If you’ve got $25,000 burning a whole in your pocket—and frankly, who doesn’t in this economy—I’ve got the perfect way for you to spend it. No, not by giving it to me, though that would be cool too. You should put in a bid on eBay to win a dinner for five with Sarah and Todd Palin. The auction will start next Tuesday, and bidding will begin at $25K. The proceeds from the auction will go to Ride 2 Recovery, a charity for wounded veterans. If you bid, just hope that Sarah and Todd stay together long enough to make it to your swinging soiree.

If the thought of having dinner with the Palins makes you want to scream, perhaps you’d prefer to bid $7,500 on a lunch with Karl Rove? Anyone? [CNN]

The Vanity Fair “Me and Mrs. Palin” article by Levi Johnston—which he appears to not have “written” so much as dictated to the editors—is the juiciest, gooeyiest, gossipiest smear I’ve ever sunk my teeth into. Did you know Sarah Palin wanted her and the First Dude to secretly adopt Bristol and Levi’s baby, Tripp, so no one would know her teen daughter had been pregnant?!?! Or that Cindy McCain offered to let Bristol and Levi marry at the White House if McCain won?!?! Allegedly.

But beneath all the gossip that supports the theory that, yes, these chuckleheads and their hunting gear are just as ridic as we’ve always thought they were, Levi (and the Vanity Fair editors who approved his piece) tells another story: Sarah Palin is a bad mother and wife. As much as I dislike the Alaskan ex-governor’s character as a politician, that particular story is not one that’s fair to tell.

And he also spills the beans. In the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair, Levi Johnston says that there wasn’t much parenting in the Palin household, that Sarah wanted to keep Bristol’s pregnancy a secret and then adopt the child when it was born, and that she quit her job as governor so she could make triple the money writing a book. Do we believe him? Maybe. Regardless, it will make for a very entertaining read! [Vanity Fair]

Sure, Levi Johnston is easy on the eyes, but can the hockey hunk write? We’re guessing probably not. Why, then, is Vanity Fair publishing a piece by Levi titled “Me And Sarah Palin” when there are real journalists who would die for a byline in the national magazine? Clearly, Levi is dumb as rocks, but his handlers have brilliantly steered him off-course from D-list celebrity nude pix doom to the respectable pages of VF. Levi’s cover story is not online yet, so we have to wait for whatever fresh angle Bristol Palin‘s baby daddy could possibly cast on Alaska’s ex-guv. But we already know she’s shady as hell, alright? [Vanity Fair]

Sarah Palin has some crafty supporters. Now that she’s out of the governor’s mansion, Palin is required to disclose a list of any gifts she received since December 1, 2008, worth more than $250. Some of the highlights:

• A gun case with her name embroidered on it from a woman in Tennessee.
• A painted plate of Sarah’s noggin from a stoneware studio in Kansas.
• Two handmade army flags from a woman in New Jersey.
• A glass elephant pendant from a woman in California.
• A blanket with the words “The Special Child” cross-stitched into it from a woman in Texas.
• A handmade Bible with a goatskin case.

Uh, is it just me, or does none of this stuff sound like it could possibly be valued at more than $20? [CNN Political Ticker]

I bet no one saw this coming: Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s grandbaby-daddy, admits that he’d totally pose naked for the right price. “It depends on the money, man,” he says from his hometown of Wasilla, Alaska in a Skype interview with Bravo’s Andy Cohen. Any chance the “right price” could come from a gay publication? Cohen reminds Levi he’s become somewhat of a “gay pin-up boy.” And since he escorted gay icon Kathy Griffin to the Teen Choice Awards last week and then appeared with her in a hilarious segment on “Larry King Live” the next night, we bet his gay following has only quadrupled in the last few days. “I think it’s great, man,” Levi says. “Um, I just like my fans. Just another person.”

