In case you aren’t an MTV watcher and haven’t already been subjected to 90 millions promos for it, the MTV Movie Awards are coming at you tonight at 9pm EST. Since teens and 20-somethings are notoriously ADD, you know the network will be pulling out all the stops to keep us watching. Here are 10 reasons we’re looking forward to the show.

Paris Hilton is so misunderstood that she’s decided to let the world see the real woman behind the image in “Paris, Not France,” a documentary that debuted last year at the Toronto International Film Festival. The film, according to the Los Angeles Times, was supposed to go along with the 2006 release of “Paris,” her self-titled debut album. And director Adria Petty’s film is already out-of-date. It gives no mention of Paris’s stint in jail in 2007 and features the Paris that was always trying to upstage her last moment with stunts like riding a motorcycle on the red carpet. Comparatively, the Paris of today is much more low-key. But I bet she still believes she’s a victim of Barbie comparisons and doesn’t for a second think that she had a hand in perpetuating that persona.

You’ve seen “Cribs,” right? Each week, cameras capture a celeb’s master bedroom, backyard pool, and refrigerator full of perfectly organized rows of Fiji water or Diet Coke cans. Well, think of Mark Menjivar’s collection of photographs, entitled “You are what you eat,” the high-brow version of the peeping-tom show.

Menjivar sees an open fridge as the perfect staging ground for a discussion of consumption and consequence. If the saying holds true—that is, if we really are what we eat—Menjivar thinks refrigerators are windows into our souls—or, at least into our stomachs. Whether it’s a bartender’s fridge full of take-out cartons, a family’s refrigerator a week after deciding to eat locally grown produce (it’s totally gung-ho-leafy-green veggies), a short order cook’s frozen tortillas alongside a frozen snake corpse, or a spare but organized fridge belonging to a blind person who lives alone, the contents adroitly tell the story of each individual life. 

MTV wants to protect you from the skanks you see on their station. To commemorate STD Awareness Month, they’ve launched a safe-sex campaign. And they’re so down with the kids, they’re speakin’ their language, their cell phone language, that is. The new initiative is called “It’s Your Sex Life,” with a focus on GYT—that’s how you’d text someone “get yourself tested.” Yikes, shouldn’t that be a phone call or at least an e-card?  Anyway, they kicked off their crotch crusade with “Pedro,” a biopic about Pedro Zamora, the HIV positive cast member from the third season of “The Real World.” But, all month long you can look forward to PSAs from the likes of Santogold, the Maddens, and N.E.R.D. Plus, Beth Ditto will be answering sex questions in a segment called, “Ask Beth.”  Wow, the safe sex push plus MTV promising to play music videos—it’s like 1994 all over again!

MTV plans to launch 16 new reality shows over the next four-and-a-half months, in an effort to retain its young and flighty audience. Recent ratings show a 23 percent drop in the network’s core demographic of 12- to 34-year-olds. The new series will be in the same vein as “The Hills,” a slightly scripted success story at MTV, but will avoid the backbiting and bitchery themes of most reality shows nowadays. Instead, the shows will focus on young people accomplishing their goals and proving themselves. Gee, that sounds like “Made” to me, but hopefully MTV won’t actually interfere in the lives of these young people. But then again, is watching someone fail also entertaining? MTV probably doesn’t think so. Brian Graden, president of entertainment at MTV Networks music channels and president of Logo, said these new themes are in step with the Obama generation. If Beyonce’s “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)” video is any indication, the Obama generation also enjoys music videos. Take a look at MTV’s programming for today and you’d discover music videos only air for two hours, from 5 am to 7 am. The rest of the programming is the fluff the network (and its audience) is trying to escape. After the jump find out some of what MTV has planned for your viewing pleasure.

To help you judge, here’s the show in two minutes, as presented by Best Week Ever!

Russell Brand quotes Oscar Wilde as easily as he rocks his ridiculously teased hair.  He’s sexy, he’s suave, but, above all, he’s smart and he isn’t afraid to speak his mind.  Despite getting flack for openly teasing the Jonas Brothers about their chastity rings and the “retarded cowboy President” Bush at the VMA’s last night, I thought [Me too!—Editor] Brand stole the show with his off-handed hilarious comments—of course an accent makes everything sound better. Sure, the hole in the ozone is probably caused by the amount of hairspray he uses on his hair-do, but damn the boy is fine and funny!  From guyliner to his groovy anti-establishment attitude, who is this one man British invasion named Russell Brand?

Did the budget get majorly cut for this year’s award show? Sure seemed like it, given the scaled down event space and the horrendous lineup of performers. Host Russell Brand was either hysterically funny or horribly flat, depending on who you ask, but I think everyone can agree that the British comedian (known for his role in Forgetting Sarah Marshall) was basically off the teleprompter the majority of the time, inciting anger in teen virgins (like Jordin Sparks and the Jonas Brothers) and Republicans (we’re sure Speidi didn’t appreciate his firestorm of insults spewed about President Bush and Sarah Palin). Suffice it to say, if Sparks, the Jonas Brothers, and MTV producers have anything to say about it, Brand will be getting a full body cavity check the next time he goes through immigration—that is, if he’s ever allowed in the States again.

