Happy hump day! For this joyously slow news week, the tabloids were more random than ever, reminding us that no news is not reason enough to not print the news. Instead, it is reason enough to create something better than truth: intrigue. So, in an effort not to gather facts, but to create an even better existence based on subtle hints and unnamed sources, we’ve read every tabloid and picked the most interesting stories to share with you.

So ... when Hollywood starlets want to be provocative, they lez out in photoshoots. And apparently, when gay men want to be provocative they tongue female models? Color us confused by this Details cover shoot featuring “American Idol” runner-up, Adam Lambert. Lambert is an out-and-proud gay man, but tells the mag, “...I like kissing women sometimes. Women are pretty. It doesn’t mean I’m necessarily sleeping with them.” Personally, I wouldn’t have minded a shot or two of Glambert frenching his hot boyfriend, but then again, I sometimes like gay dude porn. So what do you think of this racy shoot? Sexy or cheap? Check out one more shot, after the jump. [Details]

Those of you who’ve looked carefully at the new cover of GQ probably noticed that January Jones’ boobs look, in a word, amazing. And, uh, much bigger than one would’ve thought from skinny Betty Draper? A “source” from inside the magazine squealed and told the New York Post, “They definitely did some significant retouching.” But now GQ‘s photo editor has shot back with this statement:

“Yes, they’re real. And they’re spectacular. People think that a person will look the same in every photograph, but that just doesn’t happen ... Terry [Richardson] likes to work with harder lighting, and that can create a stronger shadow—that, and body position and perspective could give the illusion that her breasts are bigger. January Jones needed no help. Trust me.”

Trust me? Doesn’t he sound like a football player in the locker room bragging about the girl he got to first base with after the school dance? Do you agree that the rotundness of her chest could be a lighting issue, or were these totally digitally enhanced?

Have you ever noticed how, if one woman in a room is perusing a glossy magazine, all the other women in the room magically gravitate towards her and somehow end up reading over her shoulder? Let’s face it, with their gorgeous photo spreads, the splashy headlines and celebrity interviews, women’s magazines are pretty darn addictive. Just so you don’t have to plop down $3.99 on each and every November issue, we’ve scoured them all to tell you which ones are bringing you fresh stories and ideas, and which ones are just recycling the same old drivel. After the jump, six issues dissected and graded.

After we saw the leaked photos of Serena Williams and Sarah Reinertsen, nude, on two covers of ESPN‘s first-ever Body Issue, we knew we had to get our hands on a copy. And today we did.

The Oct. 19 issue has seven different cover variations, each featuring a different athlete. Ours features a glistening Dwight Howard, the Orlando Magic basketball player. Inside the magazine, there is more nudity than we had expected to see in ESPN, especially since a lot of the naked and nearly naked bodies belong to men. The story that shows photos of athletes’ scars and other physical costs of dedication makes sense, in our opinion, for the magazine. The numerous images of athletes without any or many clothes? Not so much. Our only guess is that ESPN is trying to attract more women readers. And we’re not complaining.

Click through for the full, somewhat NSFW version of the above photo featuring the D.C. United soccer team.

It’s Wednesday again, and if you were lucky enough to get Columbus Day off, you probably didn’t even notice that the week is half over. Thankfully, we’re here to remind you that the best ‘bloids hit the newsstands today. Heaven forbid you actually pay for them, so we scooped them up in the wee hours of the morning, read them cover to glossy cover and picked out the most amazing, totally true (yeah, right) tidbits for you.

January Jones, aka “Mad Men”‘s Betty Draper, is on the cover of November’s GQ, and in the accompanying article, she eats queso and drinks beer while talking about the progression of her career. A boyfriend’s mom actually helped her learn manners and get rid of her Iowa accent, even after she and the dude broke up! Keep reading for January’s take on Betty and how another ex, who told her she wouldn’t make it in Hollywood, helped her get where she is today.

Excuse me, Grace Coddington approved this? For the November issue of Vogue, Anna and Co. rounded up the female stars of the upcoming movie musical “Nine.” Four of them—Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, and Kate Hudson—are on the cover together, but the overly airbrushed shot makes it oh-so-obvious that photographer Annie Liebovitz shot them separately and spliced them together in Photoshop. Regardless, the beach background is tragic, the fashion makes no sense in context, and they all look like wax figurines. Cover shoot FAIL. [Just Jared]

Just in time for Halloween, Claudia Schiffer stars in a fright night layout in the November issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK. Shot by Michelangelo di Battista, “Mystery in the Moonlight” features Schiffer grappling with the Swamp Thing and other scary creatures of the night. If you’re looking to get inspired for All Hallows’ Eve partying, her retro-noir look is a pretty alternative to all those not-so-sexy “sexy” costumes. More pics after the jump!

It’s no exaggeration when I say that a ton of magazines closed this week. Conde Nast’s Gourmet (sob) and Cookie have heard the death knell. That’s why I was surprised to see that a new one, Get Married, is launching. Seriously, another bridal magazine? Why is a company introducing a new bridal publication after it’s just been announced that Elegant Bride and Modern Bride are folding? Has anyone caught a peek of Get Married? [Gawker]

Like Glamour, Marie Claire has decided it needs to offer more content geared toward plus-size readers. In the November issue, the magazine introduces Ashley Falcon, a size-18 stylist who will be doling out fashion advice in a new column.

