I first heard the word “labiaplasty” three years ago. Immediately, my interest was piqued. My unruly butterfly wings—otherwise known as my labia—interfered with my sexual activities. Riding a bike for more than 15 minutes? Painful. Camel toe? Obvious. Intercourse? Lube did little to relieve all that smooshing, pulling, stretching, especially when condoms were involved.

And then there were the unsolicited anatomical editorials that I’d received over the years, ranging from the respectfully observant, “You’re very floral,” to the horrifying, “Damn, girl. You got a fat p***y!,” to the complimentary, “Actually, I like it full and lippy ... That’s my thing.”

My birth control is ruining my figure. It’s not so much the extra pounds the Pill has added to my frame—seven pounds, if we’re counting—it’s the extra cleavage that I can’t stand. I know most women would kill for overflowing bra cups. If you’d talked to me twenty years ago, when I was stuffing my bra with gym socks and then admiring my womanly profile in the mirror, I’d have balked at the idea big boobs would be anything other than a gift from God. But that was before my breasts inexplicably grew three cup sizes during my sophomore year of high school, and I became a school-wide, overnight sensation the day I demonstrated my jump-roping skills in gym class. Could there have been anyone more clueless and insensitive to the woes of teenage girlhood than a middle-aged, male gym teacher?

I’m a die-hard “Nip/Tuck” fan. Those LA plastic surgeons and their plastic patients—they’re all so strange. I love this surreal new promotional spot for the upcoming sixth season, which premieres on FX on January 6, 2009. The forthcoming episodes will include guest star Rose McGowan as plastic surgeon Teddy Lowe, reuniting her with her “Charmed” costar, Julian McMahon. If the promo is any forecast of what the sixth season holds—with its synchronized plasticized ladies dancing around with surgical scalpels and syringes—I’ll be tuning in for sure.

According to a Swedish study, three cups of coffee a day will make your boobies go away.  So, in Page Six magazine yesterday, I debated the dilemma with a swimwear buyer for Victoria’s Secret, Courtney Alexander.  I proudly proclaimed I’d skim a little off my bra size to keep my morning pick me up. However, I felt bad for the coffee-and-A-cup-combo pictured with the article, poor lil’ Ashley Olsen. Now, there’s a rumor circulating that Ashley wants a boob job, and is trying to drag Mary Kate under the knife too. Somebody call Uncle Jesse to talk some sense to these babes!

Every cloud has its silver lining and, in this case, that silver is going gray gracefully!  The bottom isn’t just dropping out of the economy, in American’s cases, it’s spilling over pants proudly.  Due to the falling economy, people are willing to let their skin sag rather than pay a plastic surgyeon to fix up their business. Tits, tummies, butts, and faces are going untucked, unsucked, and unenhanced. Across the country, some cosmetic docs have seen a 30% drop in their earnings. “With this latest fiasco [on Wall Street], many are probably down closer to 40 percent,” said Sacramento surgeon and president of the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery, Dr. Patrick McMenamin. Sounds like America is going au natural!  In these tough times, we’re all going to have to work with what we got. [MSNBC]

Fake boobs! Silicone! Everyone’s getting them! So what do average people really think of people who bump up their mammary glands with plastic, saline, and silicone? Watch and find out!

Plastic surgery just isn’t good enough anymore if you want to be an in-demand actor. Image Metrics is literally changing the face of performers through 3-D imaging, and just like a great pair of fake boobs, they’re even better looking than the real thing. The demo is so lifelike, you’ll swear you’ve known the spokesmodel since summer camp. So how do they do it? Amazingly enough, there’s no need for weird wires or funky doo-dads attached to the actor’s face, Image Metrics builds its models off a computer program that scans plain old video. It picks up every subtle movement (and we’d like to pick up their adorable animators). Check out this test video cutie trying to play his hero, Einstein. [Via Gawker]

Fingers crossed that the black eyes and swollen face she’s sporting do not indicate cosmetic surgery of some kind. Because we thought she was perfect before. Then again, if it’s not plastic surgery…has some a-hole been beating up on our beloved Target Lady?! [Los Angeles, 6/16/08]

A 38-year-old woman had an expensive laser procedure done to her face, but beforehand, she told her husband she was merely getting a facial. When he found out what a mega-big deal it was, he flipped out. The woman thought it was a harmless fib, but relationships expert Dr. Pam Spurr says even a little white lie isn’t good for a relationship. “What was really going on? She felt defensive about trying to hold back the hands of time, confiding that she didn’t want her husband to know how much she worried about facial lines. As if her husband wasn’t aging along with her!” See, what she really should have done was asked her husband whether he wanted his face worked on, too! [The Times, U.K.]

