Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

This week’s Dr. V was inspired by a letter I received from a lady who just started dating a guy who wasn’t circumcised. She wanted to take their love life higher, but just wasn’t sure how to lift the darn thing with all that extra material.  Rest assured, my friend, all penis models work the same way. If you’re sexy to them, they’ll be sexy to you! However, an uncut penis does require extra care.  So, here are some tips for naked time with a man who escaped the snip-snip.  And keep those letters coming, you know I love to read your smut too! To ask me a question, email sexpert@thefrisky.com.

An Australian woman appeared in court today on a murder charge after allegedly setting fire to her husband’s genitals because she believed he was having an affair. Prosecutors said that Rajini Narayan, 44, told neighbors she had only wanted to burn her husband’s penis “so it belongs to me and no one else.” Talk about a crime of passion! You might think that crimes associated with male genitalia are rare, but in fact, they’re quite common. After the jump, six penis-related crimes from the last year.

To any guys reading this post—this is indeed a conversation most women have in their lifetime with their friends. We are fascinated by that thing dangling between your legs. What it feels like there, how pants fit comfortably, what it’s like when you’re standing at a urinal and are tempted to glance at the dude next to you. And yes, what it feels like to have sex with one of us. So with that in mind, I polled some of the ladies I know to find out what exactly they would do if they had a manhood for a moment, a schlong for a spell, a willie for a week, a d—k for a day—above is the convo that Sexpert Lindsay and I had over IM, and the rest are after the jump. But one thing I’m wondering of you—do guys ever theorize about what they would do if they had a vagina?

Not long ago, I met a guy that reminded me of that sexy NPR storyteller Ira Glass. Instantly, I fell in nerd-love with this doppelganger. After dating for a while, though, we realized we had only one thing in common: sex. So we decided to be friends with benefits. According to a Michigan State University study, sixty-percent of college co-eds have been involved in an FWB relationship, and plenty of my thirty-something girlfriends were doing it to stay satisfied, so I figured I’d give the laid back, no-romantic-attachments approach to getting laid a whirl. A year later, faux-Ira and I still hang out and hump. After our most recent rendezvous last weekend, I began to wonder what I’m doing. What are the real benefits to friends with benefits? Sure, now I have an in-case-of-sexual-emergency-hit-Glass-lookalike. At the same time, I’ve started to realize my situation is causing me to question the meaning of friendship, challenging my chances at romances, and wobbling my emotional stability.

There seems to be a direct correlation between how much a man spends on something and how big he wants the outside world to think his penis is.  These big-ticket items have to be noticeably large, suped up, and impressive—something to be showed off.  When men drop serious cash, it’s symbolically like they dropped their pants too. Here are the five things that men buy to make us think they have a big dick:

Sports Car: With that much horsepower, he feels like he’s hung like a horse.

Penises have caused many people to do many things.  In the case of construction, builders keep on raising the bar, inch by inch!  While most people look up at these buildings in awe, we’re pretty sure the architects looked down at their crotches for inspiration. In honor of the structures that remind us of our boyfriends, here are The Seven Phallic Wonders of The Modern World.

Grace Kelly’s son, the playboy Prince Albert of Monaco, is finally engaged! While the significance of him producing an heir is important to Europe, we here at The Frisky are interested in talking about the other historically significant Prince Albert—the penis piercing. All the meaty details, after the jump…

For as long as penises have existed, guys — and their girlfriends — have bestowed names on their best buds. In fact, I’m pretty sure back in the caveman era, popular dick-names were Harry, Larry and Bob. These days, however, the naming process has gotten a modern twist. A new website, NameYourWang.com, the first and only site devoted to, well, naming one’s wang, now makes it possible to register the name of a penis and receive a “Certificate of Authenticity” of ownership, too. Think of it like the pervy version of naming a star: just as corny, but maybe a bit more tongue-in-cheek, and at $14.50, less than 1/3 the price of cheapest star package. Just in case anyone’s wondering, I checked and “RuPaul” is still available. 

Every free market has a wide range of available goods. The same holds true for men and their penises. Because it’s important to know what’s out there in phalluses, after the jump are the top ten penis types you’re bound to encounter on the road to Mr. Right Member.

Did you know Lysol used to advertise itself as appropriate for feminine hygiene? “A man marries a woman because he loves her,” the copy for this vintage ad reads. “Instead of blaming him if married love begins to cool, she should question herself.” According to this retro-minded public service message, a woman should “safeguard her dainty feminine allure by practicing complete feminine hygiene” with… a household disinfectant. Do not try this at home, people. Your vagina is for lovin’—not Lysol. [mrbill].

