Another day, another thing that’s “bad for women.” This time it’s emo vampires. Slate’s Grady Hendrix writes:

America’s young women [are] receiving troubling misinformation about the male of the species from “Twilight.” These women are going to be shocked when the sensitive, emotionally available, poetry-writing boys of their dreams expect a bit more from a sleepover than dew-eyed gazes and chaste hugs.

Whatever. Why is there always so much hand-wringing over the pop culture influences that are supposedly awful for women? What about men? I can think of plenty of pop culture trends that could be just as harmless to them. Here are 15 to start…

Will the adult movie spoofs ever end? We think not. Now that Porn Valley has spoofed “The Cosby Show,” Sarah Palin’s career, and Lindsay Lohan’s life, they’re tackling the realty TV dating trainwreck that is “Rock of Love” with the aptly titled “Crock of Love.” Starring Evan Stone, the porn star who appeared in that XXX-clip that “accidentally” aired during the Super Bowl, as Brüte Michaels, viewers will witness “rose ceremonies, bitchy girl fights, emotional testimonials and fame-hungry women baring their souls (among other things) as they try to scratch, claw and sleep their way into Brüte’s life.” Sounds about right. Release date is Aug. 4—if you’re, uh, into that sort of thing.

A hot, naked, blonde woman caught on tape. A lot of straight men don’t need to hear anything more. Sold.

But what if we find out the video was filmed without the knowledge of the unwitting star? What if it’s a super creepy invasion of privacy?

Same reaction, apparently. Yeah, the grossest part of this whole Erin Andrews story—the pretty, blonde ESPN sports reporter who was recorded naked in her hotel room through a peephole—isn’t that some creep made a peeping Tom video. It’s how so many people, knowing Andrews didn’t consent to being filmed, still wanted to watch it.

Yesterday, we suggested to you some sexy, pornographic reads from the Victorian Era. In today’s installment of alternative ways to get your porn: sleazy 60s novels. These series started flourishing just as sexual morals were finally loosening up—when Elvis captured America’s heart (and loins), and Nabokov’s Lolita was finally accepted as a non-pornographic work. While there are a bevy of options out there, the titles from Liverpool Library Press are particularly raunchy (and hilarious). Far from being politically correct, the quick reads feature titles like The Panty Salesman, Family Love, and The Unholy Master. Yet those are tame in comparison to some of the downright offensive ones like Nazi Joy Camp, Apache Vengeance, Rape Riot, and A Family Sandwich. Okay, fine, maybe these are more hilarious than they are seductive.

While they’re out of print, you can still get your hands on copies via used and vintage booksellers. After the jump, some excerpts.

We hear about relationships torn apart by internet porn addiction, but where are the support groups for smut-loving women like me, who suddenly and inexplicably get turned off by porn when they fall in love?  Before I met my boyfriend, I was visiting youporn.com about a half an hour a day, hunting through dozens of clips to find the one most perfectly calibrated to turn me on.

If we want to get turned on and don’t have a man around, we can put on a dirty movie, magazine, or “art” book. But what do blind people do? There are erotic audiobooks, but they’re mostly read without much emotion by a single person. Lud Romano saw that this market was under-served in erotic material and began producing recorded “plays.”

After seeing “Bruno,” one of my male friends went on a 5-minute rant about how penises in movies are always played for laughs. In his opinion, the nudity law of cinema is that when a woman’s naked, it’s completely serious or titillating, but when a peen pops up on screen, it’s meant to be hilarious. He repeatedly asked the question—why?

Hustler, who brought you “Nailin’ Paylin” and The XXX Cosby Show featuring The F**kstables, has finally spoofed another pop culture coochie: Lindsay Lohan. While LiLo used to be one of the hardest working girls in show business, now it seems she can’t even get a role playing herself in a porno! Although, maybe this adult movie has finally figured out the timeless Hollywood career question, “Who Do I Have To Blow To Get A Job Around Here?” Answer: Samantha Ronson, Scarlett Johansson, Paris Hilton, and porn king of peens, Ron Jeremy. Hm, we think they forgot top dog producer Harvey Weinstein....

