Want to smell like lube, latex, and love juice? Then buy porn star Jenna Jameson’s just launched fragrance “Heartbreaker.” Named after, of course, the tattoo on her ass, the perfume also comes with a poster of Jenna, which makes sense, considering the only people we can envision buying this scent are her male fans who need something to inhale when they masturbate. Clearly, anyone can get a fragrance deal these days. After the jump, five stars who have yet to concoct a signature scent and the fragrance we envision for them…

Tom Cruise is no longer a Hollywood idol. The paparazzi love following him and we enjoy watching his crazy interviews. But I can’t remember the last time I saw one of his new releases. His overworked publicity team has noticed that few non-Scientology people respect Cruise anymore, so they’re trying to improve his “screen-idol status.” After the jump, find out what features the New and Improved Tom Cruise will have.

Besties Katie Holmes and Victoria Beckham both have major ad campaigns coming out shot by famed photography duo Mert Alas and Marcus Piggott. The first photos were just released (above), and they’ve actually made us remember why these ladies are celebrities. Sure, Katie looks a little possessed, and Victoria looks a little dead, but don’t they seem glamorous? (And by glamorous, we mean bored out of their minds.) We might not even mind being married to Tom Cruise if we got to wear that Miu Miu dress Katie has on. [Vogue UK]

Kristin Davis, a New York madam whose clients included Lov Gov Eliot Spitzer, weighs on what she thinks celebrities would be worth if they were to leave behind their careers as thespians and take up working as call girls. Find out her top ten picks for celebrity escorts after the jump.

Last week our own astrosexologist extraordinaire, Kiki T, got “In Bed With” our President Elect, Barack Obama. This week she’s analyzing the astrological chart of a breakout movie star (you’ll have to check back on Friday to see who!), but we’d like your input on who she should get beneath the sheets with next week. Whose sex life are you dying to know more about?

She just loves to wear genie pants for a night out on the town with husband Tom Cruise. [New York City, 10/16/08]

Last night I went and saw Katie Holmes in Arthur Miller’s play “All My Sons”. Now, originally I was going to compare Katie Holmes Broadway debut to Sarah Palin’s VP debate: As long as she didn’t run off the stage screaming, vomit, or totally blank on her lines, then it was a success. But then I realized, this was just too mean for the once lovable Joey Potter. Admit it, we all used to love Katie Holmes pre-Tom Cruise — before she became a robot and was renamed “Kate”.

Remember her on “Dawson’s Creek” as little Joey Potter who, both on-and-off- screen, dated the adorable, age-appropriate Pacey? Remember when she tried to seduce Michael Douglas in “Wonder Boys”, and we kinda wished he’d gone for her? Remember when she actually “acted” in “Pieces of April”, and came pretty darn close to pulling off quirky and deep? See! You used to like her! I did too! BUT, does this mean she belongs onstage opposite the fabulous Diane Wiest and legendary John Lithgow? Hell no, Xenu. But I’ll give her an A for effort.

What if Katie Holmes posted homemade videos about her life on YouTube and gave the world a look inside one of the more mysterious marriages in Hollywood? That’s what the chick behind Don’tCallMeJoey has in mind when she films herself impersonating the former Dawson’s Creek star and wife of Tom Cruise—her resemblance to the actress is uncanny, as are her vocal inflections, and the result is hilarious. Check out the clip of “Katie” drunk, above, as well as others on her YouTube page.

Go on girl! Won’t be long before Mommy and Daddy stop you from mining for gold in public. [New York City, 8/18/08]

Those are some seriously metrosexual, Euro-trash glasses on Tom Cruise, by the way. [New York City, 8/15/08]