“My boyfriend is uncircumcised and super sensitive when I give him oral. I do enjoy giving head most of the time and I’ve honestly never received any complaints from previous boyfriends.  However, I just haven’t found quite the right maneuver that completely blows his mind (no pun intended). Do you have any suggestions?”—In Need Of Technique, via email

“I’ve recently begun a relationship with a man that started out as a friendship.  We know a lot about each other and have taken time getting to the sack.  ‘K’ was born in England and therefore was not circumcised.  What do I need to know about going down on an uncircumcised man? Help!  We are so ready to go there but I’m afraid of… well, I don’t know what I’m afraid of!”—Not Sure What To Do With A Turtleneck, via email

While my Dolly Parton-esque double D’s provide my sexy-time friends with far, far more than a handful, my breasts prevent me from normal activities. Like crossing my heart to say the Pledge of Allegiance. Like squeezing between tables at restaurants without whacking someone in the face. Like wearing button-up shirts and running at the same time. Still, are my bodacious ta-ta’s any more intrusive than, say, the pair men have—that is: balls? I mean, how do they run with those things dangling between their legs? There’s just no denying it. Ladies and gents have bulky body baggage. Thankfully, some gender-bending reporters over at Time Out New York decided to put their work-out routine to the boobs versus balls test. Their results? Frank and beans are easier to exercise with than a couple of milk jugs. But here at the Frisky, let’s talk about when appendages really matter: the sex act. Which cushion do you think is worse for the pushin’? [Boinkology]

Dang, “What Would You Do With A D—k For A Day?” really was a hot topic huh? Thanks for stopping by gentlemen and cluing us into some fun we might have missed. But the thing really weighing on my mind? Do guys ever consider what they would do with a vagina for a day? I suspected that A) they would either be too uncreative to have actually considered it or B) only considered the sexual aspects, and after discussing the topic with a few of the guys on my IM, guess what? I was right!

When it comes to erectile dysfunction, Finnish researchers have found that the “use it or loose it” principle holds true. Published in the July issue of The American Journal of Medicine, a study from the Department of Urology at Tampere University examined almost 1000 men between the ages of 55 and 75.  They concluded that men who said they didn’t have sex once a week were twice as likely to develop penis problems. And if you boned three or more times a week, your chances of going limp in your golden years dropped to 1%.  While the docs also discovered that the frequency of morning wood played an important part in predicting ED, nothing is more integral than intercourse.  Science has proved there’s just no substitute for good ol’ fashioned fornication. [Mediline Plus]

In the latest issue of Out magazine, Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz admitted to making out with dudes as “sexual rebellion”, but we’re not buying the rebel without a cause routine. We blame it on his low self-esteem: Wentz claims he doesn’t even like his own genital junk (a classic sign that he’s afraid to go gay). When asked if he’s gone down on a dude, he said he wasn’t interested because, “It’s really about the equipment. I really don’t think it’s an attractive quality. That’s what it comes down to. I don’t even like my own. Like, I really don’t like it. I don’t like anything about it.” So sad. If only some guy could wave his magic wand and finally make Wentz d*ckmatized. [Dlisted]

Today’s news is all about penises. Showing off the family jewels usually just involves a zipper, but for Sigurdur Hjartarson, it takes a museum.  The curator and collector has opened the Icelandic Phallological Museum dedicated to the penis specimens of 261 animals.  From the 2mm hamster wang that requires a microscope, to the 154 pound, 5 1/2 foot long sperm whale dong, these objet d’arts have been well mounted and hung.

Yesterday we posted a review of Forgetting Sarah Marshall, a movie which has an R-rating despite the fact that there’s a whole lotta peen to be seen. Apparently, the film was able to avoid an NC-17 rating because the ratings board told the filmmakers that star Jason Segal’s penis would have to remain flaccid during the scene in which it’s exposed—an erect penis would have garnered an NC-17 rating. We’re not quite sure why a shriveled penis is less “offensive” than a hard one. Is it because a hard penis implies sexual arousal and THAT is what is inappropriate for children under 17? Segal says that in order to comply with the board’s standards, while still not embarrassing himself on a celluloid with a cold and shriveled package, he went for just slightly engorged. We asked our friend Jon how he would do such a thing, and Jon said that he probably got himself aroused and then let his boner subside a bit before filming began, getting that “meaty” effect. We swear, we have not learned so much about penises in our entire life as we have in the last two days. Anyway, what do you think about how this movie is rated? Do you think it’s strange that the film ratings board makes such a, um, stiff distinction between the two?

Vong has an easy way to help men remember what they need to do to get girls. Take four minutes out of your day and learn something from Vong. It will be worth it. [YouTube]

While a lot of celebrities like to walk around with their cooters out, it turns out that just means they’re less evolved females. Big surprise! But seriously, evolution is to blame for all the problems men have reading women’s sexual signals—although it seems like the trade off was worth it. Back in the day, when we were monkeys, our privates were very public. When our hairy ancestors were in heat, their vajayjay butts would swell up and then they’d go around trying to get laid by showing off the hot mess to the males like this. Conversely, since the apes walked around on all fours, the men’s junk was hidden, so if they popped up, no one was the wiser.  Needless to say, ape sexuality was totally backwards by today’s human standards.  So, how’d our fates get reversed?