The unthinkable has happened. He asked you out. The only guys who renders you speechless. The guy so smart, handsome and unbelievably hot you can do little more than blush and stutter in his presence. And now you’re going out with him. Tomorrow.  Hooray?

Your friends think it’s cute that you’re in such a panic, but you can’t see any humor in the situation. Not only do you have to lose ten pounds, grow an extra cup size and somehow talk your mousey mop into looking like Jennifer Aniston’s—you have to do it all by tomorrow. Oh, and you should probably also think about regaining your powers of speech. What to wear? What to smell like? What to do?

Okay, I can’t really help you with that, but here are a few things you definitely shouldn’t do, after the jump…

Don’t you just hate the type of person who smugly informs you, “I don’t watch TV,” like that’s something to be proud of? They think they’re so great with all their fancy book learning. What they don’t realize is that TV isn’t for dummies—there’s tons of educational programming available—you just need to know what to watch. I mean, you can learn your ABC’s with “Sesame Street”’s Grover, how to make gnocchi with Mario Batali, and the ins and outs of prettying up your home with any number of programs on HGTV.

Television is also a great romance resource. Think of all the great TV twosomes we’ve seen over the years—Lucy & Ricky Ricardo, Judy Jane & George Jetson, Speidi…but not all TV personalities set such a sincerely loving example. It’s also a good place to learn which type of guy you should avoid. A few examples, after the jump…

If you were to follow every rule (and not just The Rules) that have been written about dating, you’d be too confused to actually ever go out on any dates. So-called sexperts and relationship gurus are constantly contradicting both themselves and each other— Should you call him? How long do you wait to engage in frisky relations? Is a “MOM” tattoo a valid dealbreaker? Ask a dozen experts, get a dozen different answers.

However, there are one or two rules that everyone seems to agree on. Generally acknowledged as common knowledge, these are things that pretty much all the experts agree that you should follow like the law. Except, they’re wrong.

There are times in every woman’s life where her body wants either what her heart can’t handle or her brain knows better. You know the drill — you want a man, but not a relationship. Or, more to the point, you want some loving, but don’t want any complications. All the booty; none of the baggage.

Maybe you’re wildly attracted to a dude physically, but find him mentally or morally lacking—like a tanning technician or a bounty hunter. There’s no way you’d ever date him, but why should you deny yourself the pleasure assets might provide? Answer: Not a reason in the world.

I’m going to come right out and cop to this—I have been dumped more times than I can count. You’d think that after the 5,234th time, I’d be a tad more resilient, but nah. I have mourned certain dead relationships for longer than they went on in the first place and made an idiot of myself over men so patently unworthy, it’s a wonder I haven’t had my feminist card revoked. Lucky for everyone within sobbing distance, I haven’t been dumped in a while, but as a public service I figured I’d share my mistakes so you can learn from them, after the jump…

Have you ever just not been in the mood to go out on yet another first date, but force yourself to do it anyway? You talk yourself into it, reasoning, “What if he’s the one and instead of meeting him, I stayed home to eat cereal out of the box and watch ‘Gossip Girl’?” So, being a trooper, you slap on some lipstick and head out. And then nine times out of ten, the whole evening turns out to be an exercise in humiliation and/or futility and you come home more miserable than you were beforehand.

That’s because while it can be fun, dating can also be brutal. To be at all successful you have to be at the top of your game. Do you think Serena Williams sits around drinking milkshakes and watching reality TV the week before Wimbledon? No. She trains, stretches, meditates and makes certain her cutest tennis whites are clean.

Everybody has a “type.” Personally, I like a man with a big schnozz—bonus points if he’s got a collection of acne scars a lá Tommy Lee Jones. My pal Annie likes preppy men—but only after they’ve gone to seed and become a little bloated in the process. Suzanne has a weakness for thin Japanese guys who like indie rock music, while Maddy adores bike messengers of all shapes and sizes.

But there are certain types of guys who should be nobody‘s type. These guys are distinguished by one thing—an overabundance of one or more very bad qualities. Your guide to boys to avoid, after the jump…

Despite what that old chestnut Love Story will have you believe, love doesn’t mean never having to say you’re sorry. In fact, one of the most important components of any relationship is the ability to suck it up and apologize every now and again. It’s hardly brain surgery, but who among us hasn’t been the recipient of an apology that wound up making you feel even worse than the original transgression?

For something that’s basically a no-brainer, there’s a bevy of ways to get it very, very wrong. In fact, the late Randy Pausch’s bestseller, The Last Lecture has an entire chapter called “A bad apology is worse than no apology.” Now granted, men are definitely more prone to the botched apology (see John Edwards, Bill Clinton, etcetera), but we ladies have also been known to blow an act of contrition on occasion. After the jump, some apology strategies to avoid…

Back when our moms were on the market, they could tell right off the bat if the foxy soda jerk was unavailable because back then married men never went anywhere without their rings. Not that a band of gold would necessarily keep a cad from straying (see also, Mad Men’s Don Draper), but at least a lady could make an informed decision about whether or not she wanted to wander into “other woman” territory.