Here’s something I can give Sarah Palin credit for: She is not a poseur. When she stepped down as governor of Alaska, she kindly relinquished her Twitter handle, @AKGovSarahPalin. Her final tweet read, “Last state twitter. Thank you Alaska! I love you. God bless Alaska. God bless the U.S.A.” Then, silence.

Since, Sarah has taken to long-form writing on her Facebook page, going on and on in footnoted posts about how Obama’s proposed health-care plan would have babies like Trig face “death panels.” (Huh?) But let’s face it. Even Sarah’s fans don’t want more than 140 characters of her musings. So, thank goodness Sarah has set up a new Twitter feed: @SarahPalinUSA. She has yet to tweet a single character, but here are our predictions as to what she’ll tweet.

Ahh, humpday. Time to woman-up for the remainder of the week and take solace in the fact that while you have to be at work, the only people that care to gossip about you are hovering around the water cooler pointing at you right now. You could be famous and getting pummeled by the rumor mill on a weekly basis! Here are the highlights from the tabloids this week.

Well, it was bound to happen. Porn company Lethal Hardcore Video has spoofed the Sarah Palin/David Letterman feud for a flick called, ahem, “F**k My Mom and Me.” In the dirty movie, “Letterman” has sexual relations with both the former Governor (“Sara Paelin”) and her daughter (“Bristhole Paelin”). Has porn finally gone too far?! I’m sure Palin thinks so, but this is just another example of the negative side of putting your family in the limelight (and People magazine). As for the mother/daughter theme, this is hardly new. Porn with incestuous themes are pretty common—I’ve seen (and by “seen” I mean, uh, glimpsed, not watched) porn where two actresses, playing mother/daughter, sisters, etc. schtoop each other. I’ve even seen some twin porn and what’s icky about that is that it’s hard to fake identical twins. [AVN.com]

• Sarah Palin is on the war path – the former Alaskan Governor is not only NOT getting divorced, she is now threatening to sue the Alaskan blogger “Gryphen” who posted the divorce rumor unless he posts a retraction/apology. Gryphen refused. [Extra TV] Seriously Sarah, this is not the first person to post a rumor about you on their blog.
• Michael Jackson’s mother Katherine now has full custody over her son’s three children. A California judge made the announcement after 79-year-old Katherine and Debbie Rowe came to an agreement over the kids’ custody. [CNN] - I just hope the kids can have a more normal life with granny.
• In a recent interview for the September issue of Vanity Fair, Farrah Fawcett’s former lover Ryan O’Neal confessed to hitting on his own daughter Tatum “on accident” at Farrah’s funeral. [Tres Sugar] Gross enough that it was his own daughter, but hitting on anyone at the funeral of a former girlfriend is just so wrong.

• Ali Larter and Hayes MacArthur were wed at his family’s estate in Kennebunkport, ME, on Saturday. [People]—That’s fabulous! There’s something I always liked about Ali.
• Survivor and The Amazing Race‘s Rob Mariano and Amber Brkich welcomed a baby girl this weekend. [People]
• Mark Wahlberg married the mother of his three children, Rhea Durham, in Beverly Hills Saturday. [Dlisted]—Um, it’s about time.

We’ve never heard of this website AlaskaReport.com, so when they posted on Saturday that Sarah and Todd Palin were on the train bound for Divorceville, we didn’t know what to think. The site claimed that marriage issues were what led Sarah to make her abrupt exit as governor, and that Alaska’s first couple barely spoke before or after Sarah’s resignation speech last weekend. They also claimed that a Palin staffer confirmed the couple was dunzo, and that Sarah had stopped wearing her wedding ring. Oh, and that Sarah had bought some land in Montana, where she’s considering moving with the kids. [Alaska Report]

It took less than a few hours for the Palin camp to chime in. A spokesman posted a message on Sarah’s Facebook account saying, “Yet again, some so-called journalists have decided to make up a story. There is no truth to the recent ‘story’ (and story is the correct term for this type of fiction) that the Palins are divorcing,” read the post. “The Palins remain married [and] committed to each other and their family.” [New York Daily News]

