I’m fat. I have gigantic ta-tas and a fat ass(et). While I didn’t always see it as such (high school was rough), as an adult, having all those extra mouthfuls has certainly come in handy—just ask my boyfriends.  But OK, I’ll admit it; being a large lady, I’ve worried about the possibility of suffocating a man to death while sitting on his face. Gasp! Can you imagine me on the local news trying to explain that crime against nature?! But do you know what is a worse fate? Being inhibited in the sack just because you’re a big, beautiful woman. That would be a real shame. With that in mind, I am all for some female empowerment for my fellow fat chicks!  However, I should qualify that statement by saying it sucks twice as hard when “sexperts” pretend to be supportive and then dish out condescending advice.  A perfect example of this mean-girl tactic is The Sun‘s “Big Girl’s Guide To Sex.” It sounded promising, but in reality, the article features bedroom tips on how to make yourself look thinner, as if that really means sexier. Well, I call bull tit! More, after the jump ...

I hate diets. While Americans spend billions of dollars a year making themselves miserable trying to loose some extra weight, I eat cake, wear bikinis that clearly show my stretch marks, and try to keep a healthy attitude about my appearance. Sure, sometimes my muffin top gets to me, but dieting just seems like a form of self-hatred when it involves eating pre-packaged low-cal food.  Yuck!

But just like technology, Japan seems to have one up on us in the dieting category.  In an article in fitness magazine, Fytte, Japanese women submitted the top 10 weight loss programs that worked for them. Much to my surprise, they actually sound fun.  From #4—Pelvis Exercises that include hula hooping—to #8—taking a bath in scented salts for 45 minutes a day—slimming down never sounded so good!  Who knows, maybe I’ll finally cave on this dieting stigma and learn to put my tummy to good use with belly dancing.  [Calorie Lab]

We have some news for Tyra Banks—a size eight dress isn’t plus size and America’s Next Top Model winner Whitney Thompson ain’t no fat girl charity case. The new “plus sized” model is on the cover of the June issue of Seventeen, sending the message to America’s highest risk group for eating disorders that a perfectly fit size eight means you’re a big girl. Adolescents already have enough body issues without a thin girl getting called thick. This is some major mean-girl fashionista bull crap. If you’re gonna give us a plus-size superstar, she better be big enough to play the part. [Bitten & Bound]

There’s a new queen in England, and she’s got more poise than Her Majesty and more cleavage than Elton John. It’s 17-year-old, size 16 beauty queen Chloe Marshall! She’ll be strutting her stuff in the Miss England Pageant in July, but she’s already become a media darling. “What I am promoting is a healthy girl who looks after herself and doesn’t try to force her body to be something its not,” Chloe told Hello Magazine, which was excited to get her to slip into something less comfortable—the white rhinestone bikini she’ll be confidently wearing in the competition. Proudly flying in the face of skinny minnie pageant girls like the tragically dumb blonde Miss Teen South Carolina,  Chloe is a refreshingly smart spokesmodel who is bravely going where no plus-size girl has gone before. This pretty warrior princess couldn’t be happier to show off her ambition. “It’s what I was born to do – posing for the camera. And as I keep saying, I love my body. People seem desperate to get me to say that I don’t, that deep down I’m not happy and would rather be thin, but the fact is I wouldn’t change myself at all.” We wouldn’t change a thing either, hot stuff! [Dlisted]

When you’re Elvis’ daughter, fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches are in your genes, but such a tasty lineage means that you’re, unfortunately, going to be made fun for the way you look in your jeans. Lisa Marie Presley has been blasted in the press for her recent weight gain, with headlines like “Lisa Marie Presley Has Become A Fat Slob Just Like Her Dad” splattered across the tabloids. But it turns out she’s pregnant, not fat!  Sources close to the R&B royalty say although she’s not one to blab about such things, she’s going to have her third child with her fourth husband, rocker Michael Lockwood. Chew on that, paparazzi!

Earlier this week, the American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology reported that two cups of coffee a day prevents pregnancy and doubles the risk of miscarriages for pregnant women thereby making it one of the cheapest and tastiest alternative to Roe vs. Wade. But like a pharmaceutical commercial where you’re promised a cure that also happens to make your butt leak, just a few days later another medical report was published claiming that coffee will make you fat.  That’s right, those cappa-frappa-mocha-mmm’s can contain 1/3 of your daily caloric allowance.  So what is a girl to do: let a baby or coffee wake you up? [Reuters, Guardian U.K., and MSNBC]