Nowadays, it’s not so easy to tell who’s taken. Lots of married men don’t bother with rings and loads more just live with their significant others in a slightly more informal (though generally no less committed) cohabitation situation. I’ll spare you the moralizing, but I’m here to tell you that being someone’s girl on the side is a sucker’s game.

As I’m sure you’re well aware, there are many good reasons to have sex. In fact, sometimes you don’t need any reason at all—other than, say, loving your partner.

However, sometimes a lady finds herself doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. That’s what we’re here to cover. So if you find yourself in any of the following situations, please extricate yourself as quickly as possible:

Revenge: The most popular very-wrong reason to have sex, revenge sex never ends well. Hooking up with his best friend because you’re angry at your boyfriend will get you nowhere. If you do manage to break up their friendship, then you’re stuck with an untrustworthy dude (if he did it to him, he’ll do it to you). Even worse, there’s always the (strong) possibility that he went right back and told his buddy and the two of them are now comparing notes over high-fives and hot wings.

Your Birthday: it’s the one day a year you are guaranteed to have someone trying to do you.  Even when you’re single, you can line a little somethin’ somethin’ up. But sometimes another candle on your cake is the only thing you can count on.

I had been dating this dude for what I considered a fab four months. The sex was so hot from the start, we never spent more than a night apart.  Plus, he had a great record collection (housed in adult furniture), the most lovable dog on the planet, and the cutest butt. I liked him almost as much as I like bacon.

Color me cynical ladies, but let’s face it—no matter how great your relationship might be going at the moment, chances are it’s going to end. And while breaking up is never pleasant, why make the inevitable anymore painful than it has to be? Since there are very few “great” ways to dump a man, we’re going to list all the ways you shouldn’t go about kicking your once-loved to the curb:

Remember back when the mere mention of his name would give you a white-hot jolt to the heart? The sound of his voice was like an exquisite punch to the gut? His hand brushed against yours, and you’d get a warm swelling in the heart region? Yeah, well these days all you feel is sick to your stomach.

Though it seems most of us spend an inordinate time trying to get one, the truth is, once you land that boyfriend you’ve always wanted, you discover the truth— relationships can be a giant pain in the rear.

Did you see those photos of actress Sienna Miller smooching married (and maybe separated?) father-of-four, Balthazar Getty? All the tabloids are whispering about impropriety between Madonna and Yankee Alex Rodriguez, while even darling Ferris Bueller’s Day Off star Matthew Broderick has been accused of stepping out on wife Sarah Jessica Parker.

You can hardly turn on the TV or surf the web these days without being assaulted by photos of some celebrity canoodling with some other famous person who’s married to still another person altogether. Sure, sexing up the same person day in and day out can get a bit dull after a few years, but if you’re going to step out, at least have a little consideration for your main squeeze and don’t get caught. After the jump are a few scenarios to avoid…

Today in our “Dating Don’ts” column, Judy McGuire gave some tips on how NOT to act on a first date if you don’t want your companion runnin’ for the hills. But we decided that there must be things guys shouldn’t do on a first date either that set women off. We decided to ask the women on our IM (yes, they’re there!) what would turn them off on a first date. Their responses, after the jump…

Lord knows that there are a lot of wacky people running out there, and for some annoying reason women get slammed (unfairly, if you ask me) with the crazy card more often than men. However, sometimes (not often, but sometimes) maybe the name-callers have a point. Some of us can be kind of kooky. I’m not talking about whimsically cute eccentricities; I’m speaking of full-on lunatic behavior.

Maybe you’ve been labeled a little odd or a tad touched. No shame in that—hey, let she without issues cast the first stone—but most likely you don’t want your sanity shortcomings to be the first impression you make upon a new date. For this reason, you should, at all costs, avoid going down the following roads for at least the first three dates:

• “My therapist says. . .” Unless he’s your full-on boyfriend, beginning any sentence with those three words will cause a man to make a mad dash for the hills. Yes, even if he’s in therapy himself. At worst, he’ll think you’re crazy; at best, he’ll think you’re the type of gal who’s going to require a lot of “talks.” Neither impression bodes well for your future relationship.

The unholy trinity of Photoshop, spell check and the Internet mean that even the most illiterate, personality-deficient, hideous troll can land a first date, much to a lady’s disappointment. Landing a second date is the tricky bit, so when you realize you’d like to never see this guy again, there are some tried and true strategies to assure that he decides the first date is also the last.

As any savvy online dater knows, you can spend hours crafting the perfect combination of wit, sophistication, and charm, but all your pretty words won’t mean squat if your photo reeks.

That’s not to say that you need to be a ringer for Angelina or J. Lo to get any play (though obviously that wouldn’t be a hindrance), but you do need to have a photo that shows you in the best possible light without it being a completely misleading deception.