In the issue, she shares a little about her experiences working in fashion despite not being able to fit into sample sizes, offering thoughts like, “I long ago made peace with the fact that I’ll never look good in a slinky dress or pleated paper-bag-waist pants, even if Coco Chanel herself came back from the dead and hand-stitched them for me,” and “Big girls love accessories—they always fit, no size tags required.” She also tackles jeans-shopping for women with fuller figures, giving her top three picks for pairs that flatter. Next up, she hunts down cocktail-chic clothes “for all sizes” for the holiday season.

It’s Wednesday, which means the week is half over and you’ve made it to hump day. But even more importantly, the new ‘bloids just hit newsstands. Lest you have to actually buy and read them cover to cover, we’ve perused each to bring you the juiciest, most fascinating stories. We’re sure each and every bit is 115 percent true.

ESPN is sexing things up with its first-ever “Body Issue,” which will feature six covers, each with a different athlete in the nude: mixed martial artist Gina Carano, NASCAR driver Carl Edwards, tennis player Serena Williams, Orlando Magic basketball player Dwight Howard, Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, and Sarah Reinertsen, the first amputee to compete in the Ironman Triathlon.

While this could go the way of that other sports magazine’s yearly provocative issue that features women in swimsuits, ESPN‘s special issue seems more like it’s honoring the work athletes put into developing their bodies for peak performance, rather than putting them on display in a sexual way. Though, we’re pretty sure some guys will be excited to see Williams in a new way. Keep reading for a look at triathlete Reinertsen’s cover. [HuffPo, USA Today]

With the shocking and depressing news that Conde Nast shuttered not one, but four magazines yesterday—Gourmet and Cookie, plus two bridal magazines—comes the harsh realization that glossies are not what they used to be. If a powerhouse like Conde is suffering, well, you know it’s bad.

But certainly this can’t mean the end of magazines everywhere? Enter the online salvation. Domino recently (sort of) revived itself, in the form of an online rag called Lonny, and now it seems publishing giant Time Inc. is sniffing around the Hulu format. Wait, huh?

Apparently a married man is never happy with the life he’s chosen, even if he’s a comic book character. Ever since we learned that Archie was putting an end to the decades-old love triangle and choosing either Betty or Veronica, we’ve been contemplating which of the ladies would become his wife. When news leaked that he would propose to Veronica in the comic book’s 600th issue, we were a little bummed. Of course he had to pick the rich blond bimbo!

But now it seems this isn’t exactly the case.

German models might soon find themselves out of work. Today, the country’s most popular women’s magazine announced that it’s banning professional models in favor of real people. Starting next year, the bi-monthly Brigitte will feature a mix of prominent women and regular readers in photos dealing with content from fashion to fitness in an attempt to fight unhealthy beauty standards and please readers who are sick of seeing models with “protruding bones,” said Andreas Lebert, the magazine’s editor-in-chief.

“If you’re any kind of a human, you know the title is utterly ludicrous. But I like the idea of it, too. I do. I’m feeling that I must earn this. I need to go out and become much better at pole dancing or something.”

—Actress Kate Beckinsale, Esquire‘s latest sexiest woman alive, on her new title

Why does it seem like the older I get the more hectic and crazy my life becomes? Back in college, things were so simple. Wake up early-ish, go to class, come back to the dorm, and have a few bongs and burritos with friends to unwind. On the days I went to work,  I never felt spent because I didn’t really have that much responsibility. And when I returned back to my dorm ... yep ... more bongs and burritos. Oh, how things have changed. I don’t know about you, but by the end of a long work day, I am so drained and stressed, I’m looking for just about any excuse I can think of to kick off my high heels. (OK, I don’t usually wear high heels but go with me here.) That usually includes some version of going out with my friends, gorging on some good food, and, most importantly, throwing back copious glasses of red wine. I must admit my routine of nightly hedonism is starting to take its toll, both on my beauty sleep and my wallet. Let’s face it; I just don’t bounce back from a night of drinking the way I did when I was 21. Maybe it’s time to go green in the stress relief department. Maybe it’s time for me to become a “Stiletto Stoner,” only without the stilettos.

An article in the November issue of Glamour discusses beautiful woman who are larger than standard sample sizes and continues the discussion started by a photo of plus-size model Lizzie Miller from the magazine’s September issue. Along with the article, titled, “Oh. Wow. These Bodies Are Beautiful,” is the above photograph of seven models who are all closer to size 12 than size 2.

The photograph is beautiful and pictures Miller, Crystal Renn, Amy Lemons, Ashley Graham, Kate Dillon, Anansa Sims, and Jennie Runk. The article raises a few good points, i.e., we should stop nitpicking about minor flaws and feel comfortable in our bodies. But why did the models have to be naked?

Even though Blair Waldorf is weaning herself off headbands now that “Gossip Girl” has gone to college, we’re still digging cute crap we can wear on our heads, and apparently Karl Lagerfeld is, too.

Lagerfeld photographed a story for the October issue of Italian Elle, that transformed a male model into a Ken-like doll (he has a bulge but no reproductive organs) and added interesting accessories atop model Ikeliene Strange’s head. You thought Lady Gaga‘s hair bow was wild? That was nothing compared to a colander, a heel, and a telephone. [Design Scene]

More images, after the jump!