Week after week millions of viewers tune in for another gripping episode of pseudo reality series The Hills, oftentimes for reasons that they themselves don’t understand. Whether you love it or are fed up with all the hype and the never-ending Heidi vs Lauren feud, there’s no denying that this show is perhaps the guiltiest of guilty pleasures. While Lauren Conrad’s relationship track record is pretty bleak, her date-night ensemble choices have rendered her a bona fide fashion mini-icon. As long as you stay away from dating complete tools, borrowing a play or two from the LC fashion play book can really help you score big on your next date.

Heidi Montag went on David Letterman last night and totally gave her side of the story on the whole Lauren Conrad sex tape thingy. Strangely, suddenly we kind of believe her! She comes off as weirdly well-spoken and eloquent for being such a dumb-dumb in actuality. Anyway, too bad she showed up wearing the most horrendous outfit ever made. A negligee dress and gold shoes? Girl, put it away.

Remember how there was all that drama over Lauren Conrad having a sex tape with her ex-boyfriend? And how she thought Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt spread “that sick little rumor”? Well Heidi and Spencer went on The Tyra Show and once again confirmed that there is a sex tape, but that they didn’t tell the press—that Lauren’s ex-boyfriend leaked it when he tried to sell the tape to a distributor. Oooh dang. I, for one, think there probably is a sex tape, but I think it’s far more likely that the evil duo spread the rumor. Because, I mean, they won’t shut up about it.

Isn’t it funny how some things never change? Stephen Colletti is one of those things. He still chews gum like a lazy, chill surfer bro, he still talks in broken slang, and he still looks like he’s 14. An adorable, sexy 14, but still…he’s 23. Anyway, Stephen tooks LC to dinner and they exchanged a lot of knowing looks, memories of Laguna Beach, and the usual “you’ll always be such a good friend”-nonsense. I have a feeling Stephen needed a job after his meal ticket, Hayden Panettiere, dumped him. But still, he’s fine to look at! Clip above!

Whoa. Just last night while we were watching The Hills and thinking, “Lauren Conrad has such pretty hair. She probably has a stylist do it before the cameras turn on, but still. Even when she’s hungover after a long night fighting at Area with Brody, she still looks fab as she sits and doesn’t work at Teen Vogue.” College Fashion Blog has read our mind and has a How To Guide to Lauren’s many hairstyles. Now if only we didn’t find flat ironing our hair so effing boring. [College Fashion Blog]

You can laugh at this statement, but there’s a lot to be learned from The Hills about dating and family etiquette. For example:

“I don’t think it makes me any less of a feminist because my emotions are affected. I think that I’m very independent and I don’t let guys affect my life. I think in the past I have, and I’ve learned from it. I don’t depend on men. I have my own career.”—Lauren Conrad, in response to The New York Times assertion that Heidi Montag is a feminist hero because she doesn’t pine after guys. [On a personal note, I cannot believe these two twits are who the Times wants us to choose from.] [Celeb Edge via Jezebel]

Heavy’s “Over The Hills” series is hysterical, mostly because it features the actual dialogue from the real MTV show. Check out this clip of a crotchety old Lauren running into retirees Heidi and Spencer at a club. Why does Heidi have a Southern accent? She’s from Crested Butte, Colorado! [Heavy]

Whoa, The Hills in all its scripted glory, was awesome. It should always be an hour! The show, back for a mini-interim season, started off with Lauren and Whitney headed to Paris to help out Teen Vogue at the Crillon Ball, a fancy-schmancy debutante event for rich socialite kids. Within, like, seconds of landing at Charles de Gaulle Airport, Whitney and Lauren immediately start to slack off on their, you know, jobs by opting to pick up their ball gowns instead of running Teen Vogue errands, while Lauren finds out Brody has managed to find a girlfriend since she left L.A. Seriously, time moves fast in LC’s world. Back in L.A., Spencer is shedding a tear into his beer because Heidi has headed back to the homey, unpretentious Colorado town that managed to spit out her trashtastic, gossip-chasing self, in order to get some breathing room from their sad little relationship.

Our favorite craptastic TV show is back tonight and we’re so excited. However, just in case you haven’t been keeping as close of tabs as we have on Lauren, Heidi, Spencer, Brody, Audrina, and Whitney, here are some things you’ve might have missed:

Check it out at MTV.com.

Catherine and I IM’d in a frenzy this morning about the snoozefest that was The Hills season finale (or wasssss it???) last night, so we’ll get to a recap in a second, but earlier in the day, TMZ reported that Heidi and Spencer (known in the blogosphere as “Speidi”) have called off their totally ridiculous engagement. They’re still together, but we’re hoping these two losers go the way of another broken engagement—Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Sure enough, Heidi walked the “red carpet” solo and left before the live taping at LA club Area could begin (Lauren put the kibosh on Heidi actually attending the festivities). After the jump, Catherine and I exchange a totally disappointed IM about our favorite show on Earth. But on a positive note, we’re both obviously on Team Brody.