Dear Jessica,

Happy belated birthday! I hope you’ve given some thought to my suggestions in the last letter I wrote to you. It seems perhaps you have since you’ve maintained a healthy weight over the last few months and haven’t yo-yo’d all over the scale. Personally, I think you look great with a little meat on your bones and it’s not your size that I’m writing about now — it’s your love life.

Oh, Jessica. Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. I heard Tony dumped you the night before your birthday and I was just furious for you! What kind of jerk dumps a girl the night before her Ken-and-Barbie birthday?! But then I heard that the impetus may have been some texts Tony found on your phone from your ex, John Mayer. Oh, Jessica! You and I both know a man doesn’t go snooping through your phone or email unless he’s got reason to be suspicious! So what gives? Are you really still hung up on John?

What’s worse than getting dumped right before your birthday? Getting dumped right before your Ken and Barbie-themed birthday party!!! This is exactly what happened to Jessica Simpson when Tony Romo broke it off with her. Obvs, Jess canceled the fiesta because, without Ken, Barbie just can’t go on. [People] — We think the spilit might’ve happened when Tony realized he was dating a five-year-old? After the jump, our predictions for what this party could’ve been.

• Tony Romo reportedly broke up with girlfriend Jessica Simpson last Thursday, the night before her 29th birthday. [People] —Ouch!
• HBO is developing a new drama series based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning novel Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides. The series will trace the life, family history, and complicated sexual identity of character Cal Stephanides, a hermaphrodite. [Broadcasting Cable]—Hopefully the series will do the (great) novel justice.
• Scarlett Johansson is the new face of the clothing line, Mango. According to the company, Johansson embodies the ideal Mango woman—“chic, independent, and cosmopolitan.” [Just Jared]

When I heard a few months ago that pop star Jessica Simpson was considering a reality TV show about “real beauty,” I was thrilled. Finally! A celeb who sought to use the negative press attention towards her and spin it a positive way! In the wake of the offensive tabloid lynch mob over Simpson’s “mom jeans” weight gain, taking the high road seemed like a classy thing to do.

The details of said show are finally out: in a docu-series called “The Price of Beauty” for VH1, Simpson will travel around the world speaking to women about the lengths they go to to achieve physical perfection, including their diets, clothes and beauty regimens. 

It does sounds like a cool premise for a TV program. But when I read Jessica’s statement regarding her show, I came to my senses about just who the feel-good, body-positive “messenger” is.

Most girls want to be just like their big sisters, right? Well, that can be hard when your big sis is big time. Miley Cyrus’ little sister, Noah, is only nine, but she’s already showing signs of becoming a mini-Miley. Exhibit A: her YouTube series “Noie and Em.” Exhibit B: the fact that she goes by Noie, which sounds an awful lot like Miley. Exhibit C: the other day, Noie was photographed on the red carpet wearing a pink Juicy Couture dress, way too much mascara, and pounding a Red Bull. Supposedly, Noie has her sights set on Disney, like someone we know. “I love my sister Miley,” she said. “When I grow up I want to be just like her.” Right, because Miley is so grown up herself.

After the jump, an ode to the little sisters of Hollywood.

• Lance Armstrong’s girlfriend Anna Hansen gave birth to their son Max last night. [Dlisted]—And he’s already made his internet debut via Twitter!
• Jessica Simpson gave Tony Romo a $100,000 speedboat for his birthday. [Perez Hilton]—Her shoe line must be doing very well because we know she doesn’t make big money from her music.
• While Kate Gosselin is in North Carolina with her sextuplets, Jon is at home with the twins filming scenes for their reality show. He says their marital problems are a private manner. [E! Online]—Hmm, maybe he should stop posing for tabloid covers, while he’s at it.

Jessica Simpson made headlines with her MTV reality show “Newlyweds,” especially after her famous Chicken of the Sea line. The show ended, as did Nick and Jess’ marriage. That’s why I was surprised to hear that Simpson is giving reality TV a second try with a new show, “The Price of Beauty.” This time around, the focus will be on “society’s scrutiny of women’s bodies.” Simpson, who has received a lot of flack in the press for a spike in weight exaggerated by a very unforgiving pair of high-waisted jeans, pitched the idea to several networks, according to Us Weekly. “The idea behind the show is that she and a friend set off on a road trip around the world in search of what people find beautiful and why,” a source from the magazine said.

In the June issue of Vanity Fair, writer Rich Cohen forgoes the usual bowing down that occurs in celebrity features. Instead, there is only a little reverential treatment of cover girl Jessica Simpson and a fair amount of criticism—well, at least for a glossy profile.

There have been danger signs. First, the sudden weight gain, as evidenced by pictures that turned up in the tabloids earlier this year showing the starlet, onstage, looking less than slender, holding the microphone like a turkey leg, and wearing what were described everywhere as “mom jeans.”

She didn’t want to talk about her weight, so, of course, that’s all I could think of—it gilded each question in my mind: What are you working on now [that you’re fat]? Do you see yourself as part of a class, with Christina and Britney [or are you too fat]? Do you feel that your relationship with Tony Romo has affected his performance as a quarterback [because you are fat]?

And our personal favorite:

As an actress, she’s slightly less skillful than the actress who replaced Suzanne Somers on Three’s Company.

[Vanity Fair]