Have happy memories of your mom picking you up from school when you were little? (Unless you were a latchkey kid like some of us, in which case you are screwed up for life, but anyway.) One thing we do not remember is mom wearing ultra stylish designer clothes to the school grounds. Here, Gwyneth Paltrow looks deceivingly casual whilst collecting little Apple and Moses, but look again! That dressed-down fleece pullover? It’s actually called the Cocoon, it’s by Obakki, and retails for $782 at Scoop Nationwide. Why, we can’t even remember the last time we spent 800 bucks on a sweater. [Popsugar]

• Us Weekly has exclusive confirmation from Chris Martin’s rep that he wasn’t making out with Kate Bosworth in public, as Star reported. [Us Weekly]—Chris has been married to Gwyneth Paltrow for six years, but there have been rumors of troubled waters for a long time.
• Although they claim they’re just friends, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart were spotted kissing outside a screening of “New Moon.”—These two will carry on this charade as long as they’re under their Summit Entertainment contracts.
• Kourtney Kardashian says she’s nervous but excited to be a mom, and her on-again, off-again boyfriend Scott Disick is making amends to her family. [PopEater]—The true test will be how involved he is with caring for the baby and supporting her.

What’s this I see? Gwyneth Paltrow is taking GOOP in 3-D to a YouTube channel. Check out the video above of her making bibimbop. It’s kind of the most boring cooking show ever, no? So far, there are only two vids on the channel, but I’m sure Gwyns will post many more soon. Maybe she’ll videotape how to do a proper colonic?

Speaking of Gwyneth, we are way amused by Daily Beast writer Rebecca Dana, who studiously followed the way of the GOOP for three weeks and lived to tell the tale.

• Gwyneth Paltrow has reportedly told husband Chris Martin that he should put Coldplay on hold so he can go solo. [Dlisted]—Didn’t John Lennon and Yoko Ono already do this?
• Eric Bana might be more dramatic in his film roles, but when he’s home the actor is all laughs. He says that’s how he keeps his marriage with Rebecca Gleeson running smoothly. [People]
• Kate Gosselin says she’s lonely, but too busy to date. [Us Weekly]—At least she’s smart enough not to date in the public eye before she’s divorced.

Gwyneth Paltrow worshipers rejoice! (Are you out there? Hello? Bueller? Bueller?) The first pics of the multi-tasking celebrity’s new clothing line—a collaboration with brand Zoe Tees for British boutique Matches—have finally surfaced. (The wares are available in London, and supposedly online; however, the Matches website is down, probably because of today’s traffic surge.) The resulting pieces seem typically Gwyneth, with muted colors and that sort of non-aesthetic that beautiful, thin people can pull off—you know, girls who look gorgeous in burlap bags. Overall, the collection channels chic comfort, perfect for days spent cleansing away your toxins. For your dinner parties with “William Joel,” add some pizazz with a studded racer-back top.

What do you think? Refined basics? Or over-hyped and GOOP-y? [Grazia]

Another day, another Gwyneth Paltrow GOOP edition chock-full of sage advice. This time she addresses the beauty realm, and here’s a synopsis of the tips: Make a body scrub by mixing Turbinado (that’s sugar that comes from the first pressing of the sugar cane), olive oil and coarsely ground coffee, the latter of which Miss Paltrow does not, repeat, does not ever drink. Soften skin with oatmeal and honey before rubbing it with aloe vera juice to reduce redness, and reduce puffy morning eyes by placing chilled spoons over your lids or use cotton pads soaked in cold milk. Prevent wrinkles by doing daily facial exercises like sticking your tongue out as far as you can while keeping your eyes wide for 30 seconds. Apply a boatload of coconut oil after a bath to goop up your skin, which we can assure you is the story behind her seriously oily legs on “Letterman” recently.

Okay, Goopy, let’s talk.

The new Entertainment Weekly is on newsstands today, and it features the stars of “Iron Man 2.” There’s Robert Downey Jr., of course, along with Scarlett Johansson and Mickey Rourke. But wait a second, isn’t Gwyneth Paltrow in that flick, too? According to this morning’s New York Post, Gwyneth was intentionally snubbed for the cover because “rightly or wrongly, the editors feel any cover with Paltrow is newsstand suicide.” Cold diss! [New York Post]

Another busy week at The Frisky! We had our work cut out for us following all the Michael Jackson-related news, but we found time to blog about a few other important things, like Gwyneth Paltrow‘s detox. If you missed it the first time around, here’s what we were talking about this week.

