MUSIC

• Rachel Yamagata Elephants…Teeth Sinking Into Heart The folksy singer likes to tell it low and slow with a piano, but upbeat tracks like “Sidedish Friend” have her even more upset. We totes understand, friends with benefits throw us all off our game!

Kim Kardashian and her booty got booted on “Dancing with the Stars” last night, which greatly pleased me. She was a fish out of water on the dance floor. Sure, she said she’s “shy” and doesn’t have any dance experience, but she could have at least shown some expression on her face! Judge Carrie Ann Inaba was right when she told Kim: “There is something about you that I think is so appealing. Everybody is so attracted to watching you. We want you to do well.” People thought Kim would be able to dance well because of the way she looks, but maybe she never had to learn how to move like a sex goddess because men will drool all over her no matter what. Speaking of moves, do you think Kim’s dancing skills are a reflection of how she performs in the bedroom?

I consider myself a bit of a celebrity sex tape connoisseur. Watching celebrities have sex for real, kind of reminds me that they’re human, just like the rest of us. Seeing celebrities use the toilet would probably have the same effect, but it’s not as fun. Anyway, here are the top eight you should really know about, where you might find them if they were carried in a video store, and some key tidbits in order to increase your potential to be a good dinner party guest. Because people LOVE to talk about celebrity sex tapes over tuna casserole, trust me.

1. “One Night In Paris” starring Paris Hilton & Rick Solomon
Where To Find It: Next to “The Blair Witch Project”, filed under “night vision goggles” and “totally overrated.”
Best Scene: Paris literally texts away on her Sidekick while Solomon has his way with her.

Courtenay Semel has seen more millionaire cooch than a Beverly Hills gyno. All summer long, she’s had a celeb on her arm, her name in the headlines, and money in the bank.  A staple of the elite social scene, this a party-girl extraordinaire has been heating up Hollywood nights, but who is the mysterious scissor sister named Semel? 

LOVES: She recently made headlines as Lindsay Lohan’s first lesbian lover, but this bad girl has hooked up with more of the creme de la creme. Linked to Casey Johnson (as in Johnson & Johnson), Courtenay likes bitches as rich she is. But alas money doesn’t buy class, and now Courtenay is with reality TV/MySpace “star” Tila Tequila. Only dating for a few weeks, the match made in attention whore heaven has already been hitting the red carpets together. Looks like Tila’s getting yet another shot at love.

On Friday, we heard that Reggie Bush wants Kim Kardashian to lose weight because she has too much junk in the trunk. It seems a trend is developing…either that or men are losing their dang minds. Chris Brown reportedly told Rihanna to stop wearing revealing outfits. Apparently, he is worried her clothing will attract too many male admirers. But isn’t that the point? Let’s be honest, the whole appeal of Rihanna is her image. [Her songs are pretty catchy too!—Ed.] Young women want to copy her style, and young men want her on their arm. If you take away the racy stage costumes, what is left besides a pretty face? Rihanna, who has not confirmed her relationship with Chris, should get herself a more mature man who is more trusting and actually appreciates the work she puts into her look. [China Daily]

But all this got us thinking…would the guys on our IM ever be so judgmental of their girlfriends’ fashion choices? Amelia finds out, after the jump…

Kim Kardashian is the finest piece of ass. But despite the admiration of the populous, the press, and Sir Mixalot, her moneymaker is going under-appreciated. How? Why?! Blame it on her man: Reggie Bush.  Dude actually wants her to loose the extra junk in her trunk, her claim to fame. What?! Kimmie girl needs to listen to Beyonce’s Bootylicious on repeat, get some self-esteem, and ditch the douche. He’s clearly not ready for that jelly and as a rule for a media queen, only keep the things that work for you. [Celebitchy]

After Ellen put together a list of the 100 Hottest Women according to women (not, as most of these lists tend to be decided, according to men). The list was pleasing and interesting in the way you’d expect a list like this would be, if the people determining it didn’t suffer from big-boobs-equals-eyes-glazed-over-syndrome. We were psyched to see Tina Fey top the list, as well as Ellen Page, Katherine Moennig, Kate Winslet, and Mia Kirshner. But as usual, this list made us think about the ladies who didn’t make the list that always make the grade in hot list put together by men. Which women do men find insanely hot that we just don’t understand? Our Top Five list begins with:

5. Nicole Scherzinger from The Pussycat Dolls I would include the entire group of these assinine felines, but sources tell me dudes only find Nicole hot. First of all, I find all that prancing around, talking about pushing on buttons really offensive to, you know, girl power, not to mention the opposite of sexy. She’s like a blowup doll, only with less personality.

Sarah Michelle Geller is back—and she’s got herself some too! The former Buffy star is busting out with three new movies this year, including Southland Tales, in which she plays a porn star.  As shooting wrapped and Sarah Michelle was leaving the set, she just had to snatch one x-rated prop to take home with her. What was her must-have memento? Geller grabbed a fake porn DVD jacket starring her character, that had been created for the film.  Since Sarah Michelle doesn’t do nudie scenes or exposure of any kind, the filmmakers had her face Photoshopped onto the DVD wrapping. “They let me pick the body of the girl they put my head on: I picked one with a curvy body and butt,” Sarah Michelle said.  We’re kind of surprised the producers didn’t just hire Kim Kardashian. [Star Pulse]

I’m just gonna say it. I love the Kardashian sisters. They really know about family values. Here they are instructing their littlest sister, Kendall, about periods! I don’t know about you, but even I learned something, and I’ve had my period since I was 12. [E!: Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s]

You probably heard about the LifeStyles photo booth that prints pics atop a strip of condoms. Kim Kardashian and Reggie Bush were among the celebs who used it to get a little privacy at a Sundance party this January. Well, we heard that LifeStyles was possibly going to bring the booth to Perez Hilton’s birthday bash. They ultimately decided against it, but Perez still managed to get a branded photo booth at his party, and the sponsor, interestingly enough, was K-Y Brand (the makers of lube). Apparently sex and photo booths make for a nice combo.

Malaysia’s minister of health, Chua Soi Lek, announced his resignation today after trying (and failing) to brave a sex-tape scandal. This proves that starring in a raunchy video is an unforgivable act outside of Hollywood, despite Kim Kardashian’s statement that “Everyone has sex with their boyfriend. Everyone takes pictures.” Before the minister’s tape came out, he was dealing with infidelity rumors. Then, he was caught on camera, from FOUR different angles, with a “friend.” The minister didn’t deny that it’s him on screen but wants everyone to know that he didn’t have any part in the making of the video, which was edited into two full-length DVDs. As the minister of health, couldn’t he have claimed they were part of a new sex education effort? [NY Times, The Lede]

Harry Potter got naked; Dumbledore came out. Kim Kardashian used her sex tape to become “famous”; A nobody pretended she was Meg White so somebody would watch her sex tape. Less attractive men slept with hot women; Hot women impregnated by less-attractive men decided to keep the babies. Presidential candidates paraded their trophy wives; Hillary Clinton displayed her cleavage. Ah, the memories. [Salon]