“What’s the best way to exit an awkward morning-after?”—Pullin’ The Slip in Akron, OH

Planning a hit and run? The best way to get out of dodge is usually the most obvious. Tell your boy-toy you’ve got plans. If it’s a weekday, tell him you’ve got an early work meeting. If it’s a weekend, tell him you’ve got brunch plans with your girlfriends. If you’re not into this guy, be sure you don’t sugarcoat the goodbye speech, or you could get a stage-five clinger. Try not to say things like, “I’ve got to go, but I really want you to call me.” Or, “I’ve got to run but I’d love to see what our kids would look like.” If he tries to ask for your number on the way out and you don’t want to talk to him again, use the same line girls have been hearing for years: tell him you had a really nice time last night, but you’re just getting over somebody and aren’t ready to start something new. You might break his little heart…but at least you won’t have to break your phone.

Got a burning question for our amazingly wise Nookie Know-It-All? Email it to sexpert@thefrisky.com. Don’t worry, we’ll keep your deets between us.

“Can you really not get preggers if you have sex on the last days of your period?”—Hating Condoms, Cleveland, OH

How many times have you heard an “Oops” story? Every Christmas there’s always that relative that drinks too much eggnog and says something like, “You know, Larry was a mistake. We were done having kids. We wanted to go to Bermuda.” I’m sure if Larry was a lawyer and not still living with his mother, she wouldn’t say that. But you get my drift.

“My boyfriend put on a long blonde wig for Halloween and it really turned me on.  Am I a lesbian, or do I just like Fabio-look-alikes?”—Bodice Ripping, San Francisco, CA

Funny you should ask. I’m lying in bed with my laptop (I’ve got “the cramps”) and I was just watching my boyfriend jokingly show off his legs to me. He’s honestly got the best legs I’ve ever seen (for a guy OR a girl), and now I want to dress him up like a girl and do him. Am I a lesbian?? The thought of going down on a girl does nothing for me, so I’ll take a wild guess and say no. I’ll go ahead and say the same for you. Women are just hot, and I think when we catch glimpses of “womanly” things we tend to get aroused by them. I think it also has to do with a certain “control factor.” It’s human nature to view women as submissive creatures. So when you see your boyfriend in a more volatile role (dressed as a woman), I think it’s normal to want to dominate and get turned on by the thought of it.

And no…it’s not a Fabio thing either. Unless you’re obese and have socialization issues. In which case, I’m sorry.

“My boyfriend and I feel the need to have sex at most apartment/house parties that we go to. Is this weird? And what are some of the best ways to pull it off without getting caught?”—Party Crashing, Dallas, TX

This is kind of like my need to do a number two at people’s parties. It’s a christening of sorts. Or, simply a marking of territory. But even though I’m the resident “sexpert”, I can honestly tell you I’ve never had sex with a guy at a party. With that said, I don’t think you’re weird. I actually want to know what kind of parties you’re going to where you can find space to have sex. I live in NYC, so the parties I’m invited to usually involve a studio apartment and an oven in the closet. The closest I ever got to “doing it” was changing a tampon in the bathroom.

My advice? The larger the party the better. The larger the house the better. If you want to be discreet, go into an unoccupied room and lock the door. Worse case somebody knocks on the door and then you stop. I think if you’re having sex at parties in the first place, a part of you wants to get caught. That’s why I poop with the door open.

What are some easy steps to having a threesome where no one gets hurt?—Menage A Trois, Greenwich, CT

You’d think there’d be a Threesome for Dummies or Emily Post’s Guide to Entertaining Your Third Party…but alas, there’s not. Instead, you’ve got me.

Do guys REALLY care if you aren’t waxed or shaved down there?—Razor Ready, Virginia Beach, VA

I think women’s vaginas are like men’s faces. You’ve basically got three options: The clean-shaven, the week’s worth of stubble, or the mountain-man variety. At the end of the day, it’s all about preference. You might like your man with a baby-smooth face. He might want you to look like a tumble weed and call him mommy during sex. The bottom line is, everybody is different.

Whatever option you go with, I think it’s safe to say your landscaping habits are not going to prevent guys from having sex with you. As long as a guy doesn’t need a degree in bushwhacking to date you, I’m pretty sure you’ll get lucky.

Is it possible for a woman to have a vaginal-only orgasm—no clitoral stimulation at all?—Wondering About The Big O, Dallas, TX

Well, the answer is SOME women can. A vaginal orgasm is triggered by stimulation of the infamous “G-spot,” located on the upper/front vaginal wall, behind the urethra (think of it as facing the stomach). Up until recently, it was thought that all women might have one. Now, the debate seems to be settled. With the help of ultrasounds, researchers recently found that not all women possess this magical spot. In a group study, the G-spot area was significantly thicker in women who claimed to have vaginal orgasms, and invisible in women who did not.

So, the cause of this? Well, it seems to be genetics. So blame (or thank) your Mom for your lack of vaginal orgasm, not your boyfriend.

What is the deal with HPV? Can guys get it? How can I prevent getting the infection? Does it ever go away?—Curious Hypochondriac in Chicago, IL

The Human Papilloma Virus is basically a group of viruses that include different strains and types. Roughly 30 of these viruses are sexually transmitted, and can infect the genital area of men and women.
Some stats, after the jump…

Do you have any handy tips to avoid drunk dialing/texting? I always wake up soooo regretful!—Bad Judgment, St. Louis, MI

Do you know why it’s against the law to drive while drunk? Or why you were forced to watch those high school specials that showed some kid/dog/old person getting pummeled by a drunk driver? It’s because drinking makes you act like a total idiot on the road. You weave in and out of lanes, burn your butt on cigarette ashes, and drop mini cheeseburgers on your lap. If you’re not allowed to get behind the wheel, do you think you’re allowed to talk on the phone? No need to raise your hand…the answer is NO.

Sometimes I wonder whether having “dealbreakers” just ruins your chances of finding someone because you’re limiting who you’ll even consider. Catherine Townsend, a sex writer in England, has a list of the top 10 dating don’ts—though she goes on to say that you shouldn’t date anyone who drives a Porsche or can’t dance. If none of us dated non-dancers, wouldn’t we all be sitting at home watching Ugly Betty every night?

While doing publicity for Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium, Dustin Hoffman started going off about topics that don’t seem to mesh with the movie’s G rating. He discussed how to teach kids about sex and even asked a female reporter how often she thinks about doing it. Here’s a snippet of his insights into what he would be like if he were a woman: “One of the things I always used to say is that if I had a vagina, I would have been much more selective. But this thing called a penis is like taking a dog for a walk.” We don’t really get what he means, but we do know that Dustin’s penis also tried to play matchmaker for his son—he apparently tried to hook him up with costar Natalie Portman. Dads can be sooooo annoying! [Sydney Morning Herald]