Vampires are back baby, in a little movie that’s got a whole lot of underground buzz called Twilight—check out the trailer above. Based on a series of young adult novels by Stephanie Meyer, the film is seriously all the kiddies are talking about on the internet it seems. So, because I like to be hip with the young crowd, I decided to do some research. For starters, Twilight is a love story between an average, beautiful heroine named Bella and a vampire named Edward Cullen (played by the hottie who was Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter). What’s awesome about Edward and his family is that they are totally rebellious and abstain from drinking human blood and drink animal blood instead—friends of PETA they are not. Anyway, it reminded me of my own youth, spent crushing on goth boys, and I decided to put together a list of the Hottest Vampires.

I took a lot of women’s studies classes in college and even spelled women as “womyn” for a while, but I’ve never quite understood menstrual art. I have a lil’ soft spot for all the artists on this list, but it was loads of humorous fun pulling the lyrics for our Top Five Menstrual Songs:

5. “Cause my swag is serious/Something heavy like a first-day period.”—Janet Jackson, “Feedback”, Discipline
I’m confused. Janet’s periods are heavy on the first day? That sucks.

Nerve.com and the Independent Film Channel teamed up to produce a list of “The 50 Worst Sex Scenes In Cinema”, and while the list is seriously impressive and I found myself laughing out loud remembering the terribleness of the love scene in Howard The Duck, I also noticed that a few of the chosen scenes featured rape. There’s Irréversible, Hollowman, and Crank (well, that one is described as “rape-esque”). Obviously, this is a “worst” list, not a “best” list so it’s not like the editors are applauding the sexiness of these scenes, but I think it’s kind of weird to consider a rape scene (like the incredibly disturbing one in Irréversible) as a sex scene at all. Anyway, what do you all think? [Oh, and FYI, #1 is that god awful butter scene in Last Tango In Paris.) [IFC.com—A few of the images and all of the videos are NSFW]

After Ellen put together a list of the 100 Hottest Women according to women (not, as most of these lists tend to be decided, according to men). The list was pleasing and interesting in the way you’d expect a list like this would be, if the people determining it didn’t suffer from big-boobs-equals-eyes-glazed-over-syndrome. We were psyched to see Tina Fey top the list, as well as Ellen Page, Katherine Moennig, Kate Winslet, and Mia Kirshner. But as usual, this list made us think about the ladies who didn’t make the list that always make the grade in hot list put together by men. Which women do men find insanely hot that we just don’t understand? Our Top Five list begins with:

5. Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls I would include the entire group of these assinine felines, but sources tell me dudes only find Nicole hot. First of all, I find all that prancing around, talking about pushing on buttons really offensive to, you know, girl power, not to mention the opposite of sexy. She’s like a blowup doll, only with less personality.

We totally love cheesy, awesome, dancey R&B songs, especially when we listen closely to the lyrics and crack up. Usher’s “Love In This Club” provided much joy with the line, “I want to bag you like some groceries,” but it’s time to call attention to some other poetic words of love and lust from R&B MCs. Here are five of our favorite lines…

5. “Now your body’s got me feelin’ like spending/With a backroom I could come to live in/And your hair weave looking kind of pretty/The way you back it up on me baby/Lord have mercy.”—R. Kelly, “Feelin’ On Yo Booty”, TP-2.com
R. Kelly has a thing for big butts, especially on the dance floor. This particular lady has a butt that R. Kelly would like to move into. It doesn’t hurt that her hair weave is looking nice too. If I was this woman, I would be concerned, because we have all heard about what R. Kelly likes to do with butts he likes. Just sayin’.

This morning Catherine and I were talking about Gossip Girl and how we find the guy who plays Dan really unattractive due to his annoying mouth and weird walk. Then we started going off about all the seemingly “hot” guys out there that everyone oohs and ahhs over that we really think are gross and came up with a short list of ones we agreed upon.
5. Orlando Bloom Have you ever seen him in Troy, that atrocious Brad Pitt movie? He plays the biggest wimpy turd. Honestly, thinking about him in the role, and how convincing he was, makes my stomach turn. Plus, look at that pube ‘stache. Barf.

Maxim just released their latest Hot 100 list and swimsuit model Marissa Miller grabbed the top spot. All in all, the list was filled with the usual suspects—Christina Aguilera, Eva Longoria, Lindsay Lohan—and some surprisingly cool women we’re proud of Maxim for pickings—Zooey Deschanel, America Ferrara, and Kat Von D. But we did have some suggestions for who we would have included—and who we would have have dropped. The Top Five Additions (and Subtractions) after the jump…

The website AltPenis.com compiled a list of the ten greatest penises of all time, but instead of depending on size as the end all, be all criteria for determining the list, the focus was on the myth and lore of the piece itself. Howard Stern (known for being very, very average), Jonah Falcon (known for being very, very large), and John Holmes (just very, very well-known) make an appearance. Can you guess the others? [AltPenis.com] (Link is NSFW if you consider a big weiner in a jar to be racy.)

Sex can do a lot of things. It can get you knocked up, give you an STD, or make you feel glorious, and doctors and researchers just love spouting off the benefits of having a healthy sex life. Some of us, however, don’t have that going for us. Whether you’re just having a dry spell or you’re saving yourself for marriage, here’s how to get the same benefits you would if you were boning.