Ten years ago, Gwyneth Paltrow was a Hollywood golden girl.  She won an Oscar, she dated Brad Pitt, and then she married a rock star. (Okay, he’s more like an emo star.) She even popped out a couple of cute kids and nobody said boo when she gave Apple and Moses silly names. 

But, with the GOOP blog and the rabbit-food-diet rumors, Goldilocks is so tarnished, it’s no wonder she’s out of touch. Nobody wants to join Gwyn’s new NYC gym, which she is starting up later this year with her (and Madonna’s) trainer, Tracy Anderson, because the price is so ridiculous. Girlfriend wants $4,500 just to join, plus hundreds of dollars each month in fees.  Just to exercise! What recession?! Gym representatives are cold-calling potential customers, but instead of joining, they’re just laughing, padlocking their wallets, and calling the tabloids. [NY Post]

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow,
Even though I sort of can’t stand you and think it’s annoying that you think your taste is so amazing and your life is so grand as to warrant informing others how they can better their lives, I must admit I look forward to my weekly dose of GOOP. BUT, a token of advice: when you contact “five brilliant directors (four of whom I have worked with and one who I worship)” and ask them to list their favorite movies, you might want to make sure you spell their names correctly. Especially the one you “worship.” It’s Sofia, not Sophia, Coppola.
Love,
Amelia

A few weeks ago, I wrote about my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—their annual “Diets That Work!” extravaganza. As usual, they lauded the absurd diet and fitness habits of already totally skinny celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce, and Molly Sims. But three weeks have passed and the editors have seemed to come to a realization—many of the fad celebrity diets which result in the super slim bodies they praised for “28 Bonus Pages!” are actually, GASP, dangerous and unhealthy. The latest issue of Us reports on “the new and risky cleanses stars”—like Paltrow, Beyonce, and Sims—“use to slim down.” Wait, you mean Gwyneth needs to do more than work out 14 hours a week in order to have those enviable stems? Say WHAT?!

Gwyneth Paltrow wants you to know that she’s definitely going to drop those “few pounds of holiday excess,” and you can, too! In her latest GOOP newsletter, Gwynie shares the secret to shedding those pounds quickly: a detox diet! While a fan of hardcore Master Cleanses in the past, she couldn’t fathom sucking on lemons in the middle of winter, so she consulted her detox diet specialist (don’t you have one?!). He provided her with a cleanse diet that bans gluten, dairy, processed food, shellfish, condiments, sugar, and fun. Gwyneth took his recs and created a seven-day “elimination” menu, including lots of shakes and juices that “are meant to be liquid meals that help decrease the amount of work your digestive system has to do.”

Celebs usually try to keep the public out of their business, but Gwyneth chose to expose all of hers. And seriously, were those white socks necessary?

Gwyneth Paltrow has an email newsletter named GOOP, which we told you about earlier. For a while now, we’ve wondered where the heck she came up with the name, and we finally have an answer. “G.P.” are Gwyneth’s initials, and she told The New York Observer that “Goop is actually a family nickname.” Gwyneth finds time in her busy life to put together these newsletters about once a week, and in each one she shares some information that will help you “nourish the inner aspect.”

Some Hollywood couples have broken up and left us baffled as to why. Of course, there are always rumors, but it’s not often that either party comes out into the open like Meg Ryan did in the October issue of InStyle, saying: “Dennis was not faithful to me for a long time, and that was very painful…” (Followed by Dennis Quaid’s response in the New York Daily News: “It was eight years ago, and I find it unbelievable that Meg continues publicly to rehash and rewrite the story of our relationship.”) Now that the mystery about the end of their relationship is sort of solved, we’re hoping a few other pairs will come tell us why they’re not together anymore. Not that we want them back together, we’re just curious.

Last week, Gwyneth Paltrow was on “Oprah” extolling the virtues of her two hour daily workouts and sharing how one “wine soaked” dinner with Madonna “reorganized her molecules.” This week, she’s moved on to unveiling “Goop,” which sounds a lot like a hair product we once used in the ‘80s, but is actually the name of her new lifestyle website. Goop has six sections: Make, Go, Get, Do, Be, and See, and while currently each section just takes the reader to Gwyneth’s mission statement—“Nourish the inner aspect”—it’s clear that through her site, she plans to share all her little wisdoms, secrets, and discoveries, so you know, the rest of us can attain the perfection that is her life. “Whether you want a good place to eat in London,” she writes, “some advice on where to stay in Austin, the recipe I made up this week, or some thoughts from one of my sages, Goop is a little bit of everything that makes up my life.” I wonder if she’ll share advice for choosing baby names.

By now you’ve probably heard that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have asked Bono to be godfather to their twins Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline. And that Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and Pete Wentz are considering John Mayer for godfather of their unborn child. I’ve never really thought about famous godparents probably because I’ve never really had a great relationship with my own godparents, except for my late Uncle Eddie. However, when this news broke, we at The Frisky decided to research other famous godparents and realized some of these relationships are really surprising.

I blame Gwyneth Paltrow circa 1997 for why I do not have the balls to cut my hair. Back during my senior year of high school, when I was zitty and spectacled and decidedly not cute, I decided it would do much for my self-esteem to chop my hair off like the then-girlfriend of Brad Pitt. You remember the cut right? I think it was bigger than The Rachel.

“You’ve got to be hungry. If your wife went out with Brad Pitt, you’d want to prove yourself, you know what I mean?”—Chris Martin in Rolling Stone

We think she and Gwyneth Paltrow should declare a black mini-skirt war. [Hancock premiere, Berlin, Germany, 6/17/08]