What could torture a dominatrix?  Only a bad economy! It’s been a world of pain for the sex workers who have been complaining about the recession.  While prostitutes are reporting record business and lay people are doing it like bunnies, the niche market has been beaten down. 

Sure, you may be broke as a joke since Wall Street has gone AWOL, but don’t worry, the best things in life are free! Just look at those Lehman Brothers posting on Craigslist for free love—they’re not even paying for online dating. So while your taste may be caviar and champagne, remember, there are simple pleasures out there that even the most fancy people can savor—like desire, lust, and nudity. Save your moolah for the things you gotta pay for and cash in on the things you really need with these five sexy freebies.

1. Back Rubs: Now that you’re stressed about your financial future, you need to relax.  Nothing will get you looser than a massage…especially if it comes with a happy ending. Hey, I’ll scratch your back, if you scratch mine!

Six months after a sex scandal ousted Eliot Spitzer from office, the New York governor turned “lov gov” is working in real estate, still with his wife Silda, and wondering how it all went so wrong. Meanwhile, call girls are back in the spotlight—and working harder than ever as Wall Street takes another tumble.

Our poll earlier today is showing that along with cutting back on restaurant dinners, the state of the economy is forcing you to cease your late-night visits to JCrew.com. But if you love, love, love clothes and are feeling the itch for a new fall wardrobe, try one of these seven shopping alternatives, instead. Your bank account will thank you.

1. Clean Out Your Closet
If you take a Saturday and “merchandise” your closet, i.e., arrange shirts by sleeve length, you’ll feel like you’re shopping at a boutique every morning when you pick out your outfit for the day. Plus, you might find a dress that got pushed to the back of your closet or fell onto the floor and has been in a crumpled ball for the past six months.

Yeah, so I know “Dancing With The Stars” premiered this week and we’re all in a tizzy because Drew Barrymore snogged Chuck Bass, but did you know that there’s a serious economic crisis LOOMING? Between the collapse of Lehman Brothers, the sale of Merrill Lynch, AIG tanking, and the government planning a bailout to the tune of $200 billion, these are scary financial times. Certainly some are already feeling the pain more than others, as jobless rates soar to record highs, but it’s a given that we’re all going to feel the pinch eventually. So what are you cutting back on in order to save money and prepare for impending DOOM?

In case you haven’t noticed, the stock market took a nosedive this week. The rest of us are left worried about investments, bank stability, and mortgages. But what about the men of Wall Street, who are getting screwed over by their employers: How are they looking to handle this mess? They’re looking to get screwed on Craigslist. Instead of looking for their next jobs, they’re trolling for the hand and blow kind of jobs online. Who can blame them? Life’s too short not to take a half-naked photo of yourself and boast about your Ivy league education on a free internet message board. Some guys are looking to wine and dine a new girlfriend, and some guys are looking to host orgies with posts titled: “Was Laid Off from Lehman Brothers—Sex Party Time!” 

Just one more way the economy is changing our sex lives...Rising food prices will probably drive more women to trade sex for basic goods, like cooking oil, according to U.N. officials. Delegates at a AIDS conference in Mexico discussed actual cases in the Pacific and Kenya, where “fish for sex” deals are common. [Reuters]

According to the Chicago Sun Times, more women are applying to donate their eggs and act as surrogates as the economy worsens. This got me thinking about the other ways in which the poor economy—including skyrocketing gas prices, increased unemployment, and the mortgage crisis—are affecting the sex and love lives of women. Personally speaking, the poor economy has taken a negative toll on the real estate market—and since the man-friend and I are looking to move, aren’t finding much in our budget and are getting stressed as a result, romance has taken a little beating as well. After the jump, a list of how the recession is both hurting AND improving some women’s sex and love lives.

Fuel prices are affecting bank accounts, that’s for sure, but did you know high prices might be influencing relationships, as well? An article in The Washington Post discusses the effects of increased plane ticket prices on long-distance relationships. It seems that as a result of the current state of the economy, many going the distance are either seeing each other less often or reducing their spending on other extras. I never quite understood how people in LDRs did it in the first place—they seem so taxing.

Greg Guldner, the director of the Center for the Study of Long Distance Relationships says it’s too soon to tell whether the economic downturn will truly affect LDRs, but high prices do seem to make couples more stressed. However, his research shows that people doing the long-distance thing don’t need to see each other a certain amount of times—like every month—to make their relationship work. “People who buy into those myths who now can’t afford to [travel] are now facing quite the dilemma,” Guildner said. “Because if they believe that the relationship won’t work if they don’t see each other once a month, they may be making decisions about either ending the relationship or ending whatever it is that’s keeping them apart.” [Washington Post via Tango]

The stimulus checks we’ve all been receiving in the mail have been put to good use, as the Adult Internet Market Research Company (AIMRCo)has discovered that many websites focused on adult or erotic material have been experiencing an upswing in sales during recent weeks. “Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20 to 30 percent growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market,” said Kirk Mishkin, head research consultant for AIMRCo. According to a survey of members at NSFW website LSGModels.com, 32 percent of respondents said receiving their stimulus check was part of their decision to either become a new member or renew an existing membership. You gotta love America. [ThinkProgress.org]

“Read my lips, no new taxes.”  While recession president George Bush Sr. may have been lying about the taxes, he got the lips part spot on. Reseachers have found that during unstable markets, woman stockpile shades of lipstick. From the saucy glossy to mood enhancing matte, ladies over look expensive luxury items to splurge on the small pleasures because it promises more bang for your buck. After all, making your mouth its most kissable is cheap and stimulates more than just the economy. [UPI]