I consider myself a bit of a celebrity sex tape connoisseur. Watching celebrities have sex for real, kind of reminds me that they’re human, just like the rest of us. Seeing celebrities use the toilet would probably have the same effect, but it’s not as fun. Anyway, here are the top eight you should really know about, where you might find them if they were carried in a video store, and some key tidbits in order to increase your potential to be a good dinner party guest. Because people LOVE to talk about celebrity sex tapes over tuna casserole, trust me.

1. “One Night In Paris” starring Paris Hilton & Rick Solomon
Where To Find It: Next to “The Blair Witch Project”, filed under “night vision goggles” and “totally overrated.”
Best Scene: Paris literally texts away on her Sidekick while Solomon has his way with her.

Thank you MTV for finally pulling together two episodes where SOMETHING actually happened on this dang show, and two episodes in a row nonetheless!  Let’s start with my favorite quote by our token traitor, Stephanie Pratt.  “You broke up with a guy who has a private jet?” Stephanie quips to Lauren.  Classic, but as Lauren pointed out, they were still on it weren’t they? Sigh, these kids live the life.

Every week I wonder why it is that I’m still watching and using coveted DVR space for The Hills.  I’m sorry, maybe these girls are more interesting in real life, but NOTHING happens on this show. Last night I watched 22 minutes of Lauren deciding that she and Doug should just be friends.  Seriously?

In her 90210 rise to stardom, Shannen Doherty had it all—fame, fortune, and the most glamorous bitch face on television. Over a decade later, we’re genuinely surprised Shannen isn’t still in the public eye or happily hitched to some billionaire with a pompadour. But after being a brat and leaving the show that made her a household name, she’s still magically managed to keep her career afloat (though on life support) with made-for-TV movies and shows like Charmed. And now that she’s signed on to the new 90210, Shannen is poised again for serious stardom.  So how can she take her life to the next level now that she’s suddenly gone from D-list to C-list?  We here at The Frisky have some ideas to put this bitch back on magazine covers!

Lo Bosworth has managed to go from funny, affable dumb-but-in-a-cute-way best friend to totally bitchy and evil in a matter of episodes. Lo reminds me of the girls in high school who, even while they’re chatting with you, were totally judging your outfit and your hair and what you were eating. On last night’s episode of The Hills, it’s the aftermath of the Lo/Audrina talk/fight, where Audrina basically told Lo she didn’t give a hoot about being friends with her and Lo passive aggressively laid the blame for their mutual awkwardness on Audrina. I sort of thought Audrina was harsh, until last night, when it because clear that Lo is just not as adorable and funny as we thought—girlfriend undresses you with her eyes, to the point where all you want to do is leave—and that’s what Audrina did.

Lauren Conrad, from MTV’s The Hills unveiled her fall 2008 collection, le vie en rose, recently. I’m not really impressed because I’ve pretty much seen every piece somewhere else. She changed up the fabrics or added a little detail here and there, but the feel is no different from everything else being offered by trend-driven retailers. And the prices are ridiculous for what she’s selling ($58 leggings, seriously?). Now I’m not a proponent of stealing from a designer, but since LC borrowed heavily from the trend world, I decided to peruse the Web for less expensive versions of her clothing.

The thing is, with the gossip magazines and bloggers reporting every little thing that goes down in the interim, are we even going to be surprised by the fake melodrama? We already know Heidi and Spencer are back together; we know Lauren and Audrina continue to fight; we know Lauren dates a couple dudes not named Stephen or Brody. I mean, they better have some stuff they’ve kept hidden, or this could be a boring season. Sigh. Whatever, still excited.

“I Google all my dates! But I don’t believe everything I read though. I Google pictures to see ex-girlfriends and stuff.”—Lauren Conrad [via Pop Sugar]

If I were Lauren, I’d be a little pissed. Heidi gets to be the answer question on Jeopardy? Also, can you hear Alex Trebek saying “duh”? [Fashionista]

Summer time opens the door for a myriad of new date-night destinations, mainly, the daytime, outdoors date. This scenario can sometimes pose a bit of a dilemma, one that I actually grappled with last Sunday. On the one hand, you want to look cute and make a lasting impression. On the other, you don’t want to be that girl strolling around in an ensemble that should never see the light of day and has everyone wondering if you’re embarking on a notorious walk of shame. To help you find the perfect day-date ensemble, I’ve looked to the queen of laid back, summer-cool, effortlessly chic style, Lauren Conrad. Lauren stepped out at the Celebrity Carnival in a summer white Foley + Corinna dress that was totally day-time appropriate with a subdued, understated sexy vibe.

Did she step in dog poo? Is there a dead bird on the side of the road? Did her Louboutin just break? [Crown Bar, Hollywood, 7/02/08]

“I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God…. God knows the truth in all of [the Lauren Conrad sex tape rumors], and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know?”—The Hills’ Heidi Montag

Why does this girl look like she got styled before heading to the gym? [Los Angeles, 6/17/08]