Speaking of plastic surgery—which is currently a forum topic on The Frisky—Heidi Montag, who has had a nose job, breast implants, and lip fillers, supposedly wants butt implants. She thinks her butt is too flat and she wants to have a rump like Jessica Biel. Next up, feet like Halle Berry, ears like Nicole Kidman, and a vagina like Julia Roberts’. [Just Jared]

Speaking of plastic surgery and kids, a new picture book is coming out this Mother’s Day called “My Beautiful Mommy” which attempts to explain to kids why their mother is getting cosmetic surgery. Strangely, the book wasn’t written by a mom who has had plastic surgery, but by a a plastic surgeon named Dr. Michael Salzhauer. While you might assume that Dr. Salzhauer wrote the book out of genuine concern for the family dynamics of his patients, he actually uses it as a tool to convince mothers to get plastic surgery. The book’s message is that mommy is so much more beautiful after her tummy tuck and nose job —and that your little girl or boy will be totally thrilled with your results too! [Newsweek]

Our post yesterday about the mother in the U.K. who said she would get her daughter a boob job for her 16th birthday got some of you talking. How do the rest of you feel about the issue?

Meet Georgia. Georgia is 12. Georgia wants a boob job for her 13th birthday. It’s no wonder—Georgia’s mom, Alicia Douvall, has had over 50 plastic surgeries, 12 of which were on her breasts alone. (Seriously? She looks like such a natural beauty!)  But don’t worry! Douvall isn’t the kind of terrible mother who would give her tween a boob job! No way! That’s crazy talk! Everyone knows the appropriate age for a little girl’s first breast augmentation is 16, because “a 16-year-old with a nice, sexy figure will do really well as a model.” [Sun U.K.]

Oh Roseanne! You so crazy! The “comedian” stopped by Craig Ferguson’s show last night and told him all about having vaginal rejuvenation surgery. We like to believe this is about as true as her singing the National Anthem was musically supreme.

Jamie Lee Curtis, 50, just graced the cover of AARP magazine wearing nothing but water.  And now she’s urging people to go au natural themselves and grow old gracefully. She’s speaking up about her own plastic surgeries, admitting to first going under the knife at 35 because a photographer made a snide remark about her “puffy” eyes. She’s had numerous surgeries since, saying: “I did it all. But, you know what, it didn’t work. The fraud is it doesn’t work…there are complications, and I got them all.” While Jamie Lee hasn’t specified her problems with the operations, we’re pretty sure one of the side effects is being stuck in a waiting room with Joan Rivers. [ICYDK]

You guys, last night I was watching The Hills and I got kind of sad. No, not because Whitney left Teen Vogue. And not because Brody and Lauren are on the rocks either. I was sad because I really, really miss Heidi’s old face. The one that didn’t have lips that looks like they’re made out of two gummy worms. The one that didn’t look like you could bounce a quarter off its surface. The one that didn’t give me nightmares. Will we ever see it again? I hope so.

Vaginoplasty is the only way Dr. 90210 sees a vagina, but lucky for him, it’s reportedly his third most popular surgery. Ouch!  That’s a touchy way to make a buck. Every woman who has had their ‘gina waxed can tell you it’s painful getting ripped off, from the hair removal to the price of the waxing. But vaginoplasty is taking the cost and the cu-next-tuesday to a whole new level and America the beautiful is it eating it up! In a new HBO Real Sex short, bare-naked porn star Katie Morgan talks about the growing demand for the cosmetic procedure. From evening flaps to making the lining a tighter fit than an American Apparel xtra-small, maybe this is what people are talking about when they ask plastic surgeons for Angelina Jolie’s lips. After all, what wouldn’t we do for Brad Pitt?  However, with all this hoopla over the hoo-ha, a girl’s gotta wonder if this is the final frontier for equality. Like, what has he manscaped for me lately? [TMZ]

Porn star, Presidential candidate, and Celebrity Rehab star Mary Carey is auctioning off her old breast implants on eBay calling them “The best stocking stuffer of all time!” Clearly she’s never seen the Christmas beer coozey our grandma knitted for us in 1995. In any case, this for sale silicone isn’t just for fun and games—a portion of the winning bid (currently at $510) will go to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation. Now those are some plastic titties we’d pay for! [eBay]

Radar Online used Photoshop to fix the “flaws” of some of Hollywood’s top celebrities. But the question is, do these changes make the following guys more doable? Our snap judgment: Though we kind of like Adrien Brody’s impressive schnozz, we think he now resembles a more age appropriate Zack Efron. But Zach Braff? No amount of slicing and dicing makes him sexy—but you be the judge! [Radar]

Not to use a tragedy as an excuse to get on out soapbox, but well, that’s what we’re going to do—Kanye West’s mom died this weekend from “complications related to cosmetic surgery.” It’s rumored that she went in for a tummy tuck and breast augmentation surgery. Being that the cosmetic surgery industry makes the bulk of their moolah off making women feel like crap about their God-given bodies, this is yet another example of the really horrible affects of letting someone else, be it your significant other, your family, your friends, or society, tell you what’s sexy and beautiful. Dead for a pair of double Ds? Do. Not. Want. [DListed]