What do you get when you fall in love? According the fan-freaking-tastic Dionne Warwick—and she should know from heartache—“You get enough tears to fill an ocean/That’s what you get for your devotion.” Sing it, sister!

Sure, you get other stuff, too: hearts, cupids, hickeys, the fun stuff. But sometimes the bad outweighs the good, and every once in a while a lady needs to take a break and keep her heart safe from scoundrels looking to shatter it.

However, that doesn’t mean you should hole up alone in beat-up pajamas with only your old pals Netflix and Jim Beam for company. Even when you’re not in the market for love, it’s good to keep one toe in the dating pool. You just need to date effectively. Here are some ways to keep your heart safe while the rest of you has fun.

As I see it, there should be no discussion of a relationship, or exclusivity, within the first three months of dating. Those three months should be a drama and ultimatum-free zone. No jealousy or commitment. Just a period of savoring; the gritty, totally worth it hard work can come later. Save it, potentially, for the rest of your life.

If something works between two people, then there is no rush. That “click” will still be there in three months, and hopefully six, and a year, etc. And once you find that unlucky slob who will Eskimo kiss you when you’re sick, all you have to do in order to preserve your new found mutual attraction is to chill the f**k out, have faith, and not flinch. Let it happen.

I would never in a million years have thought I would take dating advice from Steve Harvey (I couldn’t watch his TV show), but he was on “Today” this morning promoting his new bestselling book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, and he actually sounded like he knew what he was talking about. The only thing I’m not sure about is his suggestion that we wait 90 days before giving a guy any “cookies.” By cookies, I think he means sex. If you were dating a guy and didn’t do anything physical for three months, wouldn’t he just up and leave?

Last night I had a date. It didn’t go so well, and I did everything in my power to get it off to a good start. I shaved my legs, washed my hair, and cleaned my apartment (hey, you never know). Alas, doing those seemed to have brought me bad luck. After the jump, how to jinx a date and how to guarantee it will go well.

When it comes to boyfriends, I have never gone for the sentimental type. Maybe it’s because my dad is the sort of guy who likes to sit in the backyard and throw knives at trees.  Maybe it’s because I’m not so great at talking about feelings myself.  Whatever the reason is, I’ve always had boyfriends that appreciated my ability to chug beer and refer to my breasts as “fun bags.”  I prided myself on being above all of that romantic mush, but it turned out, I wasn’t. Because when a guy did show up and started telling me about his feelings right away, I was charmed.  What I should have been was suspicious.

I need your help, I’m a Sagittarius (11/23/88) and my boyfriend is a Leo (07/30/89). He’s a really nice guy and he gets along very well with my family, but I feel like he lets people tread all over him. His mom uses him and treats him like a stepchild, and he just takes it. She’s never encouraged him to go to college, and she never motivates him to be better. I’m tired of him being a momma’s boy.

I’m also tired of being the only person encouraging him to do something for himself. I help my mom by babysitting for my siblings, while I also have two jobs, go to school part time, and study for exams; I don’t have time for a loser BF. He does nothing with his life, so we never have anything to talk about. And then there’s our sex life. I feel like an idiot when I’m trying to talk dirty. He’s quiet ALL the time, even in the middle of sex, and it’s always the same two positions. Our sex life is boring, despite the fact that I try so hard by wearing sexy and provocative things. He won’t even spank me! I just don’t know if I should stay with Mr. Nice Guy. —Ms. Naughty Girl

The biggest, baddest, most terrifying part of falling in love is opening up and letting yourself be vulnerable. When it works, love can seem like the stuff of fairytales: you meet someone, you get to know and like each other, you enter into a mutually trusting and respectful relationship, you fall deeply, madly, hopelessly in love, and you live happily ever after.

At least, for a while.

Now that I’m back on the “dating scene,” I’ve realized that I’m still borderline idiotic when it comes to male-female courtships. My last relationship started off pretty typically—a dinner date here, a movie date there—but quickly spiraled into very serious, very quickly. We said I love you within two months, moved in together within five months, and were together for nearly five years. I can’t recall when we or if we had the whole “boyfriend/girlfriend” discussion, or how we knew we were seeing each other exclusively. It’s unfortunate, because I could use that knowledge now. For example, how in the hell do you know when your fun, dating relationship has progressed into boyfriend/girlfriend territory? Is it when you have the “we’re banging each other exclusively” conversation? When introductions are made to friends? When one of you slips up and and says “my boyfriend” in front of the other? And let’s say you’re dating each other exclusively (because dating, not to mention sleeping, with multiple people is extremely time consuming), when does THAT change into BF/GF? Seriously, can you tell I am confused? The guys on my IM are here to help…

I’m a Leo (8/10/82) and my boyfriend is a Libra (9/25/81). We’ve been together for about two years and it’s the most compatible relationship I’ve ever had. Most of the time, he’s very sweet to me and would do anything for me. We love each other, marriage has come up in conversation, and we live together. However, he has a slight drinking problem. He’s cut back a lot since we temporarily broke up and got back together. He doesn’t drink every day, all day anymore. He’s not a violent drunk, and, actually, most of the time he doesn’t even get drunk. 

Lately, though, when he has been drunk, he gets a little belligerent and says idiotic things that make no sense. It’s like he’s suffering from dementia. It’s really irritating, especially when he does this around my friends and makes them think he’s an idiot. When I tell him how he’s acting, he’s dismissive. Yesterday, he even called me a bitch, which he knows is my trigger word. I’ve been with an alcoholic before and the relationship was a terrible mess. I don’t want this one to get that way. Is it worth letting him take the slow road to recovery or should I just give up? —Fed Up With Nonsense

Between the Internet, blogging, and social networking, the concept of courtship can seem pretty antiquated. Depending on how Web-present you are, with the push of a button a guy could potentially access everything from your videotaped colonic to your SAT scores to mortifying details of your most recent heartbreak. All this before you’ve even met him in real life.

