MUSIC

• Jessica Simpson Do You Know Simpson’s new country record, Do You Know, begs the questions, do you care?  The change in sound from pop to her Texas roots is supposed to be a fresh new image for this bottle blonde, but she still sounds ready made.

Not like we haven’t already seen Lindsay Lohan’s whole kit and kaboodle thanks to the paparazzi, bottle service, her refusal to wear panties, and that little Marilyn Monroe-inspired shoot for New York. But Playboy just offered the hottest lesbian in Hollywood $700,000 to pose nude for their magazine. Surprisingly enough, Lohan said “NO!” It’s amazing how love can change a girl. I can’t tell if this decision was brilliant or a bomb, but here’s how other stars have fared after telling Hugh Hefner to bug off, plus fifteen stars who’ve said “Yes” to Hef and have seen their stars sky rocket—and tank.

Wired.com recently created an algorithm widget-thingamajig called Celebrity Meter, which will tell you exactly how internet famous you are by tallying the number of webpages linking to you and how many friends you have on various social networks. But before you go running off to calculate whether you’re famous enough to need an alias the next time you make dinner reservations or a bodyguard when you go out in public, think about what it actually means to be internet famous. Will designers start clamoring to dress you? Will the tabloids start seeing a ‘baby bump’ every time you indulge in a burger? And will John McCain spoof you in his next campaign ad? Just how different is internet fame from real life fame? To get a better idea, let’s compare two archetypes: Julia Allison, who’s internet famous (and WIRED Magazine’s covergirl this month), and Jessica Simpson who’s real life famous. Both women are in their late 20’s, both admittedly love the limelight and all things girlie, and both are interested in promoting themselves as brands. So how do they stack up against one another?

This photo made us laugh so hard because it looks like Jessica is just an extra appendage on Tony’s body. FREAKY. [Janesville, WI, 6/27/08]

“Did you know that Chicken of the Sea isn’t really chicken, little baby? I know! That’s crazy huh?!” [Los Angeles, 7/02/08]

You can serve the entire country in the military, but the military won’t let you serve yourself.  Did you know that our troops in Iraq aren’t allowed porn?  (If only The Frisky’s cookies could talk, we’d never get drafted!) Our poor overseas personnel who are risking their lives aren’t even allowed to have dirty magazines. All they get are visits from Jessica Simpson.  While the no porno rule supposedly isn’t strictly enforced for combat troops, it just got a contractor sent home. ITT small-arms repairman Brian Sayler was given a free lap dance and some DVDs while on leave visiting his hometown.  A Stoughton, Massachusetts stripper named Cassidey gave him some of her films for free, which he brought back to Iraq with him. When his bunk was searched, the poor patriot was promptly fired. Isn’t this the wrong battle to be fighting? [Boston Magazine]

It was hot and sweaty in NYC yesterday, but that didn’t stop Jessica Simpson from going out for sushi. [New York City, 6/10/08]

Jessica Simpson has been hard at work on a country album for the last year and her new single, “Come On Over”, was just leaked. Check it out here and then tell us what you think. Personally, I like really crappy music (in addition to good music), so I kind of think it’s catchy. But that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s quality.

Apparently Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo are not too over to freak on the dance floor. [People, 5/21/08]