Really MTV? Now, I know I can hardly knock ya too much—after all, The Hills is my vice—but when I read about an upcoming show called Model Makers, I knew maybe my favorite craptastic network had gone too far. Billed as a “Transformation Make-Over” reality show, Model Makers advertised for contestants with the following ad:

Have you always wanted to model but don’t know where to start? Maybe you don’t know the right people. Maybe you are not thin enough. Maybe you are not photogenic.  MODEL MAKERS will give you the ultimate make-over and transform you into the model of your dreams. Women come in all shapes and sizes, but models don’t. The term model conjures an image of stick-thin, towering beauties oozing confidence, glamour, poise and sexuality from every pore. ‘Skinny,’ ‘no body fat,’ and ‘size zero’ are the words and phrases associated with models. ‘Chubby,’ ‘well-fed,’ and ‘big-boned’ are not…

By now, it’s pretty much accepted that The Hills is, to a certain degree, scripted. According to a recent article in Entertainment Weekly, parts of scenes are re-shot (for example, if the girls enter a nightclub and a crowd of people get in the way of the camera, the producers will have the girls enter again), Lauren Conrad and crew let the producers know in advance what their plans are (partially so that they can get approval to shoot at any venues and also so that they can devise a “storyline” for the week), and the producers also have no control over whether the girls play any of their conversations or actions up for the cameras.

The hit song of the summer, I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, is the soundtrack for a new sexual revolution. From co-ed LUG’s to Hollywood’s hottest stars, girl-on-girl action is steaming up the streets and screens across the U.S. What publicly started with Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the Video Music Awards in 2003, has grown into a full-on, leggings-style TREND.

On last night’s season finale of A Shot At Love II, Tila Tequila offered her heart to Kristy, who then promptly turned her down. The two of them really seem to be acting, and badly, and this just reinforces my gut feeling (and the internet rumors) that Tila isn’t bisexual, but knew she had to pick a lady this time around to keep up the facade. Having Tila get dissed just adds more drama AND opens up the door to season three of this crap fest. Sigh. I miss Laguna Beach.

Just now, Amelia and I were discussing Brody Jenner and the upcoming trash-fest that will be Bromance. “Does the fact that he’s doing the show make Brody less attractive?” Amelia asked. Duh. “But what turns you off the most: Bromance, the Gothic-lettered “Jenner” tattoo running down his side, or his Gothic jewelry line?” Me: “HE HAS A GOTHIC JEWELRY LINE?” Oh dear. (Brody doesn’t actually design the jewelry, but he is the marketing director for Archangel. I hope he doesn’t believe in his product, but the Gothic tattoo suggests otherwise.) And so we ask you, what makes Brody less attractive to you (if anything)? [NOTE: The photo above features Brody wearing an Archangel necklace. It was taken back in 2006, though, so maybe he’s stopped wearing such hideous accessories.]

Um, have you guys watched Rock The Cradle on MTV? My DVR has been filled to the brim with enough crap, but I came across this clip on DListed and immediately regretted not prioritizing this awesome badness. The show centers around rock “royalty” who also want to be as famous as their parents. It’s a talent show, supposedly, but just listen to the pipes of Olivia Newton-John’s daughter, Chloe Lattanzi. Sandra Dee’s daughter sings like that? Ick. That apple fell in a totally different orchard, if you know what I mean.

On April 22, Tila Tequila is getting a second shot at love…and by love we mean a reality TV game show. Even after she jilted her hot lesbian flame, firefighter Dani for macho meathead Bobby, MTV has agreed to give the bisexual body-shot lover another chance to drink and wive.  OK, we get why Flava Flav and Bret Michaels have dating shows—they were both in popular ‘80s bands and somehow manage to still have groupies.  But Tila?  Her claim to fame is having a lot of MySpace friends, which, let’s face it, takes more slutty pictures and free time than talent. Honestly, if that is what it takes to get your own TV show, maybe we should all start accepting those never ending friend requests from creepy old dudes and crappy bands. [MTV]

The 20th season of The Real World premieres tonight at 10 p.m. on MTV. Yawn. This time, they’re living in an environmentally friendly home in Hollywood that looks like the set for a kids’ TV show. The place features a salt-water pool, a computer that runs on a battery that’s charged by riding a bike for two hours, bamboo soy candles (the wax is edible!), and dual-flushing toilets that also wash and dry your rear or front—no toilet paper necessary. This could make for an interesting season. [Think.MTV.com]

You can laugh at this statement, but there’s a lot to be learned from The Hills about dating and family etiquette. For example: