To make a long story short, my breakup is officially official. It became sort of official a few months ago when I decided to call it a breakup rather than a “break” or a “separation,” but it didn’t become officially official until my ex told me, a week ago, that he was no longer in love with me. Until that point, I was definitely holding out hope for a potential reconciliation—after all, the “break” was supposed to be time for him to explore and deal with his issues—but when someone tells you that they don’t love you anymore, well, whether you believe them or not, and whether you think they need serious help, you kind of just need to accept it and move on. So I did. And it cost me $527. But it was worth it.

Locking lips. Making out. Smooching. Kissing. It sounds so pleasant and easy, yet do a little research and you’ll soon discover that while everyone may be doing it, few are doing it well. For your edification, I have rounded up the different varieties of bad kissers and broken them down by the traits they share with members of the animal kingdom: 

Iguana: Characterized by cool, dry lips, and a tiny pink tongue, Lizard Lips is about as arousing as, well, a small reptile crawling around your mouth. One victim noted, “He’d dart his tongue in and out at a million flicks per second. Kissing is supposed to get you hot, not give you calluses.”

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

As winter sets in, I just wanted to put your mind at ease because the cold sore has a bit of a misleading name. It’s a common misconception that weather more frigid than a nun could cause you to get a cold sore, but ironically, too much sun can actually increase your chances of an outbreak. While cold sores are a type of the herpes simplex virus, they are also called “fever blisters” because having the flu can up the odds of getting one. But alas, stress, hormonal changes—like getting your period, skin injuries, a lowered immune system, and added stress—can also bring it on.  But what eggs on a flare up is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the real cause of the problem, the herpes simplex virus. So, here’s everything you need to know about the blister and what you can do with your mister…

On last night’s “Gossip Girl,” Jenny started hanging out with a crowd that dances in their underwear while being photographed—scandalous! Nate was acting like an overprotective older brother until Jenny laid one on him and the two started making out hard-core on the sidewalk. I’m not sure whether you can tell from the above clip, but the kissing was really jerky. Taylor Momson (Jenny) and Chace Crawford (Nate) try their best to make the kiss look passionate, but it just looks artificial. Maybe because Taylor is 15 and Chace is 23.

Guys like watching girls make out. When men spot girl-on-girl action, it’s like moths to a flame. This summer, there have been plenty for dudes to gawk at, seeing as being a lesbian is the new new thing. From Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl” to Megan Fox admitting she fell for a stripper named Nikita, going girl gay is everywhere. But what about us gawkers? Women get the shaft when it comes to “Brokeback Mountain”-style bromances. We want to know. Does two dudes making out do it for you?

Too bad she’s not going to get anything but a nice coat of lipstick. [Backstage before Max Azria, 9/9/2008]

McDreamy and McSteamy aren’t the only studs heating up Grey’s Anatomy. On Thursday’s episode, there was some bonus guy-on-guy action. A couple hot-bodied and hot-blooded military men we’re making soft-lipped love. One was even still in his uniform—God Bless America! If you’d like to get in on the drama, check out the clip above. This is especially cool considering the show had some gay bashing problems backstage last year. Now, fingers crossed they’ll get Steams and Dreams to make out…talk about a fantasy sequence!

During last night’s surprise appearance by Barack Obama at the third night of the Democratic National Convention, we totally did a double-take when we saw the dashing Senator from Illinois plant a big one on Jill Biden, the wife of his running mate, Joe Biden. Was it on purpose and platonic mouth kisses are suddenly the new show of affection in Washington, or was it an accident? Who knows, but certainly the accidental mouth kiss is something we’ve all endured…

Just like tasting ice cream flavors, sampling sex with a new guy is what being young and single is all about. Sure, you can have your fun, but what do you do when the sun comes up? After a night of hot humpin’, it’s time to get back to your regular bump-and-grind.  Here’s how to fulfill your contract after you’ve sealed the deal….

1. Set Your Alarm Get up and out!  Unless you know for sure that you’re going to do breakfast, beat the awkward morning-after by waking up before him. Just make sure you say good-bye (see below).

The hit song of the summer, I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry, is the soundtrack for a new sexual revolution. From co-ed LUG’s to Hollywood’s hottest stars, girl-on-girl action is steaming up the streets and screens across the U.S. What publicly started with Madonna kissing Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera at the Video Music Awards in 2003, has grown into a full-on, leggings-style TREND.