Fascinating topic on “The Tyra Show” today—gay for pay porn actors! In the clip above, Tyra asks a married father of three why he prefers to, ahem, receive presents rather than give them. TyTy has such a knack for making XXX subject matter seem G-rated.

Not that pornos are exactly known for their profound plot lines, but as more people prefer to get off online, “scripts” and “acting” in porn videos and DVDs are being replaced by more raunchtastic sex. In probably the lamest complaint ever, porn stars are whining that adult video production companies are losing the storyline by tailoring to online technology. Gone are the days of 1970s favorites like “Deep Throat” and the 2005 hit “Pirates.” Now porn production companies are catering to viewers by making shorter, more easily downloadable clips and using themes or mini-plots to tie the disparate pieces together, like “Girls ‘n Glasses” produced by New Sensations. We’ve always thought porn plots were pretty amusing, so we don’t know if we’re excited about this change. Also, what about all those porn stars hoping that their work will launch them into a mainstream acting career? Wait, has that happened to anyone besides Sasha Grey? Regardless, if you’re a true “movie buff” then don’t miss “2040” by Digital Playground. The company’s president told the NY Times “2040” is “an almost Romeo-and-Juliet story between an aging porn star and a cyborg.” Sounds like a real tearjerker. [NY Times]

Oh, look how cute, little Jimmy, on his class trip! Hey, look at Suzy raising her hand in class! Uhhh, is that Miss Defanti? What is she doing? Why yes, kids, that is your fifth-grade teacher lying naked in bed with her legs spread wide open. Crystal Defanti, a fifth-grade teacher from Sacramento, California, gave her twenty-five students a DVD to take home at the end of the school year. The DVD showed a years worth of class activities….but also an eight-second clip of her lying naked with her legs spread. All a huge horrifying mistake (for everyone involved—imagine having to explain to your fifth-grader what she was doing?), the teacher hadn’t realized that her homemade sex video was on the tape and called the families hysterically the next morning, sobbing, apologizing and asking them to stop any further students from viewing it. Beyond mortifying. 

We already told you about “Not The Cosby Show XXX”, “Celebrity Pornhab with Dr. Screw”, “Keeping It Up With The Kard-ASS-ians”, “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX”, and reports on the trend of porn companies like Hustler Video looking to television for inspiration, writing:

The twist now is going the extra mile to invest projects with better production values that actually have scripts and genuinely resemble the source material. There are stories, plots and even sex-free versions to accentuate the parody—however incongruous that might sound—on Blu-ray editions.

Uh, sex free versions? Now what’s the point of THAT? [Variety]

Does anyone else thinks it’s crazy that China has gone apes**t on the porn industry? Yes, porn has been illegal in China since 1949, and there were big old crackdowns on “spiritual pollution” in the 1980s. But recently, the government decided to really get down and dirty with the industry. In 2002, they passed a law whereby censors can look at normal folks’ emails and websites to make sure there was no questionable content involved. Then in 2005, the government locked up Chen Hui, the creator of China’s biggest porn site, and sentenced him to life in prison. In May, the government shut down Love Land, a sex-themed amusement park, before it even opened. Last week, the government started blocking Google on some computers because, well, it’s obviously the portal to sin. Starting on Wednesday, every single computer sold in China will automatically have software installed to keep the owner from surfing for or downloading porn.

• Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick’s twin daughters were born yesterday via a surrogate. The babies’ names are Marion Loretta Elwell Broderick and Tabitha Hodge Broderick. [Quickies]—That first name sucks ass, even if it has familial significance.
• Mattel is releasing “Twilight” dolls in the likeness of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson’s characters, Bella Swan and Edward Cullen. [Perez Hilton]—OK, Kristen officially has to give up her I’m-so-awkward-I’m-cool shtick because nothing spells conformity like M-A-T-T-E-L.
• How did Tanner P. from “The Bachelorette” know that Jillian’s feet were “softer than s**t?” [E! Online]—I guess he’s had a ton of crap in his life.

