Heavy’s “Over The Hills” series is hysterical, mostly because it features the actual dialogue from the real MTV show. Check out this clip of a crotchety old Lauren running into retirees Heidi and Spencer at a club. Why does Heidi have a Southern accent? She’s from Crested Butte, Colorado! [Heavy]

Mariah Carey is so back, y’all. In addition to performing on The Hills live finale party last night, she appeared on SNL a few weeks ago in support of her new record E=MC2—who knew Mariah was such a math nerd? Anyway, she is behind some of The Frisky‘s favorite cheesy ballads and slow jams from the ‘90s and her new single, “Touch My Body” is effing “Butterfly”-awesome. Check out the new video for the song, featuring Kenneth from 30 Rock. [MTV]

Whoa, The Hills in all its scripted glory, was awesome. It should always be an hour! The show, back for a mini-interim season, started off with Lauren and Whitney headed to Paris to help out Teen Vogue at the Crillon Ball, a fancy-schmancy debutante event for rich socialite kids. Within, like, seconds of landing at Charles de Gaulle Airport, Whitney and Lauren immediately start to slack off on their, you know, jobs by opting to pick up their ball gowns instead of running Teen Vogue errands, while Lauren finds out Brody has managed to find a girlfriend since she left L.A. Seriously, time moves fast in LC’s world. Back in L.A., Spencer is shedding a tear into his beer because Heidi has headed back to the homey, unpretentious Colorado town that managed to spit out her trashtastic, gossip-chasing self, in order to get some breathing room from their sad little relationship.

Our favorite craptastic TV show is back tonight and we’re so excited. However, just in case you haven’t been keeping as close of tabs as we have on Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Brody, Audrina, and Whitney, here are some things you’ve might have missed:

You know, Ashton Kutcher is definitely kind of a dweeb and while it goes without saying that he is smokin’ hot, we haven’t always been convinced that he’s the sharpest knife in the drawer, due in no small part to his convincing portrayal of mega-dummy Kelso on That ‘70s Show. But the first few seasons of Punk’d on MTV were brilliantly funny (remember the one where they convinced Justin Timberlake that his possession were being seized and the dude almost cried?) and it seems the Kutch may have more tricks up his sleeve. Ashton has been hard at word on a new project, Pop Fiction, which targets the paparazzi and various tabloid media outlets with outrageous and totally fake news stories—like Paris Hilton’s dalliance with a “shaman” and perhaps even the outbreak of Hepatitis at Ashton’s birthday party, two stories covered seriously by the tabs. Ashton, we should have never underestimated that your talent for pranks wouldn’t match you good looks.

Paris Hilton, 27, recently lamented to In Touch, “I never got to go to college.” Aw, poor Paris.  Couldn’t get student loans or Swarovski just couldn’t rhinestone all those books?  But, like an heiress, she’s found a lucrative and public way to duplicate this rite of passage on a new reality show in which she’ll try to find a new BFF.  Paris plans on making up for lost time by filling a mansion with girls so she can have the college experience. “This will be my chance to be in a sorority,” she said eagerly. As anyone with a degree knows, “sorority” is code for “gay until graduation.” Maybe she wasn’t just testing the lesbian waters with Elisha Cuthbert back in January.  “I’m really excited about this concept — I’m going to meet a lot of great girlfriends,” said Paris, who will capture all the panty raids on tape for MTV. [In Touch]

Check it out at MTV.com.

Catherine and I IM’d in a frenzy this morning about the snoozefest that was The Hills season finale (or wasssss it???) last night, so we’ll get to a recap in a second, but earlier in the day, TMZ reported that Heidi and Spencer (known in the blogosphere as “Speidi”) have called off their totally ridiculous engagement. They’re still together, but we’re hoping these two losers go the way of another broken engagement—Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Sure enough, Heidi walked the “red carpet” solo and left before the live taping at LA club Area could begin (Lauren put the kibosh on Heidi actually attending the festivities). After the jump, Catherine and I exchange a totally disappointed IM about our favorite show on Earth. But on a positive note, we’re both obviously on Team Brody.