Out New York this week, a 30-year-old straight woman writes in to tell Jamie about a super-embarrassing moment she experienced during sex with her new boyfriend recently. She says:

This evening we are fooling around and I am straddling him but no actual intercourse. All of a sudden—OMG Jamie, I can’t even write this—I felt some sort of warm liquid under me…I don’t know WTF happened, there seriously was no warning whatsoever…but somehow, my body released runny, watery, disgusting, liquidy s**t. Not a lot, but definitely enough. Again, no signs of it coming, no stomach gurgling, no slipped fart, nada. Just straight-up liquid s**t. I stopped immediately, hopped into the shower, and wanted to curl up and disappear. He was actually very polite and understanding about it. I want to know, how the hell did this happen?!? Why was there no warning?!? I’m so disgusted and humiliated that I don’t know if I have the courage to ever see him again.

Well, it was bound to happen. Porn company Lethal Hardcore Video has spoofed the Sarah Palin/David Letterman feud for a flick called, ahem, “F**k My Mom and Me.” In the dirty movie, “Letterman” has sexual relations with both the former Governor (“Sara Paelin”) and her daughter (“Bristhole Paelin”). Has porn finally gone too far?! I’m sure Palin thinks so, but this is just another example of the negative side of putting your family in the limelight (and People magazine). As for the mother/daughter theme, this is hardly new. Porn with incestuous themes are pretty common—I’ve seen (and by “seen” I mean, uh, glimpsed, not watched) porn where two actresses, playing mother/daughter, sisters, etc. schtoop each other. I’ve even seen some twin porn and what’s icky about that is that it’s hard to fake identical twins. [AVN.com]

British sexpert, Bettina Arndt, asked 100 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives for a year. In her experience, spicing things up can really solve any problems in the bedroom and that’s what she was hoping to prove. While she expected to read some salacious tales of romantic rendezvous, what she got really put the love in love life. People bared their souls and divulged their deepest, darkest feelings — wait, men have feelings?! Just kidding! Arndt has just published her findings in The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Soft And Other Bedroom Battles based on what the couples wrote in their journals. It sounds like the perfect summer read, but if you’re like us circa high school, you’d rather skim the Cliff’s Notes. Here are eight reasons why couples stop having sex. [Daily Mail]

This week I got a letter from a teeny bopper, who just can’t seem to “She Bop,” if you know what I mean. She wrote:

I’m 19, have never had a boyfriend, and am still a virgin.
 I’m not coming to you for relationship advice; the way I see it I don’t need a man right now. The thing is, as I’m sure you know, sex dominates culture. Just because I’ve never done it doesn’t mean I haven’t heard stories, and it’s made me pretty damn horny. I’m kind of curious about masturbation, but I feel like I’m just doing it wrong. Nothing seems to really get me there. Do you have advice for a beginner like me?

Well, honey, even a ho like me will tell you that there’s no rush to lose your virginity—especially if you’ haven’t orgasmed on your own first! Lettin’ some dude sock it to you before you know how to get off isn’t gonna do it for ya. No man is that good. You’ve got to take your O into your own hands!  You’ve got to solve, or rather diddle, your own ecstasy riddle. So, all that work you’ve been doing feeling around down there, even if it hasn’t finished the job, is a good start! Now here’s how you can take yourself all the way home.

“Hi Kristen, I have a problem that I think many women might have. I am a little embarrassed to have my boyfriend see me completely nude.  To me my body seems just average I guess, nothing spectacular and certainly not one I would call sexy. However, my guy likes to see me undress and worse, likes to have the lights on during sex! To be fair to him, he has never made a negative comment about my body. On the contrary he seems to like it!  I can’t help but wonder though, what is he really thinking when he sees me naked!”——-Callie

What’s he really thinking when he sees you nude? Two words: eye candy. And quite honestly Callie, he’s more than likely not thinking at all! Continue reading...

We’re written about dog sex toys before and didn’t think we’d ever have the opportunity to write about them again, but, well, SURPRISE! The thing about this particular doggy sex doll, made by Brazilian pet toy company Petsmiling, is that it’s, uh, anatomically correct. The doll is described by the company as “a female canine manufactured in soft rubber with a silicone vagina and an easy to clean reservoir.” Two thoughts. 1) How sexist! Where is the boy version? 2) Not even the most insane pet lover like myself would be cool with cleaning out that “reservoir.” They should really make one that is dishwasher safe, amiright?! [Paw Prints Magazine via BuzzFeed]

This week, I got a letter from a lady who is wondering if she can let her date play Moses and part the Red Sea.

“I have recently been flirting with an old hookup and we have both been hinting at wanting to rekindle the affair. We live in different cities, and he is coming to visit this weekend and I have a suspicion that we’ll be having sex.  Unfortunately, my period is due to come on Friday!  How do I go about having sex during my period without getting everything messy and/or grossing both of us out? I read that you can have sex while wearing the Instead Cup, so I’m totally on that one and hope it works!”—
Fantastic Timing

According to a new study by Trojan condoms, the average American has sex 84 times a year. Just to put it in perspective, that’s seven dozen donuts, two sets of dominoes to get up, the number of keys you can tickle on a piano, and double the age of silver fox Anderson Cooper—that’s how much ass the average person gets. And 73 percent of dudes and 53 percent of women say they still want more. Hey, join the club! I have to say, 84 doesn’t seem so bad to single-gal me. Sheesh, all this “research” is making me wonder, did the magical penis fairy forget me? Or is this a clever ploy by a condom company to get me to slut it up? Either way, I was downright surprised by how much everyone around me said they’re getting it. How much sex are you having, Frisky readers? Give it up in the comments. Also, let me know how you handle all the chaffing. Note to self: Quit everything to make enough time for sex. I will not be outdone by my fellow Americans! Apparently, it’s my patriotic right to be satisfied. [Seattle Pi]

In a weird twist of fate, I came to inherit a collection of pornographic novels from the ‘60s. Among these books, however, were some, ahem, “educational materials,” including The Art of Erotic Seduction (1967), by the notable psychiatrist Dr. Albert Ellis (pictured), a book aimed at young boys on the topic of getting into ladies’ pants. Throughout, Ellis explains—in hilarious detail and outdated (now) language—makeout tactics, the logic behind the female psyche (ha!), and eventually, how to engage her in “soul kissing.” Here, some passages to entertain.

Buffin’ the muffin. Tiptoeing through the two lips. Five knuckle gusset shuffle. Coochie cuddling. And, if you’re Irish, Tickling me Elmo. We all do it and we all have our favorite euphemisms for it—so why can’t we talk about it?