This Sunday, June 28, at 10 p.m., HBO is premiering a new show, “Hung.” Guess what it’s about? A guy who turns to prostitution to make a living. Step aside, “Belle de Jour.” Get out of here, “The Girlfriend Experience.” Call-girls are, like, so 2008. 2009 is all about guys who sell their bodies to make ends meet. The dramatic comedy stars Thomas Jane as Ray Drecker, an all-star high school athlete who ends up as a high school basketball coach whose wife dumps him for her dermatologist. Casting about for something to do with his life and make some money, Drecker takes note of his well-endowed physique and sets about renting it out by the hour. Uh, “The Sopranos” it ain’t. It’s “Boogie Nights” meets the recession! Are you going to tune in or tune it out?

“Hi, Honey!” I said as I poked my head out from the kitchen. “How was the gangbang at the bowling alley?” My husband swung through the front door lugging film equipment.

“Pretty whatever,” he said. “Four massive dudes and two roller girls.”

We were newlyweds. Ours was not your typical greeting.

By now we know the three bodacious babes known as he Kardashian sisters are more than a little difficult to keep up with. But Hustler has found a way to do it: exploitation. They’ve lined up a trio of beautiful—and busty—brunettes for a classy new DVD called “Keeping It Up for the Kard-ASS-ians.” If the title isn’t clever enough for you, the tag line has to be! “Their name? Infamous. Their lifestyle? Privileged. Their M.O? To be the biggest sluts possible.” The film, which is already a hit on the web, is available in DVD or Blu Ray for a modest $41.99. Hustler would have been right on the cutting edge if Kim herself hadn’t beat them to the punch with her home-spun porn classic featuring Ray J.
 

Have you been tested lately? California health officials announced yesterday that an actress in the porn industry has been diagnosed with HIV––just another reminder to be safe when you’re having fun in bed. This is the first publicized case of HIV from the industry since 2004 (although the California health records show 22 HIV cases total since 2004). According to Steven Hirsch, an executive at Vivid Entertainment Group, the adult film industry has pumped out over 100,000 films since 2004 (whoa that’s an insane amount of porn), so having this few cases shows how successful the health practices have been in the business. While actors are required to be tested within 30 days of doing a shoot, and HIV cases have been very low, the Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation reports that approximately 15 actors every week test positive for other infections. I will stop with the scary statistics about the icky infections and just provide you with a little PSA from your mother at The Frisky: use condoms, get tested and have safe fun! [Fox News]

Laaaaaaaaaaaaaa-dies! We’ve got a new porno mag out over in England!

But unfortunately, Filament received a sour review from the Daily Mail, which hissed, “Most of the boys pictured are effeminate and not arousing.”

Indeed, we, too, are flabbergasted with Filament‘s idea of what makes women wet. Apparently it’s skinny boy-men with soft features who either outright look like Rufus Wainwright or look like Rufus groupies. The porn mag’s web site explains Filament relied on both published academic research and their own online research to discover what turns women on and they came up with specifics like “men who are not muscle-bound” and “men with more feminine face shapes.”

No thanks! To each her own, we guess.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back to surfing the Internet, Hustler has announced it’s got yet another adult movie spoofing the life and times of former vice-presidential candidate and governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. When it comes to XXX, Palin moves product, apparently. First, there was “Who’s Nailin’ Paylin?” Then, there was “Obama Is Nailin’ Palin.” (Guess we got that question answered.) Now, the X-rated empire Larry Flynt built is producing “Hollywood’s Nailin’ Palin,” in which, among other surely tawdry deeds, “Sarah Palin” gets it on with “Tina Fey” playing Sarah Palin on “SNL.” It’s all so confusing. In any case, the sure to be, um, fascinating latest homage to the politician who will not go away is set to be released early this summer. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing. By which I mean politics. [Sexaminer]