Overzealous health insani-turd Gwyneth Paltrow is detoxing yet again. In January, she wrote, “I like to do fasts and detoxes a couple of times during the year.” Well, this sure is proving true. She’s just finishing up a three-week stint on Dr. Alejandro Junger’s Clean program, which she describes and advocates in the latest GOOP newsletter. We can get behind the part of this plan where she got lots of massages and clocked a bunch of hours in the sauna. But giving up caffeine, dairy, and all processed foods—not so sure about that. And we’re seriously opposed to the part of this program that lets you have two liquid “meals” per day with only one meal of actual food in between. She seems pretty happy with the results. “I dropped the extra pounds that I had gained during a majorly [sic] fun and delicious ‘relax and enjoy life phase’ about a month ago,” she said. Doesn’t it seem like every time this stick thin actress puts something remotely food-like in her mouth she goes all detoxorexic? “Enjoy life phase”—that’s just called being a normal person, Goopy. [GOOP via People]

Just in time for the 4th of July, Gwyneth Paltrow has voiced her disdain for America…again. This time the GOOP master has Latin lust for Spain, saying, “It is so different from the United States. It seemed to have a history, and the buildings are years and years and years old. Here in the United States an old building is about 17 (years old), and over there it’s from 500 B.C., it’s incredible.” Yeah sure Gwynnie, Spain’s old, but in terms of years I think it should be quality over quantity. It’s totally fair to judge a country based on how long they hold onto the mullet, which in Spain’s case is at least two decades too long.

For a long time, I was certain the artist formerly known as Prince (or is he Prince again? I get confused) was an alien. Turns out, he’s just a Jehovah’s Witness. After a lifetime of sexy dancing, the 50-something-year-old is in need of a double hip replacement, trading in his raspberry beret for a diamond-encrusted cane. But alas his highness has refused the surgery, citing his religious beliefs as his reason. Evidently, Jehovah’s Witnesses aren’t down with blood transfusions. [Celebitchy] — Or maybe he doesn’t want the doctors to discover his true alien identity? Hmmm.

After the jump, more celebs who have weird…er…unique views on medicine.

I usually find the “MAKE” editions of GOOP, Gwyneth Paltrow’s newsletter that attempts to “nourish the inner aspect,” the most tolerable. They’re recipes and how offensive and annoying can food really be? This week, Gwyneth introduces us to the cookie and treat recipes from some of her friends, including Evi, a Holocaust survivor, and Katie Lee Joel. Of the latter, Gwyneth writes:

“The summer before last, a mutual friend brought the lovely Katie Lee Joel and her husband William over for dinner. Much to my delight, she brought a fresh batch of these cookies with her.”

Wait. Hold up. “Her husband William?” Don’t you mean Billy? As in, BILLY JOEL? Is this Gwyneth’s attempt at not namedropping? Because that would be effing stupid, considering GOOP is one big celebrity snog fest. Seriously, what a pretentious twat.

Oh also, big old error in the last bit of this week’s newsletter. See above—guess someone forget to include the copy for next week’s preview, and Gwyneth, ever the diligent editor, didn’t notice it was missing either. Oopsies! What will William and his lovely wife Katherine say? [GOOP]

Gwynnie was on “The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien” last night and in the first part of her interview, she had a mysterious shiny substance slathered all over her legs. I suspect it was some sort of body oil, not lotion as some bloggers have suggested. Anyway, the studio lights were probably reflecting so badly off her stems and blinding people in the audience, so before the second part of her interview, someone wiped her down. Check out the video of her interview, after the jump… [via SoupSoup]

In theory, I love detox cleanses. The idea of spending three to five days concentrated solely on health and emerging energetic and, um, skinny, excites me. In reality, I can’t quite conjure the joy.

This is not to say that I don’t force myself through them on a semi-regular basis. I’ve tried a number of cleanses, from the popular BluePrint juice diet to the extreme Master Cleanse. I was excited when last week a friend (who is also into this stuff) recommended I try Gwyneth Paltrow’s regime from her GOOP newsletter. I was eager to try something new, something homemade that (I assumed) wouldn’t cost me too much. However, I ended up dumping the whole thing in three days.

In today’s installment of GOOP, the newsletter we love to hate and hate to love, Gwyneth Paltrow bores us to tears with words of wisdom about “evil tongue,” i.e. speaking evil of others. Before asking her various gurus and life coaches and self-help experts to help her understand “the consequences of perpetuating negativity or feeling schadenfreude,” she talks about her experience with a “frenemy” and admits that her own tongue, GASP, is occasionally evil.

Back in the day, I had a “frenemy” who, as it turned out, was pretty hell-bent on taking me down. This person really did what they could to hurt me. I was deeply upset, I was angry, I was all of those things you feel when you find out that someone you thought you liked was venomous and dangerous. I restrained myself from fighting back. I tried to take the high road. But one day I heard that something unfortunate and humiliating had happened to this person. And my reaction was deep relief and…happiness. There went the high road.

Naturally, we didn’t give a s**t about any of GOOP’s “lessons” about, um, s**t-talking, but we did go cuh-razy hypothesizing about WHO this “frenemy” could be. Frankly, it’s so obvious, it’s almost sad. Our theory, after the jump.

It’s official—Lauren Conrad’s attempt at a fashion line has ended (at least for now). Delivery of Lauren Conrad Collection spring/summer merchandise has been canceled. We knew this line was doomed from the very beginning. She charged way too much for clothes made primarily of jersey, and most of her “designs” were unoriginal and boring. Anyone could recreate the looks with a quick search online or a mall run. Unfortunately, Lauren seems to think this failure is just a minor setback. She’s actually rethinking her line and might using higher-end fabrics. The fabrics aren’t the problem, LC. Maybe she’ll take a look at this list of other failed celebrity business ventures and reconsider. [Fashion Indie]