Once, I was regaling a new date with a funny story—only to have him interrupt and finish it for me. It wasn’t a case of sudden onset Alzheimer’s. I’d never met him before. He’d Googled me and read a piece I’d written that contained the anecdote. I was busted for plagiarizing my own material.

With any luck, your online presence isn’t as loud and embarrassing as mine. Still, living in a post-privacy world begs the question: How much information is too much information? Negotiating the privacy line becomes especially crucial when dating someone new. So here are some guidelines for what to reveal and what to leave unspoken. For now, anyway.

In light of our strained economy, how can you keep your love life intact and still scale back on spending? Whether playing the field or in a couple, there are a number of free (or cheap) ways to mind your wallet without sacrificing your dating life. After all, a recession won’t keep you from finding love, it’ll just make you more creative!

I never trust couples that claim they don’t fight. I don’t believe them, and even if they aren’t lying, who wants to be with a guy who agrees with everything you say? How boring would that be? The best part of being in a relationship is exposing yourself to new ideas and ways of thinking. If you don’t have any conflict, you’re probably not going to have many sparks.

It may sound counter-intuitive, but one of the most important things a couple should figure out early on is how to fight fairly and effectively. Here’s what not do when you’re engaged in battle….

My birthday is May 1st. My boyfriend’s birthday is June 15th. In March we’ll have been dating for eight years. I’m ready to get married and move the relationship forward. I was going to move in with him a few months back, but he said he knew that wouldn’t “entirely get him off the hook.” I know he is not ready to get married, nor does he know if he wants to have kids, while I know I do. He says I’ll just spend all his money, while I’ve said I would sign a pre-nup. Should I stick it out? I think I know the answer, but I’ve been too scared to break up with him.

To make my life more complicated, there is a guy; he is a Cancer (and seven years younger), and he has been wanting to date me badly. I can’t stop thinking about him. I keep stalling on doing anything because I don’t want to cheat on my boyfriend and I also don’t necessarily want to jump from my boyfriend to another guy. Please help!  I need some advice! —Lost Taurus Gal

A good friend of mine recently reminded me of some advice I’d given her back in college. She was about to sleep with a new boyfriend for the first time and had been fretting about some body part. Apparently I shrugged and told her, “Please—boys are just happy to have a naked girl in the same room as them.”

I was kind of surprised and impressed when she told me I’d actually said these words. Over the years I have had pre-sex panic attacks over (in no particular order): my eyebrows, nasally voice, bad breath, body hair, belly roll(s), teeth, table manners, inner thighs… basically if I had it, I wasted valuable lady hours worrying about it.

If you’re a 20- to 35-year-old woman without any children I caution you against dating a man with kids. I did this once and, let me tell you, I learned my lesson. I dated The Cop off-and-on for about six years and I have to admit that love kept me from realizing just how big a problem his children were in our relationship. Recently, he and I made plans to have a friendly, totally platonic drink to celebrate my promotion. He canceled the day of because his youngest daughter had hit her head and he’d spent the previous night in the emergency room. I totally understood why he had to cancel, but the situation also reminded me why he and I could never work and why I will never date a man with children again.

I’m a Capricorn girl (moon in Pisces, Venus in Sagittarius, Mars in Libra) who’s four years into a long-distance relationship with a Sagittarian guy (moon in Cancer, Venus in Capricorn, Mars in Virgo). I think we both feel a sense of being drawn to the other, but this long-distance situation has taken a big toll on me emotionally. My biggest problem is that I have such a hard time trusting him and believing his motives are genuine. My dad (Aries) was a philanderer so my natural cynicism and disbelief that men can truly love and be happy with one woman is quite high. Sag guy makes an effort to listen to my doubts, learn to communicate better through words, and let me know how important I am to him. I think I love his freewheeling Sag ways when we’re together, but feel some concern over them when we’re apart.

Your passive-aggressive aunt bought you a Match.com subscription for Christmas. While your first impulse was to hit her with a brick, you’ve always been curious about online dating. “What the heck?” you figure. “I’ll write an ad and take a look around.” But when you’re on your own in virtual reality, the search for computer-generated love can be daunting. Here are the top online dating types to avoid.

I’m back in the dating game again, sorta, and I’m not thrilled about it. One of the reasons? I remember, oh-so-well, how annoying it was when guys I thought I was connecting with and having fun with, pulled “the fade.” That is, when you’ve gone out on a few dates, had a great time, maybe hooked up a little, and then, BAM! He’s gone. Like he got lost in the Bermuda Triangle and forgot his cell phone. WTF is up with that? Are we blind to the signs that someone isn’t that interested? Did he meet someone new overnight? I went to my trusty soldiers, the guys on our IM, to get an explanation. Some of them clued me in quickly—others gave me a “Choose Your Own Adventure” style quiz…

Women who fall in love with and sometimes marry psychotic killers — like Richard Ramirez (the Night Stalker) or Ted Bundy — have always fascinated me. I mean, why? Sure, people do tend to have types, but “big-schnozzed manorexic” is a far cry from “slitter of throats and raper of ladies.” However, I have to give these women some credit—at least those guys were still in jail and therefore unable to harm them when they hooked up.

Drew Peterson’s latest fiancé is more of a risk-taker. Twenty-four-year-old Christina Raines is set to marry 53-year-old Peterson despite the fact that two out of his four ex-wives were either murdered or missing and presumed murdered. Though he hasn’t been formally charged in either murder, he remains Suspect #1.

That said, most of us who’ve dated law-breakers go a lot less high-profile—here are a few signs that you might be seeing someone who lives on Johnny Law’s bad side.