Several folks have noted that Sarah Palin‘s words kinda sound like poetry. But William Shatner seems to believe that on a whole ‘nother lever. On Monday night, Shatner did a spoken word performance as only the master of sexy slow talk can do, and on Wednesday’s Conan O’Brien, he recited some of Palin’s tweets, proving he needed no more than 140 words to create a performance masterpiece. Oh, oh. I hope this obsession leads to romance. I would vote Palin for president if William Shatner were her vice president slash lovah. More after the jump…

• Sarah Palin‘s henchmen are rumored to be asking radio syndicators if they’re interested in giving the perky ex-gov an on-air gig. [Inside Radio] — Coming soon, “The Rush Limbaugh & Sarah Palin” show? Oh my.
• Scott Roeder, the anti-choice extremist accused of murdering Wichita abortion doctor George Tiller, has plead not guilty. If convicted, Roeder faces life in prison. [NPR]— Don’t miss last weekend’s incredibly detailed New York Times cover story about Dr. Tiller’s life and death.

Will the adult movie spoofs ever end? We think not. Now that Porn Valley has spoofed “The Cosby Show,” Sarah Palin’s career, and Lindsay Lohan’s life, they’re tackling the realty TV dating trainwreck that is “Rock of Love” with the aptly titled “Crock of Love.” Starring Evan Stone, the porn star who appeared in that XXX-clip that “accidentally” aired during the Super Bowl, as Brüte Michaels, viewers will witness “rose ceremonies, bitchy girl fights, emotional testimonials and fame-hungry women baring their souls (among other things) as they try to scratch, claw and sleep their way into Brüte’s life.” Sounds about right. Release date is Aug. 4—if you’re, uh, into that sort of thing.

A few months back, a Slate writer crafted Sarah Palin’s speeches into poetry. Since it’s Govenor Palin’s last day in office next week, we thought there was no better way to celebrate her departure, er, tremendous service to the great state of Alaska, than with her own poetic words. After reading her poem, it should be obvious why she resigned—she’s clearly destined to become the next Maya Angelou. Click on for one of her finest pieces, On Good and Evil, which she dictated to Katie Couric during an interview on “CBS News” on September 25, 2008. [Slate]

Between her double-digit ethics complaints, her unpredictable behavior, and actually, her behavior in general, we’re not the biggest Sarah Palin fans around. But this week’s New York magazine really made us think about how gleeful we’d felt when we read in Vanity Fair that some people believe her to be a clinical narcissist. Several members of the McCain campaign, independent of each other, told a reporter they had researched the clinical definition for “narcissistic personality disorder” after clocking in some hours with Mrs. P. Ah-ha!, we thought. That explains everything.

Even Joe the Plumber can’t help her now! Sarah Palin has been slapped with her eighteenth ethics complaint. This one says Sarah didn’t turn over her duties as governor while she was running for VP, which she is supposed to do according to the state constitution. She also continued to accept a salary and even used her state staff to campaign outside Alaska. [Huffington Post]

Check out some of the other interesting ethics complaints Sarah has faced, after the jump.

Sarah Palin must have pulled some serious strings to get her op-ed published in today’s Washington Post. Usually the respected paper only prints actual news, but, hey, free speech? You’d probably assume that given the past two weeks of her life, Sarah would be writing about her abrupt resignation. Nope. In an effort to show off her brain power, Alaska’s soon-to-be-former governor offered her “insight” into President Obama’s cap-and-trade energy plan. Too bad Palin’s op-ed piece reads like a simplistic version of Martin Feldstein’s op-ed analysis of the energy plan the Post ran over a month ago, except Martin goes into much more detail.

Ann Curry interviewed Levi Johnston on “The Today Show” this morning, giving his take on the current Sarah Palin situation. Why? Because he’s an expert, of course!