Bad kissers can destroy good chemistry. No one likes to be slobbered all over and it’s especially embarrassingly in public. But before you go kicking honky lips to the curb, remember, sex is all about communication and any new lover needs some coaching on techniques to turn you on. While talking to a man about his moves is always a precarious situation, it must be done! Granted you have to tread more gently than when you snuck home after curfew as a teenager.  So how do you stop the drool?  Howcast.com has created an instructional video (see above) to talk you through your lip service problem. Watch, learn, and make out!

Friday marked the sweet 16th Anniversary of my first kiss—conveniently also on Independence Day.  I thought it was going to go down just like DJ Tanner and Steve on Full House. In my case, the poor kid licked my face and then ran back to the boy’s side of my sleep away camp.  I’d never seen a fat kid run so fast.  But I also found out two key things over the summer make-out session: 1. Practice makes perfect. 2. Spring may have its flings, but in summer, things really heat up. We all want to be naked, we’re already warmed up, and everyone is out and about, strutting their stuff and bumping into strangers. It’s a booty buffet and this summer is already looking pretty steamy!  Have you ladies been putting the ho in hot too? Confess in the comments…

You’ve probably already had your fill of indie emo guys slobbering all over you. Just kidding, who can get enough?  Converse, makers of the sneakers for at least 50% of the guys you dated in college, have just released KissingwithRoss.com, an “Average Joe” style ad campaign, but his makin’ out is above average. He gets right up on the lense and goes for it, tongue and all.  Okay, so usually when we’re licking someone’s face, we close our eyes, but Ross is giving us a reason to keep our peepers open. [Ad Freak]

A lesbian couple taking in a Seattle Mariners game were told by an usher that they would have to stop their PDA if they wanted to watch the remaining innings—a woman nearby had complained that there were children nearby, as if two people smooching is akin to an X-rated movie. You know what’s lame about this? Last time I was at a Yankee game, I saw a couple exploring each other’s tonsils for, like, 30 minutes and no one said a thing. And I didn’t care either for the record, I love to watch people and laugh. According to Sirbrina Guerrero, one of the women in question, “There was a couple like seven rows ahead making out. We were just showing affection.” The usher said that parents shouldn’t have to explain to their kids why two women were kissing. I disagree. They absolutely should. They should say, “Yes, those two people are kissing. Probably because they like each other or even love each other. Isn’t that nice? Now stop staring and pay attention to the game. These tickets cost me $50.” Well that’s what I would say anyway. [CNN.com]

Yesterday Kiki T and Suzie Heumann had a lil’ disagreement about whether kissing is better with you have your eyes wide open or your eyes wide shut. We decided to settle things by asking you.

Kissing is a strange phenomenon. At its most basic, kissing involves you and another person touching lips. Later, if you’re advanced, the lips part, tongues get involved, and spit is swapped. Sometimes there’s biting. Kissing is perhaps the most glorious invention ever, but like other wonders of the world (i.e., peanut butter), it’s not always good (Skippy, for example, is way too salty). The worst kiss I have ever been party to still makes me cringe when I think back on it. The gentleman seemed to think utilizing techniques typically reserved for going down on a woman would enhance the moment. It did not. Amelia’s worst involved a man making out with her armpit. Have you had worse than us? For your sake I hope not, but for our sake, I hope so. Please share.

I just stumbled upon the most adorable site called BestKisses.com which is just filled with pictures of people, animals, things, whatever, kissing. You can submit your own photo too and they may just put it up alongside photos of camels kissing, and babies and dads kissing, and couples kissing. Do you think they will accept this photo of me kissing myself? [BestKisses.com]

Devout Buddhist Richard Gere, who regularly travels to India, was facing obscenity charges for his kiss heard ‘round the world.  Last year, at an AIDS fundraiser in New Delhi, the actor swooped up one of Bollywood’s biggest stars, Shilpa Shetty, and planted a few kisses on her cheek and hand. But the bigger dip appeared to be Gere, whose controversial smooth moves are considered vulgar by traditional Indian culture. While the stunning stunt caused public protests and uproar, at his trial yesterday, the Supreme Court graciously threw the case against Gere out citing cultural differences.  The Justices just slapped him on the wrist, saying his actions were for publicity and brought a “bad name” on the country. Sounds like they’re not too impressed by the American Gigolo-act. [Reuters]