I am not afraid to say, that it was Paula Abdul’s “Opposites Attract” that taught me my first lesson in love; if he takes the bed, and she steals the covers, they must be a match made in relationship heaven. According to Paula, a relationship could, and would, flourish if lovers found themselves on opposing sides of the Myers Briggs Indicator.

Living in an industry town, more often than not, I have found myself in the throes of passion with a like-minded comedy-writer Democrat who favors savory snacks over sweet desserts. And most of those relationships have ended in embittered feuds over (I’ll admit) “who is funnier.”

As my mother likes to say, two spoiled brats cannot inhabit the same relationship.

So as I set off on my quest to find my mate of soul, he who encompasses all things different from me, I must first understand how different is too different? What are the differences that will allow a relationship to blossom in the sunshine of love? And what are the ones that will make it rain—creating a thunderstorm of the he-said-she-said-i-hate-you variety?

When your relationship is full of drama created by his mama, the road to romance can feel like a traffic jam – with her in the driver’s seat. Puzzled as to why when he’s around his mother, your man acts more like a boy? Below, Debra Mandel, Ph.D., author of “Dump That Chump: From Doormat to Diva in Only Nine Steps-A Guide to Getting Over Mr. Wrong”, answers this and some additional commonly-asked questions concerning men who aren’t yet ready to make someone other than mama number one in their lives.

Color me cynical ladies, but let’s face it—no matter how great your relationship might be going at the moment, chances are it’s going to end. And while breaking up is never pleasant, why make the inevitable anymore painful than it has to be? Since there are very few “great” ways to dump a man, we’re going to list all the ways you shouldn’t go about kicking your once-loved to the curb:

If three (or four, five or six) is beginning to become a crowd in your relationship, it’s time to take action. While you can never make your boyfriend give up his friends, nudging them out of his life is well within your power. According to Janette Barber, author of the best-selling book “Breaking the Rules, Last Ditch Tactics for Landing the Man of Your Dreams”, all it takes to make your man break ties with his annoying pals is your showing him their true colors. “And if for some odd reason that fails,” she says, “there are always ways to drive them away!” For strategies on how to show your guy’s most irksome friends the door, read on…

I think everyone can agree that a long-term relationship falls into a pattern after that initial getting-to-know-you excitement stage. And while that can be comforting, predictable and secure, it can also be boring for the same reasons. As each person is going through the regular course of their daily lives, it can be easy to take your relationship—and your partner—for granted.

There is that scene in Bridget Jones’ Diary, where, Bridge (as she’s called) lies on her couch, pajama-clad, bottle of vodka clutched tightly in hand bemoaning the fate of an untimely death for a single person. She worries that if she were to die, alone in her apartment, it is likely that someone may find her decomposing body three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian. 

I too fear the fate of an untimely “single” death. I imagine my distraught mother, overcome with grief, forced to go through my things. Her sadness only magnified as she discovers the true, mind-blowing total of my credit card debt, and then the small stash of “emergency” illicit prescription drugs in my bedside table. I can see her coming to the realization that I’m not the daughter she imagined, but her image of me will truly be shattered when she opens the drawer that I use to store both my vibrators and my financial statements.  I can just see the horror pass over her face, as she realizes that her daughter was not only a bit too sexually adventurous, but also was unfamiliar with exactly what a 401K is.

Lord knows that there are a lot of wacky people running out there, and for some annoying reason women get slammed (unfairly, if you ask me) with the crazy card more often than men. However, sometimes (not often, but sometimes) maybe the name-callers have a point. Some of us can be kind of kooky. I’m not talking about whimsically cute eccentricities; I’m speaking of full-on lunatic behavior.

Maybe you’ve been labeled a little odd or a tad touched. No shame in that—hey, let she without issues cast the first stone—but most likely you don’t want your sanity shortcomings to be the first impression you make upon a new date. For this reason, you should, at all costs, avoid going down the following roads for at least the first three dates:

• “My therapist says. . .” Unless he’s your full-on boyfriend, beginning any sentence with those three words will cause a man to make a mad dash for the hills. Yes, even if he’s in therapy himself. At worst, he’ll think you’re crazy; at best, he’ll think you’re the type of gal who’s going to require a lot of “talks.” Neither impression bodes well for your future relationship.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have a dilemma…My boyfriend has a career. OK, so you’re probably grumbling to yourself, “I can think of at least 10 things worst than that.” But did I tell you it’s a music career?

Yes, my guy is one of a few trying to change the direction of hip hop, so we never have to hear crap like “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” ever again. I’m really proud of him for fighting this uphill battle, but I can’t help feeling a little jealous or disappointed when his career comes before me, like when he deejays EVERY Friday night.

The unholy trinity of Photoshop, spell check and the Internet mean that even the most illiterate, personality-deficient, hideous troll can land a first date, much to a lady’s disappointment. Landing a second date is the tricky bit, so when you realize you’d like to never see this guy again, there are some tried and true strategies to assure that he decides the first date is also the last.

The other day, I was telling some stupid story about something ridiculous that happened in college and since my ex-boyfriend was integral to the story, I mentioned that he was there. It gave me some pause because I realized that my exes come up a lot. I don’t think I’m unnaturally obsessed with them, but I’m also not going to sacrifice the punchline to a good story just because I’m scared it’s going to upset my current beau. (Also, I know he’s going to be okay with these mentions, because, duh, he realizes that I’m totally not hung up on these dudes.) Funny thing, though. My boy Andy rarely mentioned his ex-girlfriends. At most, he’ll be like, “Yeah, I’ve been to North Carolina. Asheville’s amazing.” And I have to say, “Who were you with, [insert name of one of his exes]?” Which he either confirms or denies, depending on his mood.

We’ve both hit the point that we know what’s in the past is in the past and not necessarily affecting what we have. But I do wonder if I should be more prudent about my hilarious ex-boyfriend stories. Because even though he doesn’t care, I’m sure he also